Fugly Rowland

While I appreciate the logic behind wearing a velvet suit that begs people to touch it -- like, maybe tall, strapping, hot people, or even better, a tall, strapping hot person with a bottle of champagne in his pants (for real, not euphemistically, you filthy people you) -- this one makes my eyes burn:

All I can think of when I see this is a HORRIBLE sunburn I got on my face in grade ten, when I went to visit my friends in Miami and decided to sunburn with no protection but baby oil. In the middle of the day. Next to a big light-reflecting swimming pool. The blisters on my face were almost as big as her earrings. So when I look at this suit and its poorly cut pants, I can't focus for more than two seconds or else I am forced to take two Tylenol and go dip myself in aloe. It's like one giant acid flashback. Does Pepto Bismol cure those too? Because she kind of looks like a fancy bottle of it. Say, Elizabeth Taylor's lucky bottle. Which she will drop onto a poker table amid smoky, sexy shadows, purring to a muscular male card player, "This has always brought me luck," before breaking into the signature symptoms jingle -- complete with jazz hands! -- and then retreating to the nearest loo.