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March 21, 2008

Fug Madness 2008: Bjork, Round One, Continued

(1) MISCHA BARTON vs. (16) KRISTEN BELL

Kristen Bell sneaks in at the lowest-possible seed because of what a solid recent history she has. The hemlines have risen, her legs look longer, and we've documented her improving taste an accidentally excessive amount. [We wrote a whole chapter in The Fug Awards about how she needed a fashion intervention, and lo and behold, she got one mere months before it was published. THANKS A LOT, KRISTEN. You couldn't have waited?] Why have we gotten so repetitive with our praise? Frankly, because we forget about the hot streak almost as soon as we acknowledge it. So potent was her stumpification of years past -- check it out here, along with some of her hits, in Kristen's personalized archive -- that it still bleaches our brains of her more recent successes. Although we'd be remiss in claiming that the hemline issue was her only problem.


[Photo: Splash News]

Watch that balance on your hideous straw wedges, Kristen -- if you fall over, that blouse-dress you're wearing will ride up all the way to Pantytown.

But Kristen has her work cut out for her if she's going to knock off Mischa Barton, who is prone to putting together fascinating -- read: WTF?!? -- outfits like this:


[Photo: INFDaily.com]

First those cheap-looking high-waisted shorts, and now this. Not to mention the jeans that make it look like she's wearing an adult diaper under there. Of course, sometimes her instincts are spot-on -- I mean, if Mischa were attending a blood orgy in a forest located in the fourth circle of Hell, then this outfit would be perfect. Even her sister can't put on a happy poker face, and you know she's delivering a scathing inner monologue about how much she resents their mother for not taking away Mischa's credit card. Somebody should, though, and do it before she buys any more of those ridiculous headbands.

(4) NICOLE KIDMAN vs. (13) EVA GREEN

For someone who has such a stiff, reserved, buttoned-up image a lot of the time, Nicole Kidman has a really wacky fashion history. 

I'm not sure which befuddles me more -- the dress, or the poster behind it, which feels like it's trying to hypnotize me into slapping this thing onto a best-dressed list. I have to look away lest I get sucked into its dangerous thrall. And remember when she wore the mermaid flapper dress? Or the red Balenciaga that tried to throttle some life into her, and failed? I mean, the woman showed up to a movie premiere dressed like the Tin Man. That is something I would expect from Tilda Swinton -- it's what I imagine she wears to the supermarket to pick up a baguette to go with dinner -- but not from Nicole Kidman.

Eva Green, on the other hand, is generally extremely buttoned-up, in the most costumey, dramatic way possible.

That is brave and hilarious, right there. It almost defies words. Her hair is MAGICAL, a veritable fiesta platter of backbrushing and driving 90 m.p.h. in a convertible and falling asleep with your wet finger in a wall socket. She is no stranger to the overdramatic, and we love that about her.

But with Eva Green's awesomely batshit clothes comes an equally loony aura, like she is one step away from cutting off a lock of your hair and asking you to spit in a cup so she can brew a potion that will make you bionic. Conversely, Kidman pastes a tight-lipped, quasi-angelic smile on her face, stands ramrod straight, and almost acts like she's trying to dissociate herself from anything below her chin. What does it all mean? Is she aware of the fug and regretting it? Is she clueless?  Afraid to embrace it? It's another example of deliberate fug versus... well, we're not sure, exactly. All we know is Kidman's been very questionable lately, and got the higher seed because she's been out and about in public a lot more often than the flamboyantly inane Green, who is presumably at home restocking her shelves with eye of newt and tongue of lemur. If only they'd make that Golden Compass sequel so we could see them make the rounds side-by-side.

(5) TYRA BANKS vs. (12) SPENCER & HEIDI

Miss Tyra is a national treasure. And not just because of her hair (although it deserves its own hall of shameful fame, perhaps installed in a building built in the image of this architecturally intriguing updo).

How did she manage to turn a slinky red satin number into something borderline matronly? We'll never know. It's all part of The Power of Tyra, and perhaps we're not meant to understand. Or at least, that's what I tell myself whenever I run up against another of her getups that has me banging my head against the desk. For instance, there was bronzer. And a kimono with lace panels. A giant chocolate wedding cake. Turns out I've had a lifelong comprehension problem when it comes to her.

