Fugtown Girl

Listen, Christie. You are lovely, you're in amazing shape, and you seem so nice that it actually pains me to serenade you with anything but hymns of praise carried to your ears on the wings of angels who look like golden-retriever puppies. But:

[Photo: Splash News]

Uptown girl,

Why drag your pants into an uptown world?

It is a crime against your upper thighs

So please go shopping for a downtown rise.

You've got to try

For your crotch's sake.

That mile-high waistband was a huge mistake.

And there's no way that your poor groin enjoys

Those creases pinching at your girly toys.

Hear its sad voice:

Ow-ow-ow-ooowww-ow

OOOOOWWWWW-ow

Ow-ow-OWWWWWW-ow

Ow-ow-oooowwww-ow.

You get the idea.