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November 28, 2007

Fugshia Cole

Long johns are great: They're warm, they're comfortable, and they will get you through a frigid winter when your boiler breaks and the house is freezing and you're out of firewood and you're forced to blow-dry the layer of ice that has grown on the INSIDE of your living-room wall because the nice men replacing your heating system are taking two weeks to figure out how to get the ruined one up the basement stairs. Indeed, given my history with broken boilers, it's fair to say that I truly love long johns. [And Slim Jims. And Long John, as in Silver. Not only was he literature's most influential depiction of a pirate, but he started a very special chain of fried-food restaurants.]

I would not, however, declare my love of long johns by wearing them on TRL.

Keyshia Cole has actually put together a top here that defies visual comprehension.  It seems to be a stretchy camisole, a tank top, a wool sweater, and a corset all in one -- like if Eddie Bauer and Victoria's Secret merged and created a line of lingerie you would wear to seduce a man in an igloo. And hey, if you ARE going to leave the house wearing your thermal finest, that is a great shirt to pick, because 90 percent of people will be too busy staring at it in consternation to notice that you're not wearing pants.

But the thing is, I am in that ten percent of people who can't stop wondering whether some mischievous rapscallion convinced Keyshia that in winter, long johns are the ONLY true pants. And then suddenly all I can think of is how much she reminds me of that tired time when you get back to the hotel after a day of skiing and you are peeling off your layers to take a shower, but it's taking FOREVER because you are so bundled up, and OH my GOD, how it is possible that you've still only gotten as far as your long underwear, and it's all so exhausting that you're forced to take a quick break from the undressing and then suddenly you have accidentally spent the last two hours on the couch in your room watching the entire International Rock, Paper, Scissors tournament on ESPN 4 and rooting for the dude in the pirate outfit.

Which brings us back to Long John Silver, and finally, full circle to long johns. Which, despite the length of my digression, STILL ARE NOT PANTS. Listen, the holidays are right around the corner. Can't someone gift Keyshia with a nice pair of jeans?

Posted by Heather at 10:22 AM | Permalink


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