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November 30, 2007

Kylie Fugogue

Listen, I am thrilled that Kylie Minogue should be so lucky, lucky-lucky-lucky, to get through an ordeal like breast cancer, and with such dignity. I've loved Kylie since she was Charlene on Neighbours and her and Scott's trailer with all their possessions in it exploded, and yet mysteriously the next week she was still wearing all the exact same loud sweaters and earrings. I was squealing right along with the other pre-teens when she and Jason Donovan (Scott) released that terrible, terrible love duet, "Especially For You," and was pretty convinced they needed to get married and have little neighbourly babies and be together FOREVER because CLEARLY THE SONG WAS REAL.

Anyway, my point is: love Kylie. But that doesn't mean I have to love how her hair is shaping itself now that she's growing a fuller head of it.

I'm going to ignore the glove, which is rather silly-looking -- I feel like Alexis would wear those on Dynasty if she felt like she might accidentally break a vase over the head of whatever businessman was refusing to give her the oil leases she so craves. But since I'm fairly sure Kylie isn't in any kind of criminal mood today, she should just put that thing away and keep her hand warm in a more practical, less Michael Jackson Throwback kind of way.

No, my chief concern here is how OLD that hair is. It could star in its own late-70s sitcom. It feeds on prunes, uses words like "upchuck" and "my stars" and calls Kylie "a darling girl," and gets pensioner discounts to all the tourist attractions in England. In, fact, when I first saw it, I immediately thought of one person in particular:

It's a very slippery follicular slope Kylie is on, and if she keeps spritzing it with Matron Spray, surely Camilla's feathered flips can't be too far behind. It's not that I don't understand the joys of regrowing her own hair after losing it to chemo, but Kylie has a new album out, she's still rocking her looks, and she needs a coif that's appropriate to the comeback of a lady whose bum once was named "Bottom Of The Year" in Britain.  Maybe some extensions?

Or at least some curls. I know Christina Aguilera kind of bogarted the Marilyn thing, though, so it's possible all that's left to Kylie if she insists on eschewing fake hair is to go all the damn way and take things in a a more amusingly old direction, evoking a more beloved lady -- one who has nestled into the crevices of even the darkest hearts:

Come on, can't you just see Kylie wriggling on-stage singing, "Can't Get You Out Of My Head," while paying cranial homage to The Great Rose Nyland? St. Olaf would never be prouder.

Posted by Heather at 12:58 PM | Permalink


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