Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards Fug Carpet: Jennifer Love Hewitt

Jennifer. JENNIFER.

We'd been doing SO MUCH BETTER lately. And you finally darkened the hair! But for what? So you could wear one of Gretl von Trapp's performance dresses over a pair of jeans? Is your fiance planning to carry you out of the venue and up the stairs after you sing about how the sun has gone to bed?

The thing is, I could live with the dress -- it doesn't fit your chest tremendously well, but overall, I'd probably have ignored this completely if you'd just worn it bare-legged. And possibly with a stiletto heel rather than a wedge. But the jeans, J.Lo.Hew? THE NEEDLESS JEANS? Is this how you repay all the people who got you booted out of Fug Madness in the first round by voting for Scarlett Johansson? And why did my TiVo cut off the end of Top Model last night? How is it possible that I am out of Diet Coke? WHY MUST EVERYTHING BE SUCH A STRUGGLE?

Princess Fugoline of Fugaco

PRINCE ALBERT: AAAH! Um, I mean, ah! It's you, sis! Hi! Ah!

PRINCESS CAROLINE: What's wrong? You seem sort of startled.

ALBERT: ME? No, no, what could POSSIBLY be alarming to me on this glorious night in Monaco?

CAROLINE: It's not ME, is it? Is there something in my teeth?

ALBERT: HA!... Er, I mean, aha, AHA, maybe there is. Yes.

CAROLINE: I hope nobody else noticed!

ALBERT: Oh, I'm pretty sure no one's looking at your teeth.

CAROLINE: Aw, thanks, you're sweet. You look very dapper yourself.

ALBERT: I wasn't... hey, isn't it COLD outside? Don't you want to be wearing a coat? FREEZING. I've never been colder.

CAROLINE: It IS a bit nippy out. Could I just borrow your jacket for a few minutes to warm up a tad?

ALBERT: NO. It's... I mean, this old thing, it's very thin, rather careworn, you'd almost be colder. Maybe we could get you a really LONG wool coat? Or maybe a comforter to wrap yourself in, all toasty-like? Doesn't that sound divine?

CAROLINE: You're so silly. And what's with the red kerchief? Bit showy, don't you think? Tsk, tsk, little brother!

ALBERT: You know what, forget it -- I'm going to find some appetizers. Good luck, fool! I hope Liza Minnelli doesn't send any thugs to beat you up for stealing her dress! Oh, and NICE F'ING PURSE.

CAROLINE: Hmm, what? Did you just say something? Sorry, I was just checking my teeth one more time. What about Nigel's purse?

ALBERT: Sigh. NOTHING.

Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards Fug Carpet: Hal Sparks

Because I don't get Showtime, I don't know much about what Hal Sparks did on Queer as Folk, so I just remember him as the diminutive but smiley guy who hosted Talk Soup after John Henson.

He was cute. And then he turned himself into Gene Simmons.

Nothing against Gene Simmons, who is a legend, and rightly so. But we already have a Gene Simmons and he's very good at being himself. So unless Hal Sparks is going to play Gene in Trump Vodka Presents Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice: The Movie, By Donald Trump, he might want to cool it. What works on Gene Simmons looks a bit like "cocktail waiter and low-level illusionist at Jack's House of Magic" on poor Hal here. I'm a little afraid that if he opens his mouth, a prosthetic tongue will tumble out  and get caught in his waist beads.

Fug Madness 2008: Bjork, "Elite Eight" Round

(1) MISCHA BARTON vs. (3) PARIS HILTON

Oh, these two. These two wacky kids. They've shared so much: boys, booths at Hyde, a dramatic ping-ponging back and forth from looking like Crazy on a Hanger and Hey! Kind of Pretty. Like so:

Bored. But cute! (I like polka dots.)

But then...

Yeah. I hope she's pointing at whomever sold her this mismatched monstrosity and saying, "YOU! I AM COMING FOR YOU. I LOOK LIKE A BAD AFTERNOON WITH FASHION PLATES." But she's probably just picking that evening's escort out of the crowd.

And then there's Cooper. Looking at her photos, I was struck -- as I often am with her -- by how truly pretty she is. And she often looks very pretty indeed:

And then again, sometimes not:

WTF, sugarplum? This isn't the first time I've seen this -- it's in the book -- but I find it as reminiscent of a first grader as costumed by ABBA as I did then.  God, the shared, life-long doubles tennis match between Fine and Fug between these two is giving me a terrible crick in the neck.

polls by twiigs.com...

Fug Madness 2008: Cher, "Elite Eight" round

(2) SHARON STONE vs. (16) COURTNEY PELDON

This could've been the matchup that reunited Sharon Stone with her would-be protege, Lindsay Lohan. Instead, she gets a sartorially deranged munchkin whom we've decided we want Sharon to adopt. Why? Do you even need to ask?

Sharon would be all, "THAT'S DRAMATIC, CHUTNEY, AND THE RED BRA STRAP IS AN INSPIRED CHOICE. BUT IF YOU INSIST ON WEARING PANTIES, YOU SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM ONES THAT LOOK LIKE A SUNBURN."

Also, pink should be deployed very carefully, and on special occasions. Like this one:

When this little gem from last summer popped up, I shouted -- despite being alone at the time -- "HOW DID I MISS THIS THE FIRST TIME?" This outfit perfectly encapsulates the dichotomy of Sharon Stone. On the one hand, she organized this event in aid of giving old designer gowns to disadvantaged girls for their proms, which is lovely and awesome and typical of her philanthropic spirit. On the OTHER hand: a) she wore this to the event, which was b) in public, despite how this has the aura of a woman who keeps her old formal dresses in a trunk in the attic and occasionally gets them out, and sits around the house reading and eating lunch just for an excuse to wear it again and prove it still fits and that She's Still Got It; and c) appears to have made herself Prom Queen, all for tucking a white Hanes shirt into a taffeta skirt she might well have ripped off from Gwyneth Paltrow the year she won for Shakespeare In Love -- and in fact, biting her OWN idea of wearing Gap shirts with formalwear, which Sharon did to more unusual effect in 1996.

I adore these two. Courtney Peldon presumably doesn't HAVE any better options, or doesn't understand them. Sharon Stone, though, is SHARON STONE. She CAN be fabulous; she just chooses to be crazy. And while I respect that on some levels, I also feel like she should pay a penalty to someone for taking that DNA for granted.

