Brit Awards Fug Carpet: Two People Whose Names Will Escape Most Of Us Tomorrow

So, it seems pants were in short supply at the Brit Awards -- by which I mean, trouser-pants, and not underwear-pants, and it's important to clarify this point because of the great and almost impassable cultural chasm between this mighty nation and our parent country. Apparently when they landed here, "pants" took on a whole new meaning that didn't make it back across the pond, and suddenly merely saying something innocent like, "I'm just wearing pants and a sweater to the bar," became equivalent to dropping a ticking time-bomb of accidental nudism onto the kingdom that begot us. I don't know how we have managed to be conversant with them since. Fortunately, our t-shirt works in both languages; thank God we are fluent in both.

At any rate, leg-and-crotch coverings were  at times absent from the proceedings -- Abi Clancy being one instance and Alesha Dixon of girl group Mis-Teeq being the other.

It's here that Alesha learned that "Brit" refers to the country in which she lives, and not to Britney Spears -- and that, ergo, this ceremony was NOT an homage to the fabric-to-flesh ratio our cherished, troubled singer so frequently employs. I am pretty sure that dress is made of the foil lining from a box of Valentine's chocolates. Would that Alesha had shared those with us instead.

TV personality Fearne Cotton, it turns out, is TECHNICALLY wearing something trouser-adjacent. At first I thought it was a miniscule skirt, but no:

It is in fact a SHORTS-SUIT. A red, SATINY shorts-suit that's one part Little Rumpus Room On The Prairie and two parts cocktail waitress at Lucifer's House of Hate-Pies.

But hey, at least she's passionate about it. We can see through the jollity, though -- sure, we may be sitting at home in pajamas, but at the end of the day, she's stuck in a scarlet romper slinging Satan's rhubarb crumble for next to nothing and a lousy pension. Between being enslaved to the Prince of Darkness' satin shorts-suit and wearing flannel while watching Prince Humperdinck in The Princess Bride, I'm going with Buttercup's pig-fiance for sure.