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November 05, 2007

Terror Watch Downgrade: Lucy Davis

Welcome home, Lucy Davis. It's been a long road. Like, seriously long. Imagine being forced to rewatch every episode of Heroes' horrible second season in one sitting without a bottle of wine, a cheesecake, a remote to fast-forward through the Wonder Twins and Mopey Lovelorn Hiro In Feudal Japan, or a blunt object within reach. That's the kind of frustration and agony we felt sometimes.

So, it's nice to have you back:


[Photo: Splash News]

And with new hair, to boot. Hair that does not look like it recently caught on fire, perhaps while you were using your actual iron on it. And your skin no longer appears as though you waxed it with a melted pumpkin candle. I am thrilled about this, because you seem very lovely, and it was horrible seeing you parading around town styled like somebody's drunk, chain-smoking granny who holidays in Cornwall by the sea using nothing but baby oil -- that is, when she's not glued to her pub stool.

I'm not comfortable calling off the alert altogether yet, because as I've noted before, you cannot be trusted with consistency. Still, we can find it in our unbronzed hearts to take you down a few notches on the terror chart -- let's say, to Guarded from High/Severe. We're not ready to call you a sane person until you've gone several consecutive months without dipping even a toe into the Bronze Sea.

Appendix: TANOREXIA WATCH TERROR CHART

SEVERE:

Suri Cruise -- as in, find her (formerly; look, this chart is old, okay?) inescapable prison and lock yourself in it until your flesh tone returns.

HIGH:

Jennifer Aniston

ELEVATED:

Zac Efron

GUARDED:

Hollywood Starlet whose agent gave her four gift-certificates to Mystic Tan


LOW:

Sane, sensible person

Posted by Heather at 10:59 AM in Celebrity Terror Watch | Permalink

 

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