Maybe that penalty is adopting Courtney Peldon, for real. I'm sure Brown and her parents would miss her, but it's not like they can't communicate or go shopping once in a while. It's too perfect. Don't you want to see Sharon Stone and Courtney Peldon out on the town together ALL THE TIME now. laughing and chatting and learning from each other? "OKAY, CORDY," Sharon would say. "THE FIRST STEP TO BEING FABULOUS IS BACKCOMBING YOUR HAIR AND THEN STANDING IN A WIND TUNNEL." Then Peldon would go, "What if I just crimp it again?" And Sharon would be all, "THAT'S TERRIFIC, PANTIES. THIS IS GOING TO BE A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP. PASS ME MY BOA."

polls by twiigs.com

Fug Madness 2008: Elite Eight Emerges

Despite all our Hot Technical-Difficulties Action on Friday, we managed to whittle the field down to the Elite Eight -- or, "Round 4," if you prefer. It was rife with drama, typos, and memory lapses (like when we said, "Click here to download the bracket again," and then forgot to attach the bracket), but such is Bracketology Madness. You start, your brain gets scrambled along the way, and it spits you out after the final game feeling exhilarated while also craving a really long nap.

For REAL this time: If you haven't downloaded the bracket and you'd like to here it is: Download Fug_Madness_2008_bracket.pdf

Now I present: The Fug Madness 2008 Elite Eight, courtesy of YOU. We'll have two games today, and two on Tuesday, which determine who "wins" each bracket and moves on to Thursday's Final Four.

(2) SHARON STONE vs. (16) COURTNEY PELDON -- Monday, March 31

Juliette Lewis only managed 36 percent of the vote against the formidable crazy that is Sharon "Rapid Beaver" Stone. For her part, Courtney piled up 60 percent of the vote in knocking off Fergie and continuing her swath of destruction through the shambles that is the Cher Bracket. This is her toughest test yet; we think Sharon will put up one hell of a fight, and not just because of her new nickname.

(1) POSH vs. (6) BEYONCE - Tuesday, April 1

Fab. Just fab. Beyonce bested Jennifer Lopez in a little warm-up Battle of the Divas by a narrow 53 percent to 46 percent. So while J.Lo returns to her absurdly ornate nursery and cuddles the cute babies and Marc sups on some O-positive for energy, Beyonce plows forward to face off with Posh. Mrs. Beckham got out to an early lead and lost a bit of her edge in the late going against Sienna Miller, but nonetheless emerged Victoria-ous (HA! Except, remember what I said about brains being scrambled? Can you TELL?) with 57 percent of the vote.

(1) MISCHA BARTON vs. (3) PARIS HILTON - Monday, March 31

In the end, poor little Brittany Murphy was no match for Paris Hilton -- which might be a good thing, or might be sad, because winning something is always fun, even if it's a contest about how bad your clothes and alleged-maybe-suspected lip injections are. Paris garnered the support of 83 percent of you, and goes on to face Speidi-killer Mischa Barton, who took 71 percent of the vote in dispatching the queasy-making Hills duo.

(1) CHLOE SEVIGNY vs. (2) BAI LING - Tuesday, April 1

Wow. Just wow. But let's not get ahead of ourselves: Chloe made it here by beating the impressively frightening, scantily clad Phoebe Price with a 69-percent mandate, and now gets to face off against the impressively frightening, scantily clad Bai Ling. Tara Reid was no match for Bai, and slunk home with just 17 percent of the vote tucked into her underwear.

NYFug.com

Essentially, while we truly do love Lady Bobbington and her reign of terror at Vogue, we sort of hate the annual "Shape" issue. It's so phony:

"Despite presumably good intentions, the shape issue feels more like Vogue trying to bum a ride on a politically correct bandwagon, and our girl A-Dubs is a particularly lousy hitchhiker. Her editor’s letter boldly blames designers for using scrawny models to present “a non-vivacious, homogenous ideal,” then steps all over that, in its attempt to homogenize zaftig designers Kate and Laura Mulleavy of Rodarte by offering them a free four-month diet and exercise plan."

Oh, Anna. If you're coming for the designers now, are the bloggers NEXT? YOU WILL TEAR THE POTATO CHIPS FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS! More of the same here.

Fugger Again

I am incredibly disheartened that Kelly Clarkson is back to blonde. It's so... crispy. But the bigger problem is Kelly turning her pants into footie pajamas.

[Photo: Splash News]

Honey. Denim is not a shoe. You may have gotten knocked out of Fug Madness in Round Two but that doesn't mean we aren't taking notes for next year. Beware our bookmarks of judgment.

Fug Madness 2008: Madonna, Sweet 16, Continued

(1) POSH vs. (5) SIENNA MILLER

FABULOUS, THIS MATCH-UP. Our gal Vicks might even call it major. A battle of the Brits. But can Posh fight off the young upstart?  Sienna is strong in the ways of the fug. But is she this strong?

Remember those halcyon days before Posh took out the extensions because David kept yanking them out in the heat of the moment? These are good times -- with Posh frolicking around Los Angeles, pretending to care about Scientology a little, but mostly dressing up Katie Holmes like a doll. But these were good times too, at the height of her WAG-dom. Posh, in other words, is kind of a classic.

And then, like Maude, there's Sienna:

Miller is one of those woman whose face always surprises me. She is truly SO PRETTY, but I only tend to notice this in her movies, because when she's out and about, I'm staring at her wack-ass outfits: the twine tied up the outside of her pants, the crazy boots, the hats my god the hats. Why does she do that?

poll by twiigs.com

Fug Madness 2008: Charo, Sweet 16, Continued

(2) BAI LING vs. (3) TARA REID

Oooh, boy. I love you guys. Look what you did! You created a Sweet 16 Clash of the Titans -- a strange, sloppy nutjob whose raison d'etre nobody can quite discern, and a strange, sloppy nutjob whose raison d'etre nobody can quite discern. It's poetic.

Indeed I'm inspired. This can mean only one thing: It's haiku time. Which is a lot like Hammer time, but with better pants.

Left photo: Splash News]

Tragic formalwear.
What's worse: polka-dot bra top
Or refried prom dress?

