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November 01, 2007

America's Next Fug Fugel

How appropriate that, on Halloween, Miss Tyra was snapped starring in what I hope will be expanded into a stirring documentary, Even Supermodels Get The Polterwang:


[Photo: Splash News]

This whole ensemble would appear to be Tyra's very finest version of, "I want you to want to look at me, even though I don't want you to look at me, except maybe for five minutes or so, and if you ARE looking at me, I want to be able to look at you without you knowing I'm looking at you. CARRY ON. NOTHING TO SEE HERE. Except for my boobs. And my lower half. And my neck. Because neck is what separates me from the actresses. Now GO AWAY. But not too far."

And, about eight inches below the bottle opener that appears to be dangling from the aforementioned Neck Of A Thousand Photographs, lies a whopper of a sausage roll. A spectral scrotum the likes of which some men might even envy. WHAT was she thinking? Those leggings -- I refuse to believe they are in any way related to actual pants -- expose a multitude of sins and even truss up some saintly deeds as minor misdemeanors. Ty-Ty, Mr. Jay would NEVER have let you leave the house like that, and as charming as she seems, even Twiggy probably would've drawled, "I love your face. The camera loves you. You're very photogeeeeeenic. But you just don't look like a model to me."

It's a whole different battle of the bulge than Tyra fought in January on the cover of People; hopefully we can look forward to a similarly touching episode of her talk show in which the entire male audience wears identical leggings with their inch counts printed on them in unfriendly white digits. But in the meantime, yes, fine, it was the scariest day of the year, but PLEASE send that package via special-delivery STRAIGHT into the nearest dumpster. Happy Hallowiener!

Posted by Heather at 08:38 AM | Permalink

 

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