August 16, 2007
Letter of Fug: Part SHUT UP Y'ALL SERIOUSLY. GOD.
I don't EVEN KNOW. I mean, seriously, y'all, sometimes I wake up in the morning and it's like 3:30 and the new nanny is watching Oprah and and the kids are running around and screaming and wanting things from me and I just think, "DAMN, BRITNEY. What have you gotten yourself IN TO NOW?"
Because I really thought that when I divorced Kevin, Justin would come back in and marry me or maybe Colin Farrell or somebody else with an accent and then we'd run off to Gulfport or wherever and he'd spend all day combing my hair and Sean P and the other one would bring me Popsicles and we'd all be so happy but instead I ended up shaving my head and then some other stuff happened that I don't totally remember but I'm pretty sure most of it was my mama's fault, like I never would have done that whole thing with OK Magazine if she had LOVED ME MORE or something. I'm pretty sure I read that in a magazine right next to a story about how I am having a lesbian affair with my assistant which is TOTALLY UNFAIR because that only lasted like three weeks. And then people started making this whole big deal about how I wanted to whiten Sean P's teeth like they never looked at their baby's teeth and wondered why they looked so yellow or forgot to change their diapers. I am a WORKING MOTHER, Y'ALL. It's NOT EASY keeping up APPEARANCES and taking care of A BABY. Two babies. However many babies. And my face is my FORTUNE, Y'ALL. I am an ENTERTAINER. I have to go out and BE ENTERTAINING and I think I am A SUCCESS. For serious, have you seen how many people take my picture every night? It's because I am HOT.
For serious, I am WORKING SO HARD to make a life for me and my family of however many kids it is and all I hear is BLAH BLAH BLAH LOOK AT HER HAIR. WHERE ARE HER PANTS? WHY DOES SHE WEAR THOSE ILL-FITTING CHEAP-LOOKING UNFLATTERING BROWN BOOTS ALL OVER THE PLACE? ISN'T THAT A SHIRT AND NOT A DRESS? BLAAAAAH. I just want all y'all to SHUT UP. I MEAN it. If I want to have a lesbian affair with one of my employees and get drunk in front of my kids and pay my neighbor fifty bucks to Google "baby plastic surgery" for me so no one finds out that I'm thinking about getting the little one a chin implant THAT'S MY BUSINESS. And so what if everyone finds out that Kevin used to grind up my medication and hide it in my milkshakes and that's why I didn't used to act quite as crazy? Does that make him some kind of HERO? Just because he gives the kids CARROT STICK THINGS instead of NUGGETS? Kids LOVE nuggets! Everyone knows that! Do I have to write a book? Maybe I will write a book. I'll write a book called KIDS LOVE NUGGETS by Britney Lynne Spears or whatever my middle name is and it'll be a hit just like Harry Potter and THEN WON'T EVERYONE BE SORRY THEY TRIED TO MAKE ME QUIT DRINKING. HA!
Suck on it, toolsheds. YEAH, I MEAN YOU.