Two boobs and their boobs.
I want to give them sweaters.
Knit, Intern George, knit!

If that's them dressed up,
I'd hate to see them relaxed.
Wait: I spoke too soon:

[Photos: Splash News]

NEON OVERALLS?
But as a skirt? No, Bai, no!
You don't teach kids art!

So glad Tara's shirt
Explains what she's doing, or
I'd think she's at church.

Sad girl gets no work,
Desperate nutjob has no taste.
Pop quiz: Which is which?

poll by twiigs.com

Fug Madness 2008: Bjork, Sweet 16, Continued

(1) MISCHA BARTON vs. (12) SPENCER & HEIDI

I never predicted that Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag would make it this far, but then I figured out what must be happening: Spencer is paying his friends to vote, because he has never met a printed version of his name that he didn't think looked pretty, and Heidi's family are voting because they hate him  (seriously, they couldn't even really hide it on The Hills -- any time they were gazing silently in his direction, they looked like they wanted to shove Spencer's stupid phone up his nostril and then light it on fire).

So, just to get on Spencer's nerves, I'm not even going to use his picture. TAKE THAT, PRATT.

Instead let's just remind ourselves that Heidi paid a lot of money to turn into a bad mannequin version of her old, spunkier self. Her lips in that premiere episode were hypnotically puffy. Every time she pursed them together I kept expecting them to pierce and deflate. Heidi is also a pretty boring dresser -- it's all sleeveless low-cut dresses that hug her silicone melons. Yawn. We get it. Call Pamela Anderson to see if she's cleaning out her closet any time soon.

Mischa Barton is the opposite. When she's not feigning an interest in Keds, she's all about wearing clothes that droop around her frame and make it look like she's wilting under them:

Yep, the child loooooves a sack dress. This is so depressing. Dorothy Zbornak would wear that with slacks... because Dorothy Zbornak is OLD. Mischa Barton is young! Alive! Has no gut to suck in all night! I'm not saying Mischa has to wear clothes that are practically painted on, or anything, but there IS a rather large middle ground here between becoming Paris Hilton and looking like she's attending an ice-cream social at The Friendship Retirement Castle. Girlfriend, when you're 30, you're going to look at this picture and weep for how you wasted having that waistline.

Also, I've seen this photo a hundred times and never noticed how awful the shoes are until right now. The sweater sequins blinded me. But, wow, my grandmother has Isotoner slippers that are more flattering to her feet. Maybe THIS is what inspired the Keds people into action. They were all, "THIS SAD CHILD NEEDS OUR HELP," but they could only make over her shoe collection because they haven't figured out how to make a full dress out of canvas.

poll by twiigs.com

Fug Madness 2008: Cher, Sweet 16, Continued

(2) SHARON STONE vs. (11) JULIETTE LEWIS

This ought to be interesting. We're of the mind that there are two sorts of fugs. One is the tragical misguided Tara Reid-y kind, where you're just like, "oh, HONEY. NO." And then there's the over-the-top, wackadoo crazy diva kind, where you're more like, "oh, my God. No. AND YET YES."  One could argue that at least one of these women is the latter, and possibly both.

The no-questions-asked diva, of course, is Sharon Stone, who is SO GLORIOUS that I must put her after the jump (you MIGHT be able to see her nipples a bit. Not in a way that your boss will come swanning past your desk and then do a swift, angry U-turn, asking you loudly, "ARE THOSE NIPPLES?" but rather in a way where you think, "are those...oh, Sharon."):

See? Gorgeous genes surrounded by ENDLESS CRAZY: feathers, spats, nips, a skirt that was attacked by a rapid beaver* on the way to the Globes. Apparently, that beaver has a vendetta, as it brutalized her blazer on another occasion, and tried to gnaw out her left ovary on another.  Also, we can't mention this enough.

* a typo we found so amusing, we decided to leave it and may, in fact, adopt it as a nickname for Shazz

As for Juliette Lewis, some of our wise commenters have noted that Juliette gets kind of a pass because she's a wild rocker chick. To which I thought, "but is she REALLY?" Admittedly, I've never seen Juliette rock it out with the Licks, but her band always seemed to me like a kind of drawn-out vanity project that she works on because she's not getting good acting roles. I mean, she was nominated for an Academy Award.  She may certainly legitimately rock it out -- I hope she does, that would kind of awesome -- but I think most people think of her as a sort-of out-of-work actress who noodles around in jumpsuits for kicks. Nice work if you can get it.

HOWEVER. She is NOT performing here, that I can tell:

No matter how you slice it, that be crazy.

polls by twiigs.com...

Fug Madness 2008: Madonna, Sweet 16

Due to daylong technical problems that we've since resolved -- yay! -- the Madonna bracket didn't go up on time, and then briefly appeared with a malfunctioning jump post. To compensate, we'll leave the comments and the voting open through most of Friday. Thanks for your patience! Comments are working on all other brackets again also.

(2) JENNIFER LOPEZ vs. (6) BEYONCE

We love it when divas collide. And NOT FOR THE FIRST TIME:

THAT'S not an awkward photo. For the love of God, I can understand why you might want to ice each other out, but WHY IGNORE BECKS? He's so beautiful. Give that man a little face time. That being said, both of our contestants look lovely -- if affected by RAGING BITCHFACE -- here, if you can ignore the fact that Beyonce's dress seems to have a tail. In fact, as one of our commenters noted earlier in the tournament, both of these woman are actually naturally very beautiful. And yet they chose to wear items just as:

This crazy get-up looks positively bland compared to the wackadoo shenanigans Beyonce's gotten up to in the past, like her Cocktail Waitress/Figure-Skater outfit,  or her OTHER Cocktail Waitress/Figure-Skater outfit, or her formal camo-wear, doesn't it?

Interestingly, at the exact same event, we were treated to:

CRAAAAAY. Also kind of awesome. Kind of like...Beyonce. And, you know....EVERYTHING ELSE SHE'S EVER WORN. EVER. Including her current crazy/awesome spread in People, in which she gambols around her estate with her new babies, looking like any other new mother of twins in a taffeta gown, heels, and elaborate updo. You know. Like you do.

poll by twiigs.com...

Fuggin' Technical Difficulties SOLVED!

WOO! We think things are working normally again. Thursday's Madonna bracket, on which almost no one got to vote due to our jump-post problems, will be up all day Friday -- and we'll leave the other three Thursday polls and comments open longer than usual on Friday to compensate for the problems we were having there also. Here are direct links to Thursday's Charo, Bjork, and Cher brackets if you didn't get a chance to vote.

Friday's games will proceed as normal. Thanks again for all your patience! We will now -- we PRAY -- resume our normal broadcast day.

Fugs Aloud

CHERYL COLE: Can you imagine how ridiculous this outfit might look if I stood up? Hootchie, right? Not that it matters. I'm in a British girl group. By law, one of us has to look hootchie and also wear a misguided hat. Although usually not the same girl. I hate everyone!

NADINE COYLE: Like 99% of Americans have no idea who I am. Maybe a Kit Kat will fix that. What a blessing that we just happened to be eating them while sitting on a sofa we found on the curb in front of a frat house when these photographers popped by!

THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE A DOLL: I look weirdly like a doll.

THE OTHER ONE: I'm just trying to read a book, for god's sake.

SARAH HARDING: They're making me pretend to be Agyness Deyn. It's so embarassing.

CHERYL COLE: I had to crawl into frame of this photo because I can't even walk in these shoes.

NADINE COYLE: My legs are freakishly faux-tanned.

THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE A DOLL: I still look weirdly like a doll.

THE OTHER ONE: The way I'm holding this book makes me look like I'm not wearing a skirt.

SARAH HARDING: Am I wearing a tiered skirt? I think I am. AWKWARD.

Fug Madness 2008: Charo, Sweet 16

(1) CHLOE SEVIGNY vs. (13) PHOEBE PRICE

Charo would probably be very proud of Phoebe Price. Not necessarily the fame-mongering, famous-for-being-fugly-and-that's-really-it part -- I mean, really, call us when YOU get a Geico commercial, Pheebs -- but rather for the part where Ms. Price teases up her hair and dresses like she popped out of a basket full of plastic grass at the Easter Bunny's bachelor party.

[Photo: Splash News]

We suspect Phoebe dreams of discovering that she is Charo's long-lost daughter, much in the way Posh affectionately refers to Joan Collins as her real mother and Blair on Gossip Girl reimagines herself as Audrey Hepburn reborn. Still, we like to think any offspring of Charo's would rather shave her head and wear a muumuu than stand around desperately holding up magazines in which she is featured, trolling Robertson Boulevard day in and day out, and telling the paps to credit her as a "model" -- which I suppose she is here, of lingerie, although it's a job she accepted without it being offered.

Come to think of it, though, Chloe is no stranger to Charo-ism herself. Not only is there this shredded affront to the mighty zebra, but there's this:

Perky! We assume Courtney Peldon later bought this in a "Clothes Off Our Back" auction, benefiting some charity that will be very grateful indeed that someone besides Chloe wants to dress like a Vegas waitress AND has the budget to do so with damn near museum-quality accuracy. Chloe's fugtacular wardrobe was one of this Web site's first moments of head-exploding agony, the kind of thing we'd had percolating within and nowhere to write about it until GFY was born. Yet she's replete with recent moments of insanity, too, like how she wants you to fork over a lot of cash for the right to wear a bunch of stuff Candy Spelling tried to sell on eBay and couldn't. For someone the world wants us to think is an unerring fashion icon -- someone so ahead of her time that we just can't possibly hope to understand until two years from now -- that is shockingly bad form, Sevigny.

poll by twiigs.com

Fug Madness 2008: Bjork, Sweet 16

(3) PARIS HILTON vs. (15) BRITTANY MURPHY

Well, I'm about out of material. We weren't expecting that Brittany Murphy -- one of the last people to crawl into the brackets, to be honest -- would make it this far. In fact, we weren't even picking her to win that Round One clash against Gwen Stefani, who is not tremendously far off from Chloe Sevigny in terms of having her personal style drilled into us as Very Advanced, and in fact Unimpeachable, even when it looks pretty damn impeachable and unpeachy to the naked eye. Gwen versus Paris would've been pretty sweet. As it is, B.Murph and her Lips Of Bad Judgment sit in this slot, and the well of fun fuggery is running dry. This is the best I can do:

Yeah, it's sort of weird -- bad hair extensions, and shoes that prompted Jessica to think, from a very large distance, that Brittany was roller-skating into a fashion show -- and whatever she did to her face is still a problem. But other than this and the other outfits we've showcased, we're out of ideas here. Which isn't to say she can't mount a charge; just that the poor kid apparently should've reconsidered going anywhere at ALL in the month of February, because so far those outings have been keeping her afloat here in the Pacifug Ocean and we're sure she'd rather go moor the S.S. Restylane somewhere else.

For her part, Paris's stank wardrobe has already dispatched with two of her friends and/or favorite props -- Elisha Cuthbert, then Kimberly Stewart -- and I am now wondering why she and Brittany here don't hang out more often. She and Benji could double-date with Brittany and her maybe-former-check-kiting-husband Simon Monjack (which totally sounds like something you would order on top of a hamburger, as if he was trying to come up with an alias in the dairy aisle of the supermarket and a packet of Monterey Jack caught his eye), and talk about all their favorite weaves and mascaras and pieces of bling.

Like this one:

[Photo: Splash News]

Yep, that is the infamous "BM" ring peeking up from her Michael Jackson gloves, and yeah, Benji Madden's parents totally should've thought of how awkward that sounds before they named their kid, and sure, Paris probably needed to consider that angle before she shoved that ring on her finger. But, actually, we're fairly confident Paris has never been too fussed about where she sticks that finger or what gets stuck on it. And we'll grant that it's preferable to a tattoo, which she would almost certainly regret next week and have to change from, say, "PARIS LOVES BENJI MADDEN," to the grammatically astonishing, "PARIS LOVES BE MAD," and nobody wants that. It's just so ridiculous, though -- costumey, attention-seeking, cheap-looking, and lame. Kind of like Paris herself.