Speaking of things I don't understand:

Say hello to one of the grossest reality-show couples in history, and yes, that includes anything spawned by Joe Millionaire, The Bachelor, and the hot tub at the Big Brother house (we hope there is a LOT of chlorine in that thing). It's almost irrelevant what they're wearing; the two of them don't so much walk around town as ooze, and their inherent publicity-grubbing douchiness lends an air of ickyness to anything they do, even if it's for charity. Recently, Us Weekly named Heidi its "Best Head-To-Toe Makeover," and we strenuously object. For one thing, those implants look like she had boulders installed, and for another, the nose job and the extra-bleached hair and whatnot served no purpose than to make her look as generic as any other waitress in this town with Aspirations. Now that she's played God with her lips, she doesn't even look like herself. It's terrible, and all so unnecessary. We blame Spencer (and have written that so many times we should probably start selling it as a t-shirt). It's impossible to consider one without pondering all the icky, oily things they've done on camera, either authentically or just to get themselves in the tabloids. Either way, ew.

But are they a match for Miss Tyra and her wigariffic weaves of glory?

(8) TILDA SWINTON vs. (9) KEVIN FEDERLINE

This is the marquee matchup of the day, in our eyes. These are two people we'd really like to take to dinner -- on someone else's tab, because a lot of liquor would need to be involved -- and just turn on a tape recorder and let the magic happen. I mean, can you see these two people at the same table?

Tilda, in her arachnid-themed, urine-colored dress -- or perhaps her Oscar toga, with this as a coat -- could swan in and dispense advice to K-Fed on how to choose a suit...

... while K-Fed would blow her off, all, "Chillax, Maxine Headroom. Here, try on my cape." He'd show her some dance moves, maybe explain the benefits of socks with flip-flops, and tell her all about his experience on One Tree Hill. It would end either with Tilda breaking a bottle of champagne over his head, or contributing phat raps to his next album and arranging it so they co-star in a sensitive screen adaptation of some Nicholas Sparks novel. Regardless, I want to be part of it.

Posted by H & J at 10:00 AM in Fug Madness | Permalink

Comments

K-Fed is about as low as you can get. Somebody stop him!

Posted by: Indiana | Mar 21, 2008 10:07:19 AM

Tilda's brand of craziness always works for me.

Posted by: Joseph J. Finn | Mar 21, 2008 10:09:17 AM

Oh my god, this is the best thing EVER! You girls are a national treasure!!

Posted by: jen | Mar 21, 2008 10:10:12 AM

Ah, Kevin always fresh and funky with the fuggly!

Posted by: samantha | Mar 21, 2008 10:11:14 AM

I would pay good money to listen to the K-Fed/Swinton album and/or see thier movie. And I have zero shame about it.

Posted by: Kate | Mar 21, 2008 10:13:19 AM

Where are all the links to Tilda's crazy transgender suits?! She's a stand out fugifier if i ever saw one.

Posted by: Amber | Mar 21, 2008 10:15:46 AM

Mischa at least has her own personal style, which Kristen seems to lack.

Posted by: Fran | Mar 21, 2008 10:20:38 AM

Tilda Swinton is fantastically amazing.

Posted by: amyliz | Mar 21, 2008 10:21:48 AM

I hope Tyra takes this. Not only is she fabulous in OTT kind of way, but the couple that shall not be named cannot win at anything or I will lose all faith in humanity and will to live.

Posted by: Becka | Mar 21, 2008 10:22:01 AM

Oh, it's such a hard decision, Tilda or K-Fed. But at least Tilda tries whereas K-Fed looks like he just put on everything he found in someone elses garbage.

Posted by: Sanne | Mar 21, 2008 10:22:24 AM

Any way to get rid of the "girls go wild at the car wash" ad with the multi-mammaries? Talk about FUGLY!!! It's so bad I may have to forego GFY for a while until the ads rotate....

Posted by: foop | Mar 21, 2008 10:22:46 AM

Amber: Right about the K-Fed picture, where it says Tilda could help him choose a suit, there is a link to two of her crazy suits.

Posted by: Heather | Mar 21, 2008 10:22:47 AM

Foop: We're on it; we're trying to deal with it ASAP. Please bear with us!

In future, please e-mail us about site-related questions, rather than putting them in the comments -- which are just for talking about the entry in question. Thanks!

