Heather Fugs

I suppose it's only fitting that, after a horrendous, vitriolic, Wild-West-shootout of a split with Paul McCartney, Heather Mills would show up to finalize her divorce proceedings today in something a rodeo clown might wear to a job interview.

I believe those are very high-waisted and unflattering trousers under that multicolored vest. And under that multicolored JACKET, with lining that matches her shirt. It is a psychotically coordinated ensemble. In fact, it's what the awesome, murderous, cross-dressing She-Male on Passions -- whose outfits were always stitched together from one vertical half of a man's ensemble with one vertical half of a woman's, and who is currently torturing his mother into alcoholism by masquerading as a woman named Valerie who is having an AFFAIR with His-Her's FATHER and who is now, I kid you not, possibly PREGNANT WITH HIS-HER FATHER'S BABY -- would've worn to the opening of the She-Male Saloon in Deadwood. Unfortunately, I don't think Heather will get away with trying to spin this into a redemption arc by selling the tragic story of her stress-induced hysterical color blindness to Us Weekly, or by claiming she is a villainous mask-wearing He-She, so maybe she should just embrace this garish mess and check the job listings for actual openings in the exciting rodeo-clown industry. Or go ahead and open a She-Male Saloon.

All of which is deeply unfair to Heather Mills' totally awesome fake leg (well, except for that last thing; a She-Male Saloon would be fantastic). Poor Leg. It deserves so much better. Leg is undeniably cool -- a technological bad-ass that shows up to work day-in, day-out, and never complains about the fact that it's attached to someone who a) forced it and its specially fashioned cousin into participating on Dancing With The Stars, b) is generally considered to be an evil Beatle-bashing shrew, and c) shoves it into clothes from Petite Hobo Sophisticate.

We feel you, Leg. Our souls are torn, too, but we will never leave you. We are, as ever, the captains of Team Leg. If only money could buy class, we could rest assured the settlement will provide you with a more worthy wardrobe; as it is, we'll have to settle for hoping she takes you on a wicked vacation.