And so: Surf Paris's archive, check out old Fug Madness posts on Brittany Murphy, and decide which one you think is the greater crime against humanity -- or at least, against our eyes.

poll by twiigs.com

Fug Madness 2008: Cher, Sweet 16

(5) FERGIE vs. (16) COURTNEY PELDON

 Okay, so it turns out Peldon is a tough competitor. Who knew? We all thought she was sort of a hilarious mascot, but it seems she is also A FIGHTER. Miss Fergie Ferg should put up a good fight, though. I mean, look at her:

It's like if Hermione and Miss America had a baby and forced it to become a stripper. And then forced it to join the Girl Scouts. And then made it a Pink Lady. And then talked it into modeling for Cost Plus's line of accessories. And then made her into a total douchebag. Oh, wait -- sorry, that's Chad Michael Murray. Anyway, it's been a LONG HARD ROAD for Fergs, and many was the night that she was put away wet.

On the other hand, this IS this:

I mean, I don't even need to write anything.

polls by twiigs.com...

Days of our Fugs

I'm sure it's hard working on a soap opera on which you are required to fall in love with your uncle, even though he's more or less your age and not actually a BLOOD-RELATED uncle because your grandparents adopted him. He's still Uncle Max, and that ought to make it really hard for you, as an actress, to understand what your motivation is when you're asked to pass him the stuffing at Thanksgiving.

But that is no reason to lose your mind and forget that it is your on-screen FATHER who has the eye patch, and not you. And even his one working eye could tell that the unflattering pants/childlike-shirt combo has eaten your waist and come back for seconds. No, this won't do at ALL. You've got to brush off the complexities of your day job -- even if that job requires you to tell everyone over and over again, "Well, I mean, he's my ADOPTIVE uncle. It doesn't COUNT" -- and look as fabulous as possible. Or at the very least, run behind the poster and untuck your shirt.

Fughitched

"We've washed the left half of Rashida's dress in regular detergent and the right side in New! Maximum strength! Liquid ultra cloroxyclean! Let's see if she notices a difference."

Fug Madness 2008: Round Two Final Results, Sweet 16 Starts Tomorrow!

We started with a field of 64 celebrities -- or rather, 65 if you count Brown Peldon, and it's more accurately a field of "65 personages of great interest to themselves and, in a few cases, to others."

Either way, over the past few days your mouse-clicks whittled the group down to 16 contenders, most of whom are frighteningly formidable and a few of whom will be summarily booted without so much as a brow furrow. We've got what we pray are some tense-making matchups between stalwarts of fug, seeds both low and high, and a pair of people who have coasted through two rounds on the strength of people deeming them "fugly on the inside." Quite a cast; if we could put them all in a movie together, it would win an Oscar... for cinematography.

If you haven't downloaded the bracket and you'd like to fill it in and see what's in store, here it is (and, yes, I totally published this post the first time without remembering to upload the file... awesome): Download Fug_Madness_2008_bracket.pdf

And now, the reveal of where all that voting has gotten us.

(2) SHARON STONE vs. (11) JULIETTE LEWIS - Friday, March 28

As expected, Sharon put a 77-percent hurt on Scarlett Johansson, and next takes on a renowned nutbar in Juliette Lewis -- who inspired 82 percent of you to vote for her and not for the fug of Keira Knightley.

(5) FERGIE vs. (16) COURTNEY PELDON - Thursday, March 27

Fergie got here by offing Brad Pitt and Rihanna; Peldon may well be the first No. 16 seed to knock off a No. 1 seed in the history of bracketology (let's just pretend that's true, without bothering with stuff like "research"), beating Lindsay Lohan in Round One and then disposing of Paula Abdul in Round Two.

And there's more!

(1) POSH vs. (5) SIENNA MILLER - Friday, March 28

Our favorite High Priestess of Camp, Victoria Beckham, ended Joss Stone's time in the Fug Madness spotlight by garnering the support (fugport?) of 78 percent of you. Sienna ended up more reviled for copying Kate Moss than Kate Moss was for pioneering their shared sloppy style, and scored 74 percent of the vote on her way to this matchup.

(2) JENNIFER LOPEZ vs. (6) BEYONCE - Thursday, March 27

J.Lo has coasted through past Natalie Portman and Lucy Liu, and gets a woman who beat back Kylie Minogue and then upset beautiful bag-lady Helena Bonham Carter to get to the Round of 16. We LOVE it when divas collide.

(1) MISCHA BARTON vs. (12) SPENCER & HEIDI - Friday, March 28

The so-called "Speidi," deemed fug on the inside, booted Eva Green with a surprising 69 percent mandate (and yes, we giggled a little at the number, because SHOCKINGLY, we are not always mature). Next up for them is Mischa, who won 75 percent of the vote against Kevin Federline. Popozao, bitches! Or something.

(3) PARIS HILTON vs. (15) BRITTANY MURPHY - Thursday, March 27

Who knew Brittany Murphy had so much staying power? After toppling Gwen Stefani in Round 1, she beat down Renee Zellweger with 70 percent of the vote and moves into the Sweet 16 to take on Paris Hilton -- who has easily put away her competition, most recently downing Kimberly Stewart with a 72-percent mandate.

(2) BAI LING vs. (3) TARA REID - Friday, March 28

This is one of the only sections of a bracket NOT to include an upset -- the way all brackets are laid out, Nos. 2 and 3 are always intended to meet up in this round because in a perfect world, they're supposed to be capable of beating their lower-seeded competition handily. And so it went: Bai Ling won 91 percent of the vote in defeating Kelly Clarkson and her crocheted jumpsuit, and Daniel Day-Lewis's plaid suit was no match for Tara Reid's aura of fug, which won over 84 percent of you.

(1) CHLOE SEVIGNY vs. (13) PHOEBE PRICE - Thursday, March 27

Chloe blew past Cameron Diaz and Mary-Kate Olsen -- in some senses, a Sevigny, Jr. -- en route to the Sweet 16, where she meets up with a complete press-hungry loon. Phoebe Price kicked Jessica Simpson to the curb in Round One and then blew straight through Alicia Keys in Round Two for the right to take on La Sevigny and her infamous fugitude.

The Emancipation of Fugli

There are some celebrities you spy out on the street and -- despite the fact that you were once pretty sure you were incapable of being all that impressed by another person (who, after all, just puts her pants on one leg at a time) -- you find that, in actuality, you can barely contain your glee at having actually spotted this crazy, famous, or crazy famous individual in the wild. This reaction generally occurs with the likes of Brad and Angie, Karl Lagerfeld, Madonna, or (for some of us) Britney Spears.

