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March 19, 2008

Fuggity Kane

GIRL NO. 1: Eat your heart out, Jamie-Lynn Spears! I'm not pregnant and I have FUNKY BANGS and I could totally play you in the Lifetime Television For Women movie about your struggles. Call me!

GIRL NO. 2: Admit it: You're wondering if I'm secretly a Kardashian, or maybe the little sister of Nicole Scherzinger, and you want to know more. Right? ... Right?

GIRL NO. 3: Look, it's very simple. I'm not allowed to be taller than these other fools, so they make me wear flats, and just as I was leaving the house, I noticed some weeding that needed to be done so I tied garbage bags around my feet to protect my shoes and then forgot to take them off and WHAT, COME ON, you've never DONE THAT? Freaks. You'd be better people if you gardened.

AUBREY O'DAY: I told my stylist that I wanted to look like the Fairy Queen of My Little Pony Island. And it WORKED! He is a genius.

GIRL NO. 5: Why am I even here? I am way too normal for these idiots.

GIRL NO. 1: Ooooh, or I could get with Nickelodeon! I could be the  new Zoey! Zoey 201! Pleeeeeease?

GIRL NO. 2: What people don't know is, the thing hanging on the front of my dress is actually a giant inflatable cocktail tray in the shape of a flower. Isn't that interesting? Aren't I interesting?!?

GIRL NO. 3: Well, my dress used to be somebody's Science Fair project about what happens when you put aluminum foil in the microwave.

AUBREY: I know people only know my name because they used to think I was a professional Paris Hilton impersonator and had to be corrected, but who cares? At least they know!  And after this, they will never forget. Drink it in, people!

GIRL NO. 5: Honey, Paris Hilton wouldn't wear that thing if she'd been sniffling glue for twelve hours. Seriously, I need to get out of here. I'm too normal. NUMBER FIVE IS ALIVE, bitches, and I'm totally going out alone. RIGHT NOW. By which I mean, after the open bar closes.

Posted by Heather at 12:01 PM | Permalink


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