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October 15, 2007

Celebrity Terror Watch: Watch Your Internal Organs Edition

It's time.

After countless warnings, we are finally at a full-on Red Alert at GFY HQ. It wasn't someone's rapid descent into skeevitude that sent us speeding down the highway to the danger zone; rather, it was an old nemesis -- the Mendoza to our McBain, the Gargamel to our Papa Smurf -- that has us worried.

This man's resolute refusal to tone down the crazy eyes -- some drops, maybe? Glasses? A blindfold? -- has us fairly sure he is not only hungry, but craving a romantic dinner for two with Hannibal Lecter over some fava beans, a nice Chianti, and the liver of an innocent.

Yep: Vincent Gallo is coming to get you, and based on that omnipresent look of ravenous, untamed madness in his eyes, he is pretty certain the only thing separating him from eternal life and true divinity is being able to wear your flesh as a winter coat and your ass as the matching earmuffs.

Consider yourselves warned.

Appendix: POTENTIAL SERIAL KILLER TERROR LEVEL CHART: ON-LOOKER ADVISORY VERSION.

SEVERE:

Get to a safe place and call 911. Celebrities CAN crack. Look at Phil Spector.

HIGH:

Leave the room now. You don't want to be deposed when they lose it in the near future. AND THEY WILL.

ELEVATED:

Be guarded and don't take any drinks from this person. Do you want to be played by Tori Spelling in the made-for-TV movie of this incident? We didn't think so.

GUARDED:

Sure, be alert, but don't freak out. Maybe they just went though a bad break-up, or need to wash their hair?

Low:

Go about your business.

Posted by Heather at 01:22 PM in Celebrity Terror Watch | Permalink

 

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