February 29, 2008
Your Fugment of Zen
It's been another long week here at GFY HQ, what with the Oscars, and blogging about the Oscars, and then complaining about how boring the Oscars were... but, at long last, TGIF. Which around these parts stands for Thank George It's Friday.
What better way to end the week than to borrow again, with respect, a gimmick from The Daily Show and sign off for the day with something that brings us inner peace. After a random conversation with a friend about Reba McEntyre songs, it came to my attention that she'd never been exposed to the sheer brilliance that is the video for that old duet, "Does He Love You?" I remember seeing this when the song came out back in the 90s, and it plucked every soapy heartstring I have.
Behold the glories of what Reba is wearing in the very first shot! Of the hat she so boldly wears in extreme close-ups in Act 2! Of the hugeness of her hair in Act Three! The total generic himbo they're fighting for, and all the associated top-notch acting! And that ending. The ENDING! (Ignore the stupid tag with Rob Reiner; I don't know what that's there for, except perhaps to comfort the world that It Was Acting, and that if you happen to have misplaced Linda Davis since this video, it's not because Reba is an actual Love Terrorist.)
All I know is, if this video ever mated with one of Joan Collins' legendary on-screen catfights, the world would be a better place. Have a lovely weekend.
Posted by Heather at 01:35 PM | Permalink
Fug The Cover: InStyle and Eva Longoria
Admittedly, I haven't bought or read InStyle in a long time, because it's a little too rich for my blood -- I don't walk by Banana Republic and think to myself, "Aw, how sweet, a bargain-basement store" -- but this past weekend I snapped up the March 2008 issue with Eva Longoria on the front, because it was wickedly hideous and I had to have it.
Inside she says, "It makes me feel old, but I love it," and she's referring to being called "Mrs. Parker" when they're in Texas, but it might also refer to the cover photo.
Seriously, that doesn't even really look like her face to me. It's so... sharp. In my mind's eye, that's actually a Miami Beach socialite in her late thirties who just got fresh cheek implants, and is about to start a gig on a cruise ship opening for Kathie Lee Gifford at the Lido Deck Lounge.
Even InStyle clearly felt so concerned that you wouldn't recognize the pursed lips and cocked brows that the designers chucked any reference to the story inside (a peek inside her closet, which offers almost nothing interesting or surprising except MAYBE that she owns an entire wall full of black shoes and a minimum of $7000 in Louboutins), in favor of slapping her name over the picture in the biggest font size possible, as if to be like, "No, SERIOUSLY, it's HER. WE'D GET SUED FOR THIS IF IT WEREN'T, SO IT HAS TO BE." Although frankly, if I were her, I might sue them for it anyway.
Fug Quiz: Busey or Nolte?
Many moons ago, back when Britney washed her hair and we didn't know what a Kim Kardashian was, we amused ourselves with a little game called "Busey or Nolte?" It involved distinguishing between Gary Busey and Nick Nolte in photographs -- which wasn't always that hard, but certainly used to be much tougher. Time and plastic surgery have torn them apart like Shakespearian lovers. Also, I'm pretty sure the game is up forever because there is no way Nick Nolte is going to berate Ryan Seacrest at the Oscars and then try and chug a pint of Jennifer Garner's blood.
But the spirit of celebrity doppelgangers remains, born for us in them but living on in others. Today, we're honoring its manifestation in two slouchy, sloppy blondes with crappy taste in men. I present: Miller or Moss?
Waif-watchers in the UK know that Kate Moss and Sienna Miller inhabit a similar style, which some might suggest -- and have suggested -- Sienna cribbed off the Queen of Heroin-Chic. Why anyone would WANT to do that is beyond me, but honestly, I'm okay with living in a world where I don't understand what's going through Sienna Miller's head. I don't need to be haunted with dreams in which I am ENJOYING Rhys Ifans dancing naked in my living room with a shoebox on his head, or whatever it is that he does when they're together.
If you are stumped on whether that's Bedhead 2.0 or Original Flavor, this might help -- as it happens, both Miller AND Moss were in attendance at this party, and here they are pictured together:
Does that help? Which one do you imagine would shove her hands in the pockets of her wrinkled shorts and appraise the other with a smirk on her face, while the other laughs it off and tries to pretend they're The Best Of Friends and that it's just a COINCIDENCE that they have the same hair and highlights?
Aha, yes, you got it: Sienna on the left, Kate on the right. And hairdresser James Brown in the middle, but that doesn't matter, because he's probably way too well-adjusted and hygienic to belong to either woman.
This does at least answer my question about whether Kate and her clone coming into contact would somehow rip a wormhole into the fabric of the universe. So far I think we're safe, and a swarm of locusts is not about to alight on The Ivy, although I'm withholding judgment on whether anything is awry until Sienna's next movie comes out. Whatever it is, if anyone actually likes it, we might be through the looking glass.
Fug the Cover: Lindsay Lohan
The Setting: The offices of Paper Magazine
The Players: Two staffers: a stylist, and an editor
The Topic: Lindsay Lohan's upcoming cover shoot:
THE EDITOR: Do you really think she'll wear this?
THE STYLIST: Sure!
EDITOR: Is this a robe, or a tunic?
STYLIST: Sort of six of one, half-dozen of the other.
EDITOR: It's knee-length...
STYLIST:...with this crazy high-slits up the side. Cute, right?
EDITOR: Yeah. I'm just worried it might be too...
EDITOR: Yes. Considering the subject.
STYLIST: Have you ever worked with Lindsay?
STYLIST: Oh, honey. Don't worry. She'll find a way to make it look like she hasn't got any pants on, come hell or high water.
EDITOR: I don't know whether to be relieved by that or not.
The Fug Whisperer
I caught an eyeball or two of Aisha Tyler at Fashion Week and thought to myself (as opposed to thinking to someone else. I haven't mastered that yet), in the following order:
"a) Damn, she is tall and good-looking. I hate her.
b) Is that Aisha's boyfriend? Hot.
c) Is that GWYNETH PALTROW OVER THERE? No, that's a dude.
d) La Tyler's been dressing so well lately.
e) I just really love bagels."
And then this had to go and happen:
Yeah. This was not her wisest decision. I'd wager this hurts her more than that time the plane landed on her head on Ghost Whisperer and killed her off.
Posted by Jessica at 09:32 AM | Permalink
February 28, 2008
All I Want for Fug Is You
So, get ready for me to blow your mind. We're entered an alternate universe, one where up is down, black is white, salt is pepper, Salt is Pepa, and cats and dogs are lying down together. I think Mariah looks cute here in her Sandy Olsson from Grease shiny black leggings-esque get-up, although TECHNICALLY, I think these are more like....pleather skinny jeans:
I know, I know: I've spent the last sixty years (more or less) whinging and whining and wailing and crying and tearing out my hair about the leggings and leggings-esque pant-like items, and don't get me wrong. This is not what I would have dressed Mariah in, myself, although....you know, she is kind of working it. Let's just say that I just like them better than this:
Oh my god, honey. Listen. No. A mesh tank top over a sparkly bra is a bigger miscarriage of justice than Glitter ever was. I mean, at least Glitter provided us with the immortal line, courtesy of a douchey and hilariously-weirdly accented "European" music video director: "Is she black? Is she white? I do not know! She is exotic. I NEED TO SEE MORE OF HER BREASTS!" You can't keep listening to that man, Mimi! He's no good for you!
Posted by Jessica at 12:23 PM | Permalink
Oscar Fug Carpet: There Will Be Fug
REBECCA MILLER: Darling, you look so dapper.
DANIEL DAY-LEWIS: Thanks, sweetness. I thought it was about time; I'm tired of lumberjack plaid. You look gorgeous, too, of course.
REBECCA: We're so in love.
REBECCA: Wait, what? I never said anything before about the plaid or those silly earrings, and now you're giving me an "although"?
DANIEL: It's just... you're marvelous, but the dress is a bit Death Of An Accessories Salesman.
REBECCA: Daniel, if you want to throw my father's work in my face, he ALSO wrote a radio play called The Pussycat and The Plumber Who Was A Man, which is what we USUALLY look like when we leave the house. Well, minus the cat. But you get my point.
DANIEL: No, I...
REBECCA: Maybe I wanted a turn being the wacky one. Did you ever think of that?
DANIEL: All I'm saying is, what if someone comes up and tries to use the door-knocker on your breasts? Then it's all "knockers" puns, all the time, AND I'll have to punch someone. And I'm just not that guy.
REBECCA: No. You far prefer to be wearing your wood-cutting loafers than starting fights.
DANIEL: At least I might have made these myself.
REBECCA: Well, maybe I made this, too. You don't know. You're not the only crafty one in the family.
DANIEL: Let's not squabble. Let's just agree that we're both a little crazy, and then go home and recreate that scene from Ghost but with my cobbling equipment.
REBECCA: You naughty crumpet! I can't wait. Make your acceptance speech short.
Lilo LeggingsWatch2008: A Ray of Hope
It's been a head-scratching time for all of us, trying to figure out exactly WHY multiple Razzie Award winner Lindsay Lohan persists in squeezing herself into The Lycra Scourge during every waking and/or daylight hour. Is she ashamed of her legs, somehow? Are they nocturnal?
Apparently we can cross both of those off the list. Behold her leaving traffic school:
[Photo: Splash News]
Maybe she realized wearing leggings in a classroom would be an impediment to anyone else learning anything about driving, as all they would do is ask her nosy things like, "Seriously, how many pairs of those do you own? What is wrong with you? Have you fired your mother yet?"
However, now we have a potential new slippery slope to monitor. Remember when Britney Spears did nothing but wander around town in crinkled, ratty, miniscule denim cut-off shorts, replete with Cheeto crust and Federline residue and the muck of a thousand gas-station bathrooms, and it looked like they hadn't been laundered in about six years? These shorts of Lindsay's are rather evocative of those. Hopefully there is no kind of filthy, deranged thrall that jean-shorts can cast over a young mind. At the first sign of an orange fingerprint or a backup dancer, someone needs to intervene -- although if she shows up on TV with a flesh-toned bodysuit and a giant snake, let's wait and see how it plays out, because that could get interesting.
Fug the Ad: Hayden Panettiere
I first saw this ad on a plane trip, and it was all I could do not to turn to one of the strangers on either side of me and say, "WTF? Have you seen this?"
[Photo: Splash News]
I mean, it's not like Candie's is known for deeply artistic and emotionally evocative ads that art, art history, theatre, English and photography students are going to rip out of their copies of W and stick on their dorm room cork boards between black and white photo spreads of Morrissey and the complete collection of those infamous Calvin Klein "Wow, These Turned Out Pornier Than Usual" ads, or whatever artsy college students are putting up in their rooms these days. (In addition to these cultural touchstones, my dorm-mates played a lot of Rent. I presume that slot is currently being occupied by Once soundtrack. Ah, college. Smoke all those cloves while you still can.) I mean, this is the company that ran an ad featuring Jenny McCarthy on the toilet:
And as much eye-rolling I did at that one back in the day, I'd venture to say that the McCarthy ad is almost cuter. It's a youth-oriented brand, and at least Jenny looks sort of fresh-faced and charmed by the fact that you're snapping a photo of her on the can. Hayden, on the other hand, looks like a Paris Hilton impersonator on her way to the 7th Annual Slap-Off, an event at which local entertainers compete to see who can put on the most make-up without his or her face actually sliding off. If I were feeling particularly bitchy, I might add that she also looks like she might be tempted to earn her Slap-Off entrance fee by putting in an extra hour on her regular corner. But that just seems mean.
Posted by Jessica at 09:46 AM | Permalink
February 27, 2008
Fug Or Fab: Rachel Bilson's Bangs
As I'm sure you've heard, there's HUGE NEWS in the world of foreheads: GFY HQ Girl Crush Rachel Bilson has CUT BANGS?!?!11111!!! BANGS!
We've heard from readers waxing both pro and con re: THE BANGS, and as we've been sort of run ragged by the delicious Oscar shenanigans of this week (looking up how to spell Marion Cottilard multiple times can be tiring!), we thought, let's put it to a vote: