November 16, 2007
Celebrity Skeeve Watch: Ryan Cabrera
It's hard to imagine that dating Ashlee Simpson might have been the apex of Ryan Cabrera's short career and life, but seriously, would anyone have known that he's in the studio working on his third album -- or that he even has more than one album out already -- if Wikiepedia weren't around to clutch our sad, ignorant heads to its ample virtual bosom?
As it is, I only know Ryan Cabrera is still around because he is having severe hair trouble.
Oddly, this look now represents the good old days:
Hair tall enough to lose a Ben Roethlisberger action figure in, tips more frosted than a Canadian window in December... at the time we thought, "Wow, this kid is really trying his best to challenge Chad Michael Murray to a duel. It can't get any worse for him."
Then the brunet curls came along:
Jessica already covered our shock and initial mental trauma upon seeing this photo, but it bears repeating: No. And put away the scraggly chest hair.
But instead of moving away from hair that only Johnny Depp should ever try, Cabrera has attempted to gild this wilted, rotting lily:
Joe Simpson would never have allowed this. Maybe living under his iron thumb wasn't such a bad thing. Now that Ryan is dating Elvis's granddaughter Riley Keough, he appears -- inexplicably -- to be trying to turn himself into the rock-and-roll version of Philip Bloch.
Or invoke the greasy, stringy, elephantine-testacled visage of Cisco Adler. But just because the Internet-surfing public is uncomfortably aware that Cisco is so generously besac'd doesn't mean we are going to think that EVERY ratty, ragged, matted dark-haired "musician" with a scowl and a fedora automatically has a similarly formidable carton for his precious eggs.
And STOP WITH THE CHEST HAIR. Really. It doesn't make you sensitive. At all. I will only allow it if you include a wailingly sincere ballad about it on your forthcoming record, because that would automatically become one of the funniest songs of all time and the world could use a little comedy.