And then there are celebrities you spot out and about and you could not care less. See: Kardashian, Kim.

And then there is Mariah Carey:

[Photo: INFDaily.com]

It was not until I laid eyes on this photo that I realized she is SO in the first group for me. SHE IS SPECTACULAR. She is wearing a cropped, gold lame bomber jacket! And a dress a size too small! And fantastic stripper shoes! And SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT! She is a TREMENDOUS DIVA and somehow I have fallen in love with her in the last week and a half. I do not know how that happened, but there you have it.

Amerifug Idol

Allow me to walk you though the experience of watching American Idol in my house last night:

ME: Hang on. What happened to Paula's left sleeve? Did Simon finally get the point where he just couldn't take her nonsensical ramblings anymore and rip it off in a rage?

ME: Hold the phone. Is she wearing pleather elbow-length GLOVES? With assorted bracelets?

ME: REWIND. ARE THOSE GLOVES FINGERLESS? Also, is she doing the Macarena right now?

ME: REWIND THE PHONE AND HOLD ON TO IT. Fingerless pleather elbow-length gloves covered in bracelets and capped off with a cocktail ring? Am I seeing this? I think I am seeing this. Maybe I hit my head at some point today and now I'm hallucinating. That's probably what's going on here. Why can't I hallucinate about Brad Pitt? Is that Kristy Lee Cook singing "God Bless the USA"? WHERE DID MOMMY PUT HER GIN?

Well Played: Thandie Newton

Sigh. I just love a v-neck ruffle. Really, that's not sarcasm -- remember Michelle Williams's yellow Oscar dress the year she was nominated for Brokeback Mountain? I know a lot of people hated it, but it was like MY FAVORITE EVER. Because of the neckline. And the color. But mostly the neckline. Hence, I love this dress on Thandie Newton:

Does it help that she herself is quite gorgeous? Yes. And god knows, this dress is girlie and frilly to the extreme. And yet I love it. And her. And all of you! And life! And SANDWICHES!

Um, sorry about that. It's almost lunchtime. Carry on.

Til Fug

Is it me, or is Joely Fisher wearing some very glamourous pajamas -- complete with bed jacket! -- out in public?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Fuglia

What happened to poor Thalia?

This was her back in 2006.

Then Tommy Mottola knocked her up, she had a baby six months ago, and now she's morphed into this:

The hell? I'm not saying she needs to wander around town in ball gowns all the livelong day. But in just two years she's gone from fresh and adorable to the very image of somebody's daft aunt who is all, "Greetings, Earthlings! I've just returned from a rendezvous with King Blurgh of the Planet Futon, who had much wisdom to share about curing our wicked planet's social ills, as well as loads of helpful insights into the benefits of wearing fireproof clothes! Come, let me probe you, and then sup on my knowledge." Which probably makes for some awesome dinner-table conversation at Maison Mottola, but is a little tricky for the rest of us to digest unless we're on our fifth martini.

Fatal Fugtraction

Glenn Close is great. It pains me to have a beef with her, yet here I am, throwing a 32-ounce porterhouse at her.

I am FINE with women in suits, and indeed unless they're on backwards (hi, Celine Dion!), often think they look chic. But something about this reminds me way too much of every dance I ever went to in college. Throw in a collared shirt and a red tie, and I'm right back in the dorm watching a girl lean back her head, get the ingredients for a red shot poured into her mouth, then sputter and sit up too soon, spilling crimson down the front of her white dress. Glenn deserves something a bit more stylish, or properly tailored, or graceful -- something befitting her talent, rather than the smart-casual wear yanked out of the closet and ironed twice a year by some dude in Dillon Hall who goes by Spoons.

Fug Madness 2008: Madonna, Round Two, Continued

(1) VICTORIA "POSH SPICE" BECKHAM vs. (9) JOSS STONE

These two people are very, very different. One of them is famous for having singing talent, loves wearing loose, floaty clothing, often looks sort of dirty and sticky, and would rather go barefoot and contract any NUMBER of foot fungi than stick a toe in a pair of shoes.

The other is famous for having very little singing talent, loves being squeezed into things that crack her ribs and push the air out of her lungs as much as humanly possible, often looks orange, and -- as witnessed on her fabulous reality special, in which she got pulled over by the cops for speeding while wearing driving flats and quickly changed into stilettos before the police officer asked her to step out of the car -- would rather die than be seen in anything but four-inch heels:

Also, I suspect Posh is a huge basketball fan. Just a hunch.

 

(4) KATE MOSS vs. (5) SIENNA MILLER

This is another one of those clashes we yearn for in real life. The dudes out there probably wish it could be on a rainy day at Glastonbury, which is essentially like mud-wrestling. But we'd rather see these two crappelgangers catfight their way into a lily pond, pulling out each other's hair and shrieking creative insults into each other's ears before gnawing them off in a rage.

See, essentially, everyone's been accusing Sienna of biting Kate's style. You be the judge:

What are those haters thinking? Clearly Sienna is copying Peter Pan.

But assuming she's trying to be a mini-Moss, almost down to the thigh muscle, it becomes a question of whether it's worse to be Sienna -- who is aping this ragtag aesthetic -- or to be Kate, who not only insists she came up with the whole terrible idea first but clings to it as her trademark. In more existential terms, if a tree falls in the forest and only Kate Moss is there to hear it, will Sienna show up in a week claiming the sound of the tree's pain is forcing her to crawl down the neck of a whiskey bottle with Rhys Ifans? Would we even HAVE a Sienna if there was no Kate? And whom do we blame MORE for all of that?

all polls by twiigs.com

Fug Madness 2008: Charo, Round Two, Continued

(2) BAI LING vs. (7) KELLY CLARKSON

Ah, yes. Some would call this the battle of the unquestionably talented (K. Cla) versus the questionably talented (you know who). But doesn't the indomitable spirit that Bai Ling puts into her outfits count as a talent? We like to think so. It takes skill to accessorize a two-piece dress with William H. Macy. It takes moxie to go out in the snow practically naked. It takes balls to go out in a homemade crop-top with your own face on it.  All that, AND she can dance.

