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November 07, 2007

The Prize Winner of Defiance, Fug

Julianne Moore is lovely and beautiful and she seems like she'd be a totally delightful person to be stuck in an elevator with (which is often my measuring stick of People I Do Not Actually Know. It is surprising who you realize might be entertaining in an elevator. Like, I think it might be amusing to be stuck in an elevator with Kid Rock, for example.  But I don't really want to be stuck in an elevator with, say, Oprah, as famous and all-powerful as she is. I don't think she'd be very chatty). And she looks great here, along with fellow chic hot ass Ellen Barkin:

But earlier in the evening, La Moore was kind enough to demonstrate for us The Heartbreak of Stumpitude:

[Photo: Splash News]

I do not know how she acquired this cape, but I suspect it arrived at her home in an unmarked, mysterious package, and that she opened it with trepidation and was relieved to find what appeared to be a totally innocuous article of clothing. "What an adorable cape!" she probably said, trying it on. "This must be from Bergdorf's. They told me they were sending something over. Why, it's so cozy. I shall wear it tonight!"

But this cape was not from Bergdorf's, no. Nor from Barneys, nor Saks, nor even from the local Zara. It was from an unknown source I call THE STUMPINATOR, who runs amok amid celebrities of short stature, gifting them with items which SEEM flattering and adorable whilst hanging in the closet but which truly will WREAK HAVOC on their petite bodies, making them appear to be on their way to a screen test for The Hobbit II: The Hobbining. (See Bell, Kristin.) Why would anyone be so cruel, so cold, so heartless, you ask? My child, there are questions to which we rational beings can not find answers, and that is one of them, right after, "Why would anyone think it was a good idea to get Izzie and George together on Grey's Anatomy?"

So, shorties of the world, BEWARE. The Stumpinator may turn his foreshortening eye on you next. Remain vigilant! Keep your tailor on speed dial! Remember: when in trouble, hem it double.

Posted by Jessica at 02:10 PM | Permalink


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