Fugdi Montag

So, the popular rumor now is that in addition to inserting softballs into her chest and shaving off part of her nose, Heidi Montag has started plumping up her lips. And I have to say, strange things do seem to be afoot on her face.

Observe:

Something isn't right. And I suspect it's the fact that her upper lip is all numb and swollen from whatever she shot up in there, and it hurts to smile. Somehow, the subtle stiffening almost renders her unrecognizable. It's like all this whittling, from the rhinoplasty to the booboplasty to the mouthoplasty, has taken a face that was distinctive and turned it into something ever more generic. She looks less like Heidi, The Two-Faced Hills Vixen With Crappy Taste In Men, and more like HeiDee, The Blonde Barbie With Crappy Taste In Men Who Has Decided That, At Age 21, She Is Too Washed-Up To Meet A Man On Her Own And Instead Needs To Go On The Bachelor.

Seriously, she looked slightly off all night.

"Dammit. Pretty soon someone's going to ask me why I can't part my lips. This sucks. I can't believe I let Spencer talk me into this when we're not even going to end up together. We're not, right? Not even I can believe I would be that stupid. Man, though, this was a bad idea. It's like I have a stone plate under my nose."

 

"Ow, this is SO HARD. Did my lip even move that time? Wait, I think it did. Oh, GOD, it burns. Just one more... one more second... If I can just crack it a little..."

"Spencer? Honey? I think I'm stuck. I can't talk through my freakin' teeth all night. You're going to have to move my mouth back in a second so that cow L.C. doesn't think I'm smiling at her. I can't BELIEVE I listened to you. YOU, a guy who asked to borrow a friend's credit card to buy my engagement ring that probably wasn't even real. Please, God, can we start shooting season 4 so that we can have a dramatic breakup."

Sigh. If ONLY her internal monologue were so self-aware about Captain Toerag up there. But the fact remains that something is up with that top lip and it's making her whole face look immobile. Abort, Heidi! Activate the ejector seat. On all of it.