She can not, as far as we know, sing, unlike her rival here:

Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly. KELLY KELLY KELLY KELLY KELLY KELLY KELLY. We love you. No -- we LOVE YOU. We voted our fingers off for you on AI. We car-danced our butts off to you thanks to "Since You Been Gone." We perma-saved From Justin to Kelly on our TiVos. We think you are perfect just as you are. Except we wish you'd stop wearing stuff like this.

polls by twiigs.com...

(3) TARA REID vs. (11) DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

So these two would be a good match, right?

No? Are you sure? The star of Taradise! and one of our generations most gifted, well-spoken, intellectual and thoughtful actors? Not going to work? Why don't you believe in love for a second? I'm sure he'd love her in this, and she'd adore him wearing this...AGAIN. They're meant to be!

polls by twiigs.com...

Fug Madness 2008: Bjork, Round Two, Continued

(1) MISCHA BARTON vs. (9) KEVIN FEDERLINE

Call us crazy, but it almost seems like the two of these could potentially start dating. Can't you just see it? 2008 K-Fed feels like exactly the kind of quasi-rocker that  Misha would go for. Though whether or not he'd be into Princess Floaty Tunic here is hard to say:

Oh, Mischa. That would be so cute for your high school drama club's production of A Midsummer Night's Dream, but in the outside world, it just seems likely to get caught in your car door and cut off the circulation to your neck, kind of like what this seems to have done to your ribs. On the other hand, at least you're not wearing THIS anymore. Or dating him, btw. In fact, one could argue this fine man is a total upgrade from Old Firecrotch-Hater Davis (who, we must remind you, sat next to one of us at the movies once and smelled so bad we had to breathe through our mouth. Also, he kept lifting up his hoodie to grab and inspect his belly fat. Also, he consumed: a bag of popcorn, a bag of chips, a bag of Skittles, a carton of Dibs, a Coke, a Slurpee and a lemonade. We just need to continue to tell people that story, that's all):

We once deeply hated K-Fed. But while he certainly has problems -- like pulling this sort of thing  or  insisting going out in very poorly fitting pants while poor Britney just wanted to look cute -- at least he brought us all the delight of Popozao, right? RIGHT?

polls by twiigs.com...

(12) SPEIDI vs. (13) EVA GREEN

Judging from the comments on the last round, there are many, many people who Blame Spencer for any number of things, to the point where we might be making a shirt declaring such a thing. Can we blame him for Heidi's new lips and new faker hair, as seen here?

Also, have you ever seen two such fake laughs in your life? Maybe at this classy Taco Bell-related charity event, at which gaiety was totally appropriate. And yet I can't stop watching The Hills and as much as I want Spencer to have his COMEUPPANCE, I am pretty sure the show would be much more boring without him and his machinations.

However, maybe if he has to leave the show so that Heidi can become "a feminist hero" (the New York Times said so; it must be true) Eva Green can sweep in and start bossing Lauren around:

You know she and her Zombie Eye-Makeup of Doom could kick some satisfying ass (speaking of heroes). Also, maybe she could finally teach LC a thing or two about high fashion. CRAZY high fashion.

polls by twiigs.com...

Fug Madness 2008: Cher, Round Two, Continued

(3) KEIRA KNIGHTLEY vs. (11) JULIETTE LEWIS

You guys, Juliette is REALLY EXCITED to have made it this far.

Give her an H (for the hideous headband)! Give her a B (for the blue bag she's wearing)! Give her a T (for thinking to wear tights with that). What does that spell? HBT! Which, when you try and pronounce it, sounds as fugly as her outfit. But I don't know why she always has to look so cranky. The clothes didn't force themselves on her. She might want to start considering that as an excuse, though -- it's about all that justifies some of her rocker costumes.

Actually, she'd probably love borrowing this little number from Keira for one of her performances:

That is a mess, right there. It's like she went to a wedding shower where they made toilet-paper wedding gowns, then bolted in a huff when they ran out of Angel Soft. Or maybe someone told her she'd be standing behind a very tall hedge at this party, so she only bothered with one-fifth of an outfit. Indeed, she seems rather fixated on using small portions of fabric, like she's some kind of cloth conservationist, although to be honest she doesn't always do very well with loads of layers either, nor with lots of fussy bits and pieces.

Basically, the crime here is that she's Keira f'ing Knightley, and she should be able to do SO MUCH BETTER, if she would just even ACT like she gives a rat's ass. But can her brand of big fame yet questionable taste stave off the challenge of Juliette's lesser-known face but potent fugosity?

 

(2) SHARON STONE vs. (7) SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Have you ever wondered what Sharon Stone would look like if she put herself in a Golden Girls spinoff as Blanche Deveraux's cousin in Savannah? Well, wonder no more, friends.

I'm not sure what's going on with her hair, but I am fairly certain it was dropped onto her head from a great height. Why she's in her geriatric finest, I can't say, but it's possible just needed a break from looking like she'd recently been disemboweled, and the many portions of her wardrobe filed under "petting zoo" were all either at the dry cleaner or the vet. 

Sharon is up against someone who I greatly hope will grow up into an insane diva much like La Stone herself. Why? Well, I fear the Art of Divadom is a dying one -- it's not just about asking for gardenias in your toilet bowl, or to have your name spelled out in green M&Ms on the floor of every dressing room you inhabit; rather, you have to be a rare cocktail of screamingly grandiose, perfectly glamorous, admirably philanthropic, and hopelessly prone to spouting lots and lots and LOTS of crazy talk.

ScarJo is certainly on her way. She's got the terrible grandiosity thing nailed down, at least.

And, it was SHEER crazy talk when she first turned to her assistant and said, "Dude, this looks awesome!" As much as I cherish those shoes, I cannot endorse any kind of outfit that taints them by practically screaming, "Oh yeah? Well look who they've got their Hanes on NOW!" I mean, formal shorts and a tank top underneath a halter that Wet Seal would put on clearance for under $5? No, Scarlett. NO. Step away.

But is it enough to dethrone Ms. Stone?

polls by twiigs.com

Fug Madness 2008: Round Two Is Half-Done

The Sweet 16 starts on Thursday, and we have half the field in place, with a one-, two-, three-, and five-seed in action against formidable opponents -- all of whom have achieved some impressive upsets on the road to the next round.

After the jump, you may commence salivating at the prospect of Chloe Sevigny doing battle with one of the toughest, most scantily clad ladies in the field. Both will enter, only one will leave...

