September 17, 2007
Emmy Awards Fug Carpet: Paula Abdul
I realize that Paula's dress is like this on purpose. I do. And in theory, I don't disapprove.
But in practice, it's PAULA ABDUL. She has to know that, simply by dint of being Paula Abdul, people would take one look at this and blindly assume not that her dress was designed that way, but rather that she was too busy drinking butterfly tears from the hoof of a centaur to know that her sparkly undergarment was showing. And when you're Paula Abdul, surely at this point you are tired of people staring at you with furrowed brows, wondering things like whether you can complete a sentence, or if anyone in your inner circle thoughtfully dosed you with mind-altering drugs to erase the memory of your vanity-project reality show. SURELY, given ALL that, you would want to wear something safe, something that couldn't possibly make anyone leap to the conclusion that you are in a constant state of confusion.
Then again... well, I said it already: It's PAULA ABDUL. Nothing is certain except that she enjoys how you've grown, both with your soul and in your cup of Coca-Cola that the angels rained onto your heart. Plus, at this point, it's possible she can't wear anything without us finding a reason to scratch our chins and ponder her clarity of mind. We should probably be content with the fact that she's fully clothed and didn't have any lines during the telecast.