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October 02, 2007

Fuggifer Fugpez Fugoa Fugdd almost-Fugfleck Fugthony

"Bienvenidos, amigos, to my GLORY.

[Photo: Splash News]

"You! You down there! You are not drinking it in, tonto! Gulp with your soul! Chug with your eyes! If you stare at this long enough that they start to cross, you see Marc in a feathered headdress eating a banana. Or as they say in South Beach, HEAVEN. Dios mio, I feel fertile. I must get jiggy."

[Photo: Splash News]

"Si, amores, I might LOOK like the wife of a 70s drug lord, and something about my cleavage reminds me of the face of the wretched baby on that Family Guy show that makes all my girlie huevos depressed. And dammit, I keep tripping on these pants. Once I lost my Marc in them completely and didn't find him for a whole week. Ay, he was so crispy. But know this: My dance is a milkshake of fertility, and this fabric looks like the inside of a womb, so SHUT UP ALREADY, tabloid people, and also, get that Violent Assfleck and her perfect little dimples of destiny OUT of my FACE. I'm TRYING. WE ALL KNOW I'M TRYING. Now either become enthralled while I ring my bellbottoms, or go buy Marc a case of V-8. He likes to bathe in it."

Posted by Heather at 10:22 AM in Jennifer Lopez | Permalink


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