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January 23, 2008

Fug Paves

"Dear Jessica and Ashlee: You never call. You never write. When you text, it's always, ' I LUV PETE 4EVA,' or 'ROMO ROX,' or 'WHAT'S A TOUCHDOWN?' or even, 'REFS IN VERTICAL STRIPES SO CUTE!!!!' No more coming to my salon to pour your heart out while photographers snap pictures outside; no more going to lunch, or shopping, or to the movies, and pouring out your heart while photographers snap pictures of us walking. No more hawking those "HairDo Clip-In Blah Blah Blah And Ken Paves" extensions that are our love child. And no more asking me if I miss your old nose. Is that how it's going to be? Were you two USING ME? Well, ladies, I have news for you: I DON'T NEED YOU ANY MORE EITHER. I have this other blonde person with wavy hair hanging off my EVERY WORD. I can comb my OWN chest hair, I can peel my OWN grape for lunch, and I can smear my own self tanner all over myself for HOURS without you whining about how it makes me smell like a beach sewer. I'm like Marc Anthony meets Jay Manuel meets Renee Zellweger's hair and I have NEVER FELT BETTER. Instead of sleeping, I bathe in a vat of orange juice. So don't come crying to ME the next time Pete steals your eyeliner or Tony Romo gets frustrated because you asked him to take you to his father's rib joint and throws his helmet against the wall. Because I MIGHT BE BUSY MARKING OFF ROADWORK ON THE HIGHWAY. That's right, bitches, I'm giving back to the world. You snooze you lose."

Posted by Heather at 09:10 AM | Permalink

 

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