(5) FERGIE vs. (16) COURTNEY PELDON

Man, this Peldon kid is scrappy. She essentially voted off Paula Abdul -- after telling her she sounded pitchy but connected with the audience like a pegasus on a train -- with 64 percent of the vote. Now she's up against Princess Urinator, who metaphorically emptied her bladder all over Rihanna by 78 percent to 21 percent.

(2) JENNIFER LOPEZ vs. (6) BEYONCE

Where's your cashmere mafia NOW, Liu? Jenny From The Block enticed 83 percent of you to vote her though, thoroughly kicking Lucy to the curb. For her part, Beyonce has to be proud of unseating a woman who practically wears blankets as trousers; she knocked off the higher-seeded Helena Bonham Carter with 54 percent of the vote.

(3) PARIS HILTON vs. (15) BRITTANY MURPHY

Who knew Brittany Murphy had so much staying power? After toppling Gwen Stefani in Round 1, she beat down Renee Zellweger with 70 percent of the vote and moves into the Sweet 16 to take on Paris Hilton -- who has easily put away her competition, most recently downing Kimberly Stewart with a 72-percent mandate.

(1) CHLOE SEVIGNY vs. (13) PHOEBE PRICE

You wanted it, and now you're going to get it: Phoebe Price, professional girl-about-town, outfugged Alicia Keys by 81 percent to 18 percent, which means she next faces The Sev. Mary-Kate Olsen was no match for Chloe's powers, wooing a mere 26 percent of you in a losing effort.

Erin Fugson

I know she's a model and all, and models can often get away with stuff those of us shorter, less genetically blessed civilians can not.

And yet:

No.

Run, Fugboy, Run

[Photos: Splash News]

THANDIE: WHAT did I say? What do I ALWAYS say?

SCHWIMMER: ... I don't know. Never do a guest-stint on ER?

THANDIE: No. You know very well what it was, but I want to hear it from you. What did I SPECIFICALLY tell you?

SCHWIM: Oh, fine, whatever. You told me to wash up and shave, and stop wearing my scarf like this with my shirt open and a giant coat, because it looks like I'm maybe naked, and blah blah blah.

THANDIE: You're damn RIGHT that's what I said. Look at yourself! You look like you've been on a bender since 2006.

SCHWIM: But why should I listen to you? If that type of lacy shorts thing didn't work on Rihanna then it definitely wasn't ever going to work on you. You're old enough to play her MOTHER, for God's sake.

THANDIE: What?!? Only on a soap where they rapidly age kids 15 years in two episodes, so WATCH IT, Ross. I was only trying to help you look less smelly. But if you imply I look anything less than fabulous at 35, I will drag you out of this dive bar and SO HELP ME JESUS I will beat some sense into you with a Norelco and some Pantene.

SCHWIM: Fine, fine. I'm sorry. Let's make a pact. You check with me before you consider taking fashion tips from a book of funeral parlor wallpaper samples, and I'll... you know, bathe, and stuff.

THANDIE: And the scarf with the open shirt?

SCHWIM: I'll cool it, I promise. Is it really that bad?

THANDIE: Is mine?

SCHWIM: YES.

THANDIE: YES.

SCHWIM: Okay, then.

THANDIE: Now go get us a pitcher. And MAKE IT A PRICEY ONE.

Fug Madness 2008: Madonna, Round Two

(2) JENNIFER LOPEZ vs. (10) LUCY LIU

We realize that Lucy Liu is not to be held directly accountable for anything Pat Field threw at her on Cashmere Mafia, and in fact, one of the reasons we watch that show -- although we can't think what the others are, off the top of our heads -- is that Liu seems to be enjoying herself immensely in that wackadoo clothing (after all, when else will experience doing cardio in a fur hoodie?).

But Lucy does get to make her own decisions sometimes, and her personal tastes seem to run all over the place as well.

Behold, the rare and exotic Silver Taffetaback, almost never spied out in the wild. Do not attempt to pet it, or a venom-crusted stiletto will be inserted rather rudely into your navel. Lucy also recently chose to wear a distracting array of bows on her stomach, and, of course, there's the time she wore a cape that resembles the bastard offspring of an overexcited cotton-candy machine and a collapsible paper lantern. Good GOD, woman. Stop it. And yet, don't.

But can she compete with this magnificent creature?

A chain-mail body-poncho over a tube top and pants? Most of us would call this "vampire bridesmaid," but to our girl J.Lo this has "Starbucks run" written all over it. Nobody has been pregnant more marvelously than she, and we have an entire archive to prove it. Plus bonus bell-bottoms, a satin drawstring bag, and of course an incredibly tasteful, gentle tee. Drink in the glory.

 

(3) HELENA BONHAM CARTER vs. (6) BEYONCE

The case against Helena Bonham Carter's ragtag fashion sense doesn't need a bevy of photographs in order to hold water, but just for kicks, let's feast upon one more.

[Photo: Splash News]

She's SUCH a stunning woman, but when was the last time anyone could notice that? I'm pretty sure a family of birds was tragically displaced from its home when she undid her hair after this event. Helena's busied herself in the last few years as a dirty and dirt-poor mother in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, a deranged bloodthirsty Death Eater in Harry Potter Et Al, and the customer-mincing piemaker in Sweeney Todd. And frankly, it shows. Could somebody please cast her as somebody devastatingly attractive and sophisticated, or who at least owns a hairbrush? Perhaps Pat Field needs to take an interest and apply to Helena some of the sleeky deranged sartorial logic she's used to such great effect on other people. Say what you will about blue fur vests, but at least the Pat's characters appear groomed. Helena just looks doomed.

Come to think of it, the often overstyled Beyonce could stand to spend some time under Pat Field's thumb -- or really, even Helena's. Anything to get her away from her mother's claws of crazy.

[Photo: Splash News]

Look real close up there: I think I can see her control-top. And it's not the first time. The next time someone spies Tina Knowles charging toward her daughter, mouth foaming and hands clenched as she figures out how to rip the slit so high it's practically waist-level, please hit her with a tranq dart. Oh, and Beyonce? Yeah, we can still see you.

all polls by twiigs.com

Fug Madness 2008: Charo, Round Two

(1) CHLOE SEVIGNY vs. (9) MARY-KATE OLSEN

This ought to get interesting. T