August 16, 2007
Well Played, Joel Madden
Congratulations on impending fatherhood. Although it's a little weird to think that the guy who dated Hilary Duff before she was legal is now starting a family (and would presumably beat up any horny twenty-something jackhole who tried any of that on HIS theoretical daughter), but we're fairly sure you'll take to it, since you seem nice to your girlfriends and you like to defend their honor and such. Also, you hate Spencer, and as the saying goes, the enemy of my enemy is my friend -- or at least, the drinking buddy I invite out once a month so that we can knock back a couple cold ones and talk about how the object of our shared loathing keeps finding ways to out-dicksmack himself. (I mean, probably charging your probably fake engagement ring for your probably staged not-quite-proposal on your friend's credit card and then tossing the box at your probably doomed fiance and saying, "I don't know which finger it goes on," or some shit, so that she has to do the honors herself? Pretty pricky, Spencer "Puts The 'Prat' In" Pratt.)
But, back to the matter at hand: Joel, what I'd really like to congratulate you on is the act of knocking up Nicole Richie.
[Photo: Splash News]
Getting her pregnant seemed like a scientific impossibility, so unless (or maybe even if) you took a page from that old Aaron Spelling soap Sunset Beach and employed a top-secret turkey baster, that is some magical sperminating you did. Pat yourself on the wang for that one.
Even though babies are cute, though, I would mostly like to express gratitude for the fact that your womb fertilizing has made her look so much better. The pregnancy weight is helping tremendously. Generic Hollywood Starlet Hairstyle No. 2 is a little tired, and I won't pretend I'm not confused by the sunglasses (what is that -- half a tribute to Carrie Donovan?), but frankly, I'm just relieved she no longer could come to a full stop behind that tree and be completely concealed by it. Your sperm might have saved her life. Seriously. If the weight loss could have been due to drugs, as she implied to Diane Sawyer, and if she felt the need to state that she hasn't done any substances since finding out she was pregnant... well, let's just say that without a little Joel Juice and a lot of divine intervention, she may well have stayed that wee and unhealthy for a long time.
I mean, sure, even this far along in her pregnancy, she's still only back to "petite," but she's at least person-sized now as opposed to looking like you could use her to pick your teeth after a rib dinner. (Although... it turns out I can't let go of the shades as easily as I thought. Are they broken transition lenses? Did she and Kanye go to the same party where amusing trick glasses popped out of one of those novelty bombs that explodes whimsy all over your table? What? Help me.)
At any rate, way to go, Joel, for finding the only way to make Nicole Richie look partway human again. May she enjoy her reacquaintance with food so thoroughly that she continues the love affair after she pops. See what you can do about that. I'm worried enough that Lindsay Lohan is going to kick it before her time, or that Britney is going to blow herself up in a meth lab; I don't need to fret about how Lionel would cope with Nicole's untimely demise -- besides through song, obviously -- on top of all that.
Best of luck to you,
P.S. If it's a girl, don't call her Lionelle. The tribute is nice but it sounds more like a brand of paper towels than a person. Thanks.