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August 03, 2007

Studio Fugly on the Fugset Strip

Why must Lucy Davis make life such a roller-coaster? I don't like roller-coasters. Well, okay, I can do Space Mountain and The Matterhorn and Thunder Mountain, and all those other fairly wimpy coasters, and I can cope with a log flume. But anything more severe than that and you will know what I had for lunch AND possibly what dinner was last night.

So, see, my stomach really doesn't appreciate being jerked around, Lucy. We already know your skin color swings wildly between "Psychedelic" and "Recognizable In Nature," but I have no idea what's going on with you lately.

Earlier this year, you looked perfectly adorable.

A little spider-lashy, but honestly, who hasn't had that happen at one time or another? It's going to be okay. Just throw out that mascara and try again. But otherwise, she just seems sort of youthful and relaxed, and it's nice. This is Lucy Davis, the fresh-faced and delightfully unemaciated actress who's making a name for herself across the pond on network TV.

This, then.. well, perhaps this is actually Lucy Davis's secret twin.

Perhaps her name is Ruthie Davis. Ruthie might be going on ten years playing a barmaid and the long-lost relative of Pauline Fowler on EastEnders (R.I.P., shrill harridan; so sorry to hear about that frying pan to the head, but the face lift and your first haircut in 20 years sure looked posh). She isn't allowed to do her roots, nor deep condition her hair, because the producers feel it's not in keeping with the harried, humble pint-pushing heroine she plays (although, being EastEnders, it would probably turn out that her sister is actually her daughter, she is a covert prostitute living in a one-room flat with a seedy landlord, or that she is plotting to deep-fry Ian Beale in the vats at his own chip shop). She's a bit randy, might have had a tube-dress nip-slip incident at Britain's soap awards, holidays in Majorca without sunscreen, and apparently takes mascara tips from her sister. And Heat magazine likes to put her in all its snarky features like "Celebrity Thighs" and "Spot The Spot Cream!" and "Bloody Awful Hair."

Can't somebody donate a makeover? Tyra, where are you when you're needed most?

Posted by Heather at 10:03 AM | Permalink


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