Fug Madness 2008: Cher, Round One

(1) LINDSAY LOHAN              vs.      (16) COURTNEY PELDON

In which our intrepid play-in winner Courtney Peldon faces off against Fug's First Lady of the Leggings, Ms. Lindsay Lohan. While C. Peld's recent strong showing in Fug Madness's premiere game has some experts wondering if she could upset LiLo -- - and has certainly reminded us all that she's TOTALLY NUTBALL --  we must remind you, the voter, that Peldon hasn't really been out and about much recently. Leggings Lohan, on the other hand, has been running around in those trousers of evil for something like 73 days straight and has threatened to actually start selling them.  Also, she's capable of this:

Yes, that's a CROPPED SEQUINED REF'S JERSEY. She also once wore what we think is a bike chain tied around her head, appeared in public wearing PANTALOONS, and abused grammar severely. (We choose not to remind you of the fact that she pioneered the unfortunate trend of flashing her pantyless crotch at photographers, but you know it's true.) All that being said, we freaking love Lindsay, even if she is a total hot mess half the time and appears to be trying to actually kill us. Engendering that kind of emotion in people despite being someone who went through a long period of flashing copious side-tit (basically SFW, unless you're a nun) is kind of awesome. On the other hand, Courtney, in addition to all the fugly deliciousness showcased Tuesday, also owns this:

A hard choice, no? Think upon it -- who is more fugly? The Mean Girl who went from being a young, fresh, red-headed, wholesome delight to being someone who goes outside in a Bret Michaels costume and is, by her own admission, prone to stealing other people's drug-filled pants? Or the uber-tacky but still somehow winsome missy who generally looks like she's just raided Trashy Lingerie on the way home from a bake sale? Remember, we're voting based on sartorial body of work, not just these particular heinous-yet-hilarious (heinlarious?) examples thereof. Not that that makes it an easier choice...

polls by twiigs.com...

 

(4) RIHANNA                             vs.      (13) SANDRA OH

Can you imagine being stuck in an elevator with these two? We suspect their accessories might somehow cause you grievous physical injuries and we also think it's possible they both could wait out the entire ordeal without giving you any good dirt. In other words, neither of them seem like quite as much gossipy fun as either Lilo OR Courtney Peldon. But we're talking about their clothes here, and both Rihanna and Sandra Oh are fashion risk-takers who sometimes look awesome and sometimes look like they were styled by Susie Head-Injury.  Rihanna earned herself a 4 seed thanks to a recent past including a  Schizophrenic Grammys Week complete with a dress that might actually be a salute to Bea Arthur, thigh-high leg-warmers, a seriously tragic lace shorts jumpsuit (three words never destined to be said in that order), and the following crazy delight:

Rihanna's body language here sort of screams, "yeah, Chris Brown told me this outfit was a bad idea, but I didn't think he knew what the heck he was talking about. Why didn't I listen to my cute secret boyfriend? WHY? I hope my boob doesn't come out."

And speaking of body language, let's take a look at her competitor, Sandra "Secretly Hates Katherine Heigl, Don't You Think?" Oh:

HER body language whispers, "I'm wearing a vacuum filter, and I'm not okay. Also, remember that time I wore that crazy thing to the Emmys with all those necklaces? Some people loved it, but some other people thought I looked like a mannequin at Claire's Accessories. Sure, I generally look okay, but secretly you're pretty sure I have a deep well of fug buried within my soul that is about to burst out at any moment and slap you right across the face." Look, you know that's true. She's thinking about wearing a set of glass fruit earrings and a barrel to the next Golden Globes right now. She just is.

polls by twiigs.com...

(5) FERGIE                                   vs.      (12) BRAD PITT

Don't get so worked up. We're not saying that Brad Pitt isn't super dreamy, or that his masterful portrayal of a Fed Ex guy in Jimmy Kimmel's "I'm F%#@ing Ben Affleck" didn't set our hearts aflutter and our loins aflame. We ARE saying that dude is in a rut, and that rut is dressed just like our grandpas:

Golf pants-esque fabrics. An omnipreset newsboy cap (sure, he was selling them for charity once, but he could surely sell more than one genre of hat, oui? How about a sombero, just to mix it up? That being said, every time the video plea on his Make It Right website plays, each member of this office giggles girlishly and has to sit down, including Intern George. Who has Brad winning this whole thing, because he's delusional). He's also sporting increasingly troublesome facial/cranial hair. If Brad starts complaining about those jackasses at the condo management board and the overall management of the Los Angeles Dodgers, we're really going to get concerned and may write Angelina a worried letter about her man's geriatric tendencies. On the other hand, Brad is the best accessorised man in town when it comes to Hot Life-Partners and Insanely Cute Children. He also has the advantage of being Brad Pitt.

Speaking of people with cute better-halves, let's take a look at our 5 seed, Miss Fergie Ferg:

If we'd had this a tournament last year, she might well have landed a 1 seed, thanks to those many long years of pants-peeing and pleated short-shorts-wearing she put once put in. Truth be told, Fergie's been looking pretty cute lately. Not that we've forgotten the long and terrible history that got her here, and -- after all -- we are voting based on the past as well as the present.  The girl did once go out dressed as a Pink Lady. She rarely, if ever, covered her midriff. And just this summer, she wore a pair of denim bloomers. Yes, in public. She's got a long way to go before she's out of contention for this thing. You could ID her bare stomach in a line-up still, and you know it.

polls by twiigs.com...

(8) NELLY FURTADO              vs         (9) PAULA ABDUL

We recently worked with a man who insisted on calling our 8 seed "Nelly Fart-Hardo," and while that is clearly very juvenile, we could not NOT laugh at it. Every time he said it. Perhaps because Nelly often looks as though she just smelled a fart-hardo.

Don't look so superior, lady. You're wearing a dress over pants and all those kids in the background think you're totally boring.  Maybe they're just traumatized because they can't forget the time you starred in Charmin On Ice. Or the time you appeared dressed as a casual pirate. Or that OTHER TIME you dressed as a casual pirate. Or your recent, inexplicable descent into blondness. And maybe our voters won't be able to get over it either. Then what face will you make?

Maybe this one, hopefully complete with judgmental pointing:

Oh, PAULA. Every week on American Idol you seem yet more affected by whatever that is in your cup. And we advise you to confirm that you're drinking, if only because intoxication explains outfits like this one, in which you appear to be in costume for a Deadwood-inspired dance revue. A revue in which you also appear wearing this. That's two too many Deadwood-inspired dance revue outfits for our blood.

But we suspect this one might get close. Nelly and Paula both have such a rich history of fug-tastical ensembles that it's hard for us even to choose. Luckily, it's all up to you:

polls by twiigs.com...