March 03, 2008
The Fuglie and the Nottie
You will never guess what I've got now. Check. It. OUT.
Doesn't he freaking ROCK? You know how much I've been wanting a baby ever since Nicole got one, but then I realized EVERYONE in this town has babies. It's so ordinary now. But how many celebrities in this town have their very own Wise Old Dude? RIGHT? JACKPOT!!!!! He answered an ad I put on Craigslist looking for a monk, but I'm not sure if he really is, because when I asked him to sing that "I'm A Believer" song as proof he just closed his eyes and cried. He's so SENSITIVE. And colorful! It's awesome, but I'm totally going to give him a makeover next week. He needs some aviator sunglasses and a trucker hat, I think, because you're no one in this town unless you look like an asshole, and they'll never let him into Hyde without them.
He's already making me smarter, too. We went to this store that's an ENTIRE room full of BOOKS. It's like this whole side of L.A. I didn't know existed! It's SORT of weird that he doesn't seem to want to sleep with me -- not that I really