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December 04, 2007

Fugs Landing

I have a soft spot in my heart for Knots Landing. Obviously it will never have Dynasty's place in my affections, nor even have I ever liked it as well as Dallas, because, come on, Donna Mills was fun and all but she was no J.R. Ewing or Alexis M-C-C-D-R. Still, it's a soap, and even though I didn't watch it with that much regularity or devotion, I appreciate its place in tawdry TV's beautiful history.

And thus, I will always appreciate Joan Van Ark, a.k.a. Valene, whose twins were famously stolen at birth and whose name sounds like some sort of relaxing naturally occurring gas. So recently, when I saw photos of our Joan/Val at a charity event, I was... shall we say... startled.

But first, a comparison. Here she is about two years ago:

She's obviously way, way too skinny -- like, tear-jerkingly so; has NO ONE taught her the simple, restorative qualities of perfectly charred toast? -- and she has probably had some plastic surgery, because she suddenly bears a passing resemblance to Joan Rivers. And no, I don't mean that as an insult, because I personally think Joan Rivers is rather fabulous and one of those rare people who can do pretty much whatever the hell she wants and it will be okay with me, short of replacing her own face with Brad Pitt's, and listen, if that's REALLY what she wants, who the hell am I to deny her? No, what I mean is that whatever Ms. Van Ark has done to her face, be it through diet or the knife, has actually resulted in her having more than a passing resemblance to La Rivers. Like maybe she's her long-lost and less comedically blessed younger sister. Seriously, take a look; you'll start to see it too.

But, that was 2006. A simpler, more innocent time. Or to borrow from S.E. Hinton, that was then, this is now:

I... words fail me. Needless to say, she no longer resembles Joan Rivers, but rather a woman turned slightly feral after having been trapped in a deep freezer for two years. Perhaps she tried to cryogenically freeze herself, and learned the hard way that you can't just lie down in the frozen foods section at Trader Joe's and wake up in 100 years to drink the newly invented elixir of youth.

All kidding aside, though: Is she... okay? The Daily Mail is speculating that Joan was trying to cover up the effects of recent plastic surgery with bizarre makeup, and the tinting around her mouth could possibly be attributable to bruising, I suppose. But I can't even comment on the quality of the suspected surgery because I am too busy wondering if she has frostbite on the entire lower half of her face. Kids, don't do this to yourselves. Hopefully Joan will pull through this phase, even better if she manages it with the help of some cheeseburgers. Step one, though, is reorganizing her cosmetics drawer. I don't know how the Snow Miser conned her into hiring him as her makeup artist, but she needs to kick Mr. Ten Below to the curb. He's too much.

Posted by Heather at 09:10 AM | Permalink


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