October 30, 2007
Can you imagine how different Brad Pitt's life would be if he had ended up with Juliette Lewis as planned, instead of breaking up with her and then getting with Gwynnie and Aniston and Angelina?
I mean, maybe it'd be relatively similar -- he'd still be hot, after all. Maybe the big difference is that Jennifer Aniston might not have gotten her reputation as the sad, tragic, cuckolded waif. But do we think Brad Pitt would've ended up doing all the relief work and adopting or fathering a Benetton ad's worth of beautiful babies if he'd decided to betrothe himself to this woman?
Nothing against Juliette Lewis -- I don't know her; maybe she really likes relief work and adopting children, or maybe her tears can cure cancer or something -- but I feel like if he'd gone this route for life, Brad Pitt might be taking a break from showbiz to hang out in the front row of all her concerts wearing spandex pants, stained tank tops, and a mullet. I guess the benefit of this outfit is that Juliette can't work up any of her trademark performance pit-stains, and I don't even hate the pants if I focus hard enough and ignore the Victoria's Secret Swimwear style bathing suit she's wearing under them, which I imagine will make it very difficult for her to go to the bathroom later unless she's wearing a Poise Pad. But I do find myself wondering why she was in such dire need of knee pads.
Perhaps she thought they were a precautionary measure:
Because when the Native American population decides to mess with her head by announcing that it is angry she paired a headgear homage to its fine culture with a red plastic jacket befitting a soldier in Michael Jackson's Neverland army -- which might not even be a trick, actually; would YOU want someone walking around with an echo of YOUR culturally iconic headgear while looking she's in a giant game of Cowboys & Indians with a famous cape-wearing man-child? Didn't think so -- then the pads will make it way more comfortable to drop to her knees and apologize.
Brad Pitt would've stopped her, though. Well, Today's Brad, anyway; I actually fear the bizarro Pitt would've been in the crowd wearing a matching outfit and screaming that he wants to be starting something.