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November 08, 2007

Fug Ling

If people like Ashlee Simpson, Bobby Brown, Randy Spelling, and Kim Kardashian can all get their own reality shows, then I ask you, world: Why not Bai Ling?

Think of all the insights Being Bai Ling could give us.

I love how much Bai appears to enjoy creating the illusion that she is half-human, half-exotic endangered species moving through its own wildlife preserve. When I first saw this outfit, I thought it was an elaborate, stretchy set of footie pajamas. Turns out it's just the way she's standing. But, given who we're talking about here, my question is: Why ISN'T this an elaborate, stretchy set of footie pajamas? Who dropped that ball? Which personality? We're going to need each to get its own episode, so that we might better understand how they work. Or in this case, why they don't.

Alternatively, the potentially glorious Everybody Bai Ling Tonight could just be a show devoted entirely to what's in her closet that doesn't see the light of day. I wonder what she rejected in order to embrace these little numbers:

Although frankly, even she seems bored of this dress already, like she's sick of being asked over and over if she's starring in Juicy Couture On Ice and just wants to go home and take a long nap on her waterbed full of dolphins.

This is more like it:

[Photo: Splash News]

THIS is where, during the pivotal finale episode of Bais of our Lives, I imagine that we'll delve into the complicated computer system she employs -- a la Cher Horowitz -- to tell her what clothes belong together, what's a mismatch, and why on this night she must leave the house dressed like she thinks she's auditioning for Celebrity Wrap Superstar clad in an homage to Saran. Or maybe it merely talked her out of wearing that shirt with feathered hot pants. The point is, don't you want to KNOW? Don't you NEED to know? Does she have a long-suffering best friend who secretly wants to take her to The Gap and teach her about breathable fabrics? Is her housekeeper constantly picking up sequins off the floor? Are she and Paula Abdul secret pals, being the only two people in the world who could possibly comprehend each other?  Does she have a dog that she dresses up in Hanes t-shirts and Wranglers?

So many questions. I think we deserve answers. Bai Ling is fertile ground, people, and we owe it to ourselves to plow it silly.

Posted by Heather at 12:06 PM in Bai Ling | Permalink


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