October 08, 2007
Fug the Film Set: Hilary Duff
Hilary Duff's latest project is apparently called Greta, and the IMDb summary claims it's the touching tale of a waitress who falls for an ambitious chef -- "but as their love blossoms, she has to overcome the concerns of her grandparents," who clearly don't understand that having a hot dude who will cook for you is, like, the Holy Grail of booty calls. Separately, my fascination with this movie just shot up several notches to "existent" once I saw that IMDb claims both Ellen Barkin and Ellen Burstyn are in the film. I've decided they're either they're playing lesbian grandparents -- one of whom is strangely young -- in a really progressive movie, or that whoever filled in the page for this movie couldn't remember which "Ellen B" was supposed to be in it and just put them both down for shits and giggles. And, well, obviously those two fine ladies would compete for roles, because they bring exactly the same qualities to the table. Like talent. And vaginas.
And frankly, we'd like to see them both fight for it. Imagine the differently layered scenes we'd get as Granny NoCharacterNameYet scolds Hilary-as-Greta for twirling around town in what appears to be a yellow bikini under a Forever 21 halter, further stuffed underneath a glorified Yuletide tutu that makes her look about four feet tall.
We imagine Burstyn would skitter around the kitchen making cornbread while sassily lecturing her granddaughter on wearing petticoats out in public. Conversely, Barkin -- annoyed that she's playing a grandmother at all -- would simply pour herself into a tight dress, fluff up the ladies, and suck on a martini-soaked olive while purring, "Listen, Stumpy. You're not in a music video. Scrap the moldy old prom dress and start living each day like it's 'Skin To Win' season. Your legs are depending on you." And, no offense to Burstyn, we'd rather see that movie.
Unless they can convince the producers to cast Barkin as Burstyn's daughter, in which case, they should've just confused the hell out of everyone by casting Ellen Page in the Duff role, making Ellen DeGeneres her aunt, pitting them all in a battle of (t)wits against obnoxious restaurant hostess Ellen Pompeo and the evil owner, NFL tight end Kellen Winslow, Jr. The winner? Helen Hunt, because there was no room for her in this debacle.