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November 12, 2007

Random(ish) Fug: Jaime Winstone

When we got an e-mail this morning titled, "The Most Heinous Jumpsuit Of All Time," I thought to myself, "Well, that is coming up against some pretty stiff competition." It's like saying you've found the world's foulest-tasting Brussels sprout, or the douchiest-ever Chad Michael Murray facial expression: There's just too much competition to know for sure.

But, once I laid eyes on the jumpsuit befouling wee pixie Jaime Winstone (British actress, daughter of the actor who is currently trying to make us care about Beowulf on film despite the fact that 99 percent of people who had to read that in English class -- as I did, THREE TIMES in my life somehow -- wanted to hurl themselves off the nearest bridge), I had to concede that this one is probably pretty close to the top of the list:

Listen, we all fondly remember Madonna's crazy conic-bra phase. But the only person who should attempt geometric boobs in this lifetime or anyone else's is Madonna herself. Also, I am pretty sure that thing is made of 150 thread-count sheets she picked up at a Marks & Spencer clearance sale. The tailor presumably had donated his or her hands to science before getting around to finishing this with nothing but feet and his/her teeth to do it, and it's so waistless and borderline dowdy that it resembles nothing so much as wearable fashion for the incontinent -- Depends by Talbots, or something. And finally sweet god, she caught Stumpophrenia from Kristen Bell. It couldn't be worse.

Could it?

Not only is it ill-fitting, but it's got a BUSTLE. Or a bow. Or an ass-muffler. I'm not really sure, but I do feel confident that outside of on the body of some softly lit model with giant hair from that wickedly dated fashion soap Paper Dolls, that thing should never exist in nature. Poor old brother-of-Lily-Allen looks like he is trying to laugh off the ginormous fabric scrap heap on his girlfriend's hindquarters, because otherwise, he might burst into tears and then run home and sob all over a MySpace video-blog about how damaging it was to stand next to, if not THE worst, then at least one of the world's leading shittier-than-Winehouse heinous jumpsuits.

Posted by Heather at 12:44 PM in Random Fug | Permalink


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