Fug Madness 2008: Madonna, Round One

(2) JENNIFER LOPEZ                      vs.  (15) NATALIE PORTMAN

Oh my god, taking the trip through J.Lo's archives on this very site has reminded us once more that J.Lo is a special, treasured genius who has earned her high-seeding in blood, sweat, tears, and chiffon. From her spectacular stage wear -- can we interest you in the world's most complicated halter top, complete with fireworks? How about a jacket made of Chewbacca? Or an adult-sized, bump-concealing South Beach Barbie costume? -- to her red carpet choices (shall we remind you of the turban?), she is a delectable melange of over-the-top, crazy-ass fug that can not be denied.

Natalie Portman's fug, on the other hand, CAN be denied, which is why she is but a lowly 15 seed.  That being said, this dress -- "important"  (which we occasionally feel is fashion-speak for  "ugly, but by a good designer") though it may be -- seems like something you'd have to be be talked into by a vigilant stylist armed with a bull-whip and a handful of tranquilizers:

Portman's lovely, sure, but she's had her fair share of gaffes, many of which involve very bad make-up, and the decision to appear in Mr. Magorium's Magic Emporium. And keeping her V For Vendetta hair for it, like that movie wasn't terrible enough without her looking like that  little boy we babysat in high school.

polls by twiigs.com...

(3) HELENA BONHAM CARTER  vs.  (14) KELLY OSBOURNE

HBC's crazy, half-vagrant/half-wacky ceramics teacher look is well-known around these parts.

She and Tim Burton do seem like a perfect match, as we like to imagine them puttering around their house with bits of newspaper stuck in their hair, chatting about goodness knows what -- maybe HBC's tendency to show up places looking as though she'd just filmed Ophelia's death scene (spoiler!), or how excellent and creepy she is as Bellatrix Lestrange, or how she often goes outside wearing what might be pajamas.

Speaking of someone we saw in her pjs a lot, we must turn our attention to Helena's challenger, Kelly Osbourne. We have a soft spot for Kelly O. For one thing, she's been looking reliably pretty cute lately  and god knows, we love us a make-over. On the other hand, nothing could erase from our memories ensembles like this:

Nor could we forget moments like this one, in which she took her bosom out for an airing. Nor this crazy-ass wig. Nor THIS crazy-ass haircut. Nor any number of similar times she went outside in about a pound of make-up, a tutu, and corset. You've made incredible strides, Kelly, but our memories are long.

polls by twiigs.com...

(6) BEYONCE                          vs.  (11) KYLIE MINOGUE

We'd like to take this moment to thank Beyonce.

She is clearly seriously entertaining. We've railed against leggings in all forms -- cotton, pleather, rubber -- but when you've got a girl wearing gold-plated ones, you have to just take off your turban to her. Indeed, Beyonce is the queen of That's Terrible...I MIGHT LOVE IT dressing, in that she often looks crazy, as she does in this number which she wore the same evening as the outfit pictured above, but her crazy is also also generally SPECTACULAR, and occasionally involves material in which you can check your lip gloss.    She also tends to favor short shorts. Especially when they're made of gold lame.

Her competition here could probably get away with short shorts, as she is a past winner of Great Britain's Bum of the Year award. Sadly, Kylie then covered her bum with something from the Blanche Devereaux Pantsuit Line:

Girl, you're better than that. You're also better than this crazy cousin of Sandra Oh's Vacuum Filter. And this 80s bridesmaid dress, complete with butt-bow. Your bum is STILL a delight! Don't cover it in a giant bow, we say. We also say that, just between us, you should still be wicked peevish about what they did to you on the cover of Australian Vogue. Maybe call someone about that.

polls by twiigs.com...

(7) JENNIFER CONNELLY          vs.  (10) LUCY LIU

Both women in this game are seriously gorgeous, with enviably fabulous hair.  They're also both prone to showing up places in outfits that would prompt an, "ooooh, crazy!" on the runway, but provoke, "Um, CRAZY." in real life:

This is probably due in part to business reasons. Jennifer is the face of Balenciaga, which presumably means she gets some awesome free shoes and bags, but also has to go outside wearing the likes of this. Not that she was doing so hot on her own. Leggings and mesh shoes? Really? You have an Oscar. You're not Lindsay Lohan.

As for Lucy, the hand of Pat Field has felled her on more than one occasion: knee-socks and grandma shorts on one hand, jogging in a fur coat on another. Which is not to say that, when left to her own devices, she doesn't go outside looking like she and Pat Field are sharing a closet -- witness the psychotic balloon sleeves above, or the Most Dramatic of That Dramatic McQueen Sling-Thing, which of course she accessorized with elbow gloves, as you do.

So how do you choose? We suspect this final game of the day is going to be very, very close. Have at it!

polls by twiigs.com...