Posted by: Heather | Mar 21, 2008 10:23:49 AM

Federline is wearing a CAPE! 'Nuff said.

Posted by: Jenn | Mar 21, 2008 10:23:52 AM

My androgynous crush on Tilda just wouldn't let me throw her under the bus. And I would have voted for Eva Green...but I'm afraid of her. She's got those eyes that say, Do me wrong and I'll snack on your heart.

ps...secretly wish Tyra was wearing K-Fed's sock/flip-flop combo with that tragic kimono. Then it would almost make sense!

Posted by: lelo | Mar 21, 2008 10:24:13 AM

I'm not sure it's entirely fair to pit Tyra against Heidi and Spencer. That's a question of bad fashion choices versus general gag-inducing qualities, and is very difficult to judge. Heidi and Spencer don't have a celebrated history of DRESSING badly, they just happen to be two of the most annoying people in the world.

Posted by: Wendy | Mar 21, 2008 10:24:33 AM

Maybe, but the brackets aren't supposed to be about fairness necessarily. We deemed Tyra a five seed for her quality of fug, and Spencer and Heidi got slotted in as a 12 seed because they're lower-level celebs but stil fairly fug in spirit and in clothes (Heidi can't dress for shit).

The way the bracket is designed, five seeds always meet 12 seeds in the first round, and they drew each other. We didn't hand-pick each matchup; we randomly paired all the five seeds with all the twelves, all the four seeds with the thirteens, etc -- this is just the way it worked out for these two.

Posted by: Heather | Mar 21, 2008 10:26:53 AM

Dear lord, it's Federline based solely on the ookie-factor alone.

Posted by: KHS | Mar 21, 2008 10:26:57 AM

What a fantastic idea for a magazine feature. Send Tilda and K-Fed somewhere together and have one interview the other? Newstand gold right there.

Posted by: AstroAnde | Mar 21, 2008 10:27:54 AM

heidi and spenc got my vote b/c heidi fugged herself semi-permanently with implants!!! that's dedication.

if only we could marry n kid's pastey whiteness with eva green's dramatic flair, we'd have one helluva goth fug--one that could give marilyn manson a run for his money.

Posted by: km | Mar 21, 2008 10:28:51 AM

I was about to vote for Heidi & Spencer because I honestly just hate them so much, however, I really don't want them moving forward in this competition -- because that is what they'd want! I do not want to acknowledge them in any way. Besides, I feel like being deemed the fug winner is an honor. A strange honor, but an honor nonetheless. And those two should never be honored.

Posted by: Hima | Mar 21, 2008 10:29:56 AM

I have to say, I'm a bit surprised to see Nicole Kidman as the #4 seed. In her long career, there have been far more fashion hits than misses, in my opinion. One (or two) bad apple(s), I suppose...

Posted by: Mike | Mar 21, 2008 10:30:31 AM

Spencer and Heidi...Heidi and Spencer...there's really no need to say anymore, except that I hope they take this entire bracket!

And Foop, I agree, that car wash ad is making my eyes melt with its fugliness.

Thank you so much, Fug Girls, for these brackets! I now have a perfectly respectable excuse to waste time at work!

Posted by: Stephie D | Mar 21, 2008 10:30:51 AM

I really can't complain anyway, because it's so freaking awesome that you guys put all this together. It's making my week.

Posted by: Wendy | Mar 21, 2008 10:31:08 AM

OK, here's how I break it down: Mischa's fug is undying, because she really, really thinks that she's some sort of flower-child-waif-wonder; honey, she ain't. She's annoying.

Nicole, because she's been fugging it up for much longer, and has the ability to be both fugly and boring all at the same time. At least Eva is amusing- who knew that using that much AquaNet was still legal?

Tyra, for me, outfugs Heidi and Spencer. My reason is simple: of anyone in this competition, Tyra should know better. She's worked in the fashion industry forever. Believe me, I think we all know by now that she went to live in Paris (away from her mother) when she was 16 and blah blah blah. So no excuses for her.

Finally, K-fed is tacky; Tilda is merely eccentric. Also, K-fed drove Britney insane, and for that, I will never forgive him. He is the reason that Miss Spears isn't defending her rightful place in Fug Madness, and for that, he outfugs Tilda easily.

Posted by: Pia | Mar 21, 2008 10:31:11 AM

The comments to this entry are closed.

 

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