Nicole Fugman

Is this what it's come to, Nicole?

No one's really talking about you as an actress any more, so your solution is to shuffle down the red carpet with your carefully shaggy husband while wearing a see-through dress and shoes, the latter of which look like you just got through performing "Let's Go To The Movies" in your dressing room while a scrappy red-headed orphan followed you around and pretended to understand all the cultural references you were making at her? Honey, listen, I know we were in a fight after Bewitched and everything, and it's upsetting that you won't go back to the red hair that is so much more flattering on your frozen face, but you didn't need to make a cry for attention. I mean, if ANYONE should be crying out for our help or attention in these weird times, it's Kat(i)e Holmes, and yet you don't see her skipping around behind Tom trying to draw people's focus from his troublingly boyish Valkyrie coif by giving us a peek at her lingerie.

But at least you're wearing a coat, and aren't likely to take that off any time soon, OBVIOUSLY, since you are not wearing a real dress.

Oh, except:

"Delta," she seems to be about to say to her shiny companion. "Is that somebody waving and pointing at me over there? What's he trying to say? Something about London and France? Oh well. It's too bright to tell. I guess I'll just ignore him."

I'm PRETTY sure she won't bend over, though.

[Photo: infdaily.com]

Oh, come ON. I feel like that girl to her left is all, "Dude, check out my camera -- I totally got a shot of her ass before she came over here. I think I have that thong at home. Can you see it? It's not blurry, is it? Should I take another one?"

Nicole... girl, please. You played a courtesan in Moulin Rouge who was more modest. There's a point at which I will accept the old, "Whoops, I didn't do a flash test before I left the house," but this is beyond accidental. Sure, I appreciate enjoying your awesome figure before you're too old to bother any more, but nobody needs to see the solutions to all your corporeal mysteries. No thong endorsement campaign is worth that.