I do not know what was going on at the finale party for The Hills last night, but clearly something was in the water. (Fair warning: if last night's episode is still sitting on your TiVo waiting for you, you should probably go read something else, as I am totally going to spoil it for you. Well, not that anything unpredictable happened. It's not like Spencer and Lo ran off to Tanzania together after Heidi poisoned Lauren and framed them, or something.)
First of all, Heidi decided to wear the dress in her closet which most dramatically illustrated the magical power of silicone:
I am totally pro-boob. Stick 'em out, stuff 'em into a turtleneck, pour 'em into a cocktail dress -- have at it. Mine are propped up in a coconut-shell-bra right now. Howsoever, it seems that Miss Heidi here has fallen into the tragedy of having her boobs wear HER, as they are all I can see when I look at this, and while I imagine that was what she was going for, it all feels a little The Girls Next Door to me, and not in that fun, "those girls are having so much fun throwing a birthday part for the dog!" way, but in the "ew, I just remembered those girls are all sleeping with the same man, who is old enough to be their grandpa" way. And, you know, Spencer is kind of a smarmy tool, but at least he's age-appropriate. In fact, I would venture to say that it is a rare woman who didn't date at least one smarmy tool when she was Heidi's age.
I would also venture to say that it is a rare woman who puts her rack through this:
That mother is about to BUST OPEN, I'm sorry (and please excuse the pun). This bodice is a total threat to polite society, a Lohan-style nip slip waiting to happen. And as if the near-sight of Heidi's nipple were not enough to concern us all, for some reason, then Brody showed up in what looks like a snood:
I don't even know, dude.