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March 20, 2008

Fug Madness 2008: Charo, Round One

(1) CHLOE SEVIGNY vs. (16) CAMERON DIAZ

Chloe is one of the founding inspirations for this site, having caused us to scratch our heads in confusion so many times it's a wonder we have any skin left up there. For instance, what is going on here?

It's a ... bra... strip... sheath. Yes! A BraStripSheath! Case closed! And yet, because she's cleaned up her act a little recently -- the above doozy notwithstanding -- we initially had Chloe at a No. 2 seed... right up until she made the catastrophic mistake of attaching both her name and her image to this line of clothing. Really, that's the most damning case against her, although if you peruse this exhaustive Chloe-themed archive, you'll assault your retinas with plenty more. Saddle up and wear some padded long johns under your jeans, because that is going to be a long and bumpy ride.

Cameron Diaz has come out of a period of relative success, in which she fearlessly deployed her best weapon against her Biel-banging ex: those mile-long muscular legs. The flip side, though, is that she often rests on her laurels with bad styling and worse makeup, often when it counts the most. Cam was sloppy at the Oscars -- twice, really -- and a little crazy-bridal at the Golden Globes, not to mention ripping an occasional page from The Ashlee Simpson Book of Inauthentic Punk.

And let's not forget that Chloe isn't the only one to have been inspired by the fashions of Donna Martin:

See? It's perfect for those times when you're dating a petulant, perpetually skint guitar-player who works in a pumpkin patch, and smashes his produce on your front porch. Bonus points if Cameron wraps herself in a puffy yellow coat and goes as the Oscar Meyer wiener for Halloween.

It boils down to whether Cameron's offenses are worse than the one-two punch of the clothes Chloe wears and the ones she's trying to sell. It's a regular C+C Fug Factory up in here. Everybody vote now!

(4) JESSICA SIMPSON vs. (13) PHOEBE PRICE

Poor Jessica Simpson. She got branded a loser, a destined spinster and a curse, all because a) she couldn't make it work with the admittedly amusing, probably charming, yet totally man-whorey John Mayer, and b) her new boyfriend had the audacity to lose a few football games. [Her bigger crime, in our eyes? Wearing a pink Cowboys jersey instead of one in the actual team colors. We're jersey purists. Take your pastel, sparkly team shirts someplace else, merchandisers.] The girl's had it rough. And with a parade of questionable fashion choices in her past, which I am too lazy to arrange in link form, she's not making it any easier on herself.

This game against Phoebe comes down to a matchup between two people who, at times, might as well go home and let drag queens do all their PR instead. Behold:

Oh, there's more to Phoebe Price. So much more. A whole world more. And another universe beyond that, which exists primarily in the imaginations of deranged fame-seekers and children who eat paste.

But we ask you, sweet readers, which is worse: Someone like P-Squared, who knows full well what fug she's perpetrating and how desperate it looks, and goes ahead and does it anyway, or a J.Simp type who haplessly staggers from fug to fug without really registering what she's doing wrong? Tough call.

(5) ALICIA KEYS  vs. (12) EVA LONGORIA

What this photo does not do justice to, but to which any viewer of the Grammys can attest, is the fact that Alicia Keys frolicked across the stage in what appeared to be rubber leggings.

They probably aren't, but any outfit that forced me even to contemplate the potential existence of rubber leggings deserves to be filed permanently underneath six feet of soil. Alicia's been having some trouble with her latest album, performing and promoting it in jumpsuit after identical jumpsuit, often with the contours of her Spanx visible to the naked eye. She once left the house wearing knee tourniquets, convincingly portrayed a woman in her sixties completely (one assumes) by accident, and had the gall to steal out from under my nose what was clearly destined to be my wedding dress.

Eva Longoria, on the other hand, is just so damn sparkly all the time -- that is, when she's not stepping on Joan Collins' turf, starring in her own one-person swimsuit contest or emulating a cartoon mouse. I keep expecting to hear it announced that she's taken a second job opening for Kathie Lee Gifford on a Carnival Cruise.

I don't have time to contemplate all the hoo-ha that's happening on her chest, because there's going to be charades on the Lido Deck in five minutes and I don't want to be late.

(8) DIANE KRUGER vs. (9) MARY-KATE OLSEN

Like a lot of March Madness's tight eight- and nine-seed matchups, this one ought to be close. In one corner, you have Diane Kruger, subject of a section in the book about how hard her fashion pendulum swings from "gorgeous" to "ghoulish." She's prone to Sevigny-style insanity, exploring the wonders of wearable bathroom decor, wearing what looks like two different dresses sewn together, and... well, we're still not entirely sure what this is.

But hey, for two bucks she'll tell you the color of your aura.

In the other corner: mini-mogul and disheveled hobo-sprite Mary-Kate Olsen.

If you cherish consistency, then M-K's your girl -- she's reliably messy with an aura of mail-order bride, possibly on the verge of grabbing a fistful of eye of newt and throwing into her cauldron, and even conveniently already possessed of what appears to be a boxer's robe. Game on, Diane.

Posted by H & J at 11:01 AM in Fug Madness | Permalink

Comments

Chloe Sevigny should win this whole thing. Period. Not even a competition

Posted by: Trisha | Mar 20, 2008 11:02:55 AM

I'm rooting for Phoebe Price to pull an upset.

Posted by: Sara | Mar 20, 2008 11:04:10 AM

I agree. I was going with P-squared because I temporarily forgot about Ms. High-Waisted Shorts, but really, no one does fug like Chloe.

Posted by: Lisa | Mar 20, 2008 11:05:37 AM

Ugh, it was very hard not to let personal feelings interfere! I LOVE Chloe, and I just couldn't bring myself to vote for her. Grrr, I hate that she deserves to win this whole thing!

Posted by: Lullaby | Mar 20, 2008 11:09:06 AM

Gosh, I read you every day but there were so many Chloes missed, my brain is now sizzling! Thanks!

Posted by: Cecily | Mar 20, 2008 11:09:09 AM

Thank you so much, Fug Ladies, for calling BS on pink sports memorabilia. The madness must end.

Posted by: c-doll | Mar 20, 2008 11:10:15 AM

I feel like "It Takes Two" is Mary-Kate Olsen's greatest piece to date. And I unfortunately (or not) bought some of her cute boxers from Wal-Mart way back in the day. Thus, I feel compelled to vote for Diane Kruger.

Posted by: NickC | Mar 20, 2008 11:10:44 AM

I second Chloe winning! What is worse than her boobaliciousness? WHAT???

Posted by: Mel | Mar 20, 2008 11:10:51 AM

The Ashlee Simpon Book of Inauthentic Punk.

Simpon? Er... not to be picky girls, but I think you mean Simpson...

Posted by: Beth | Mar 20, 2008 11:11:04 AM

I really don't understand why there isn't a link to those God-forsaken high-waisted, pleated pants Jessica Simpson wore about a year ago. In my opinion, she has committed WAY more fashion crimes than even Chloe Sevigny!!

Posted by: fruitsalad | Mar 20, 2008 11:11:28 AM

Thank you so much, Fug Ladies, for calling BS on pink sports memorabilia. The madness must end.

Posted by: c-doll | Mar 20, 2008 11:12:02 AM

I have Chloe losing to Bai Ling in the 4th round.... ballsy I know.

Posted by: Dove | Mar 20, 2008 11:12:33 AM

yow. is it terrible that i don't know who pheobe price is? should i know her? and the fact that i only know her due to her whacked out fashion sense is what sealed the game for her in my eyes.

and, let's admit, in years to come, chloe may get her own bracket and replace charo.

but, i have to say that mary-kate's bohemien oddities seem to work for her--she's identified a niche and she's really stuck to it whereas diane kruger IS sevignyesque, truly, and doesn't seem to have a sense of fug unlike many we've seen.

Posted by: km | Mar 20, 2008 11:13:57 AM

What pushes it over the top for me to vote for Mary Kate? The roots. How is that someone with that much money can never manage a simple trip to the stylist for a touch-up?
I agree about Chloe though...she truly is the queen of fug.

Posted by: peachfish | Mar 20, 2008 11:15:10 AM

after looking over that whole Chloe list I am in disbelief that she wasn't the #1 seed. Yeah we all hate leggings, but if there is an actual red carpet involved 3/4 of the time Lohan looks good...its just her stumbling around day-to-day stuff that's fug. But Chloe is full on fug all the time

Posted by: lambman | Mar 20, 2008 11:15:44 AM

I am going to get absolutely no work done at all until this is over, am I? Fabulous. All of it.

Posted by: Jon | Mar 20, 2008 11:17:58 AM

Chloe winning?! She doesn't even deserve her one-seed. Bai Ling FTW!

I'm in complete agreement with regards to pink sports-fan stuff. Ugh.

Posted by: Ryan with a capital "R" | Mar 20, 2008 11:18:42 AM

Chloe is a formidable fug. Fo sho.

Posted by: Beth | Mar 20, 2008 11:19:07 AM

I'm sorry, but there is NO competition with the fugness that is Chloe.

Posted by: Heather | Mar 20, 2008 11:19:47 AM

To me Phoebe is like Peldon- not a celebrity fugging it up to get attention while Jessica really thinks she looks good. It's so sad.

Posted by: Jean | Mar 20, 2008 11:19:51 AM

You know, I voted for Chloe but now I'm wishing had gone with Ms. Diaz. I mean Chloe's clothes are always crazy, but she always seems well put together somehow - she's precise. Diaz just looks like a mess.

Posted by: Molly | Mar 20, 2008 11:20:43 AM

The Brown Bunny is the ultimate Fug...

Posted by: Jeff | Mar 20, 2008 11:21:12 AM

Oh, I can leave a comment? neat.

Chloe Sevigny FTW! (the dastardliness she performed on Vincent Gallo gives her the edge)

Posted by: cloudy | Mar 20, 2008 11:21:32 AM

I want to see Chloe in the same room as Bai Ling. You know it would be the stuff of legend.

Posted by: Genevieve | Mar 20, 2008 11:22:08 AM

Chloe is the Duke University of the Fuggies. If she lost, it would be a huge upset.

The mitten-toe boots she wore would grant her a bracket, and everything else she's ever worn makes her the Empress of Fug. What kills me is she seems to be an intelligent woman - why the clothes, Chloe? Why?

Posted by: justzoot | Mar 20, 2008 11:22:13 AM

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