Fugsana Baiul

Oksana Baiul just turned 30 on Friday, and as I made this same decade-change three months earlier, I feel like I have a lot of valuable wisdom to impart to my favorite fugtacular figure-skating sprite. For instance, I might suggest binning her entire wardrobe and starting from scratch -- for real; its not good.

[Photo: Splash News]

I also might have sat her down and said that, while dressing like a pregnant eggplant sure SOUNDS like a fun and memorable way to kiss off one's twenties, she might regret it later in life. Like when she is only known among pre-schoolers for her series of moving home-video figure-skating presentations entitled, "Play With Your Food," in which she stars as a friendly aubergine attempting to demonstrate the nutritional value of mixing things up by associating with different parts of the pyramid. The stirring pas-de-deux between her and the dude who plays lasagna noodles will be worth the price of admission. So, hey, what do I know -- maybe this outfit is going to make her a bajilionaire. But I'm still more concerned it will instead make her the unwitting virtual president of a food fetishists' club.