September 17, 2007
Emmy Awards Fug Carpet: Vanessa L. Williams
If I've learned anything about Vanessa Williams since she took her job on Ugly Betty, it's that she likes to make sure you see her on the red carpet. Well, okay, I've also learned that she's much better with bitchy humor than the abomination A Diva's Christmas Carol previously indicated -- in which, for real, she ended the movie by telling a baby, "Nobody pees on the Diva" -- and that whatever she's doing to look so fantastic at her age, it's working. I hope she e-mails me her secrets, and that they involve a strict eating plan mostly consisting of Diet Coke and cake.
She's toned it down follicularly since the Golden Globes, but her dress is no less pregnant with drama.
The little angel and devil on my shoulder -- although the devil is really just one of many, dispatched by his posse to represent them in this argument because they're on a dinner break -- are locked in an endless debate about whether this is so nutty it's amazing, or just way too much.
ANGEL: It's a gorgeous color on her!
DEVIL: Sure, but several relatives of Big Bird had to die to make that skirt possible.
ANGEL: Oh, relax. It's just bold. It's soap-opera bold. You love soap operas!
DEVIL: Only the ones in which Satan possesses psychiatrists, murderous she-male blackmailers hold a town hostage with its evil deeds, floating heads in powdered wigs make fun of the town witch, and people wear eyepatches despite not being pirates.
ANGEL: Well, this dress would look great in one of those.
DEVIL: It looks like the top part is molting. That thing is going to shed itself stupid all night long. You'll always know whether Vanessa's been in your bathroom stall.
ANGEL: Hmm. That's true. And I am kind of allergic to feathers.
DEVIL: See? You'd be in big trouble if you were sitting next to her.
ANGEL: I'm SURE she packed some Claritin in that purse... But wait, you know they're not REAL feathers.
DEVIL: So what? You're faltering. I WIN.
ANGEL: Fine. I admit it. The first time I saw it, I wondered which showgirl wedding in Vegas was missing a bridesmaid. Happy now?
DEVIL: Yes... Although, hey, at least she tried. So many other people looked boring.
ANGEL: Let's just go open a bottle of wine and watch Center Stage.
So yet again, a vicious battle within my brain ends in a stalemate and a ballet movie. However, now that I've had a soothing glass of shiraz and Jodie Sawyer has changed her entire costume and makeup without ever actually leaving the stage, I'm leaning toward siding with the devil. Vanessa's dress was a delicious idea that, sadly, turned out a little trashier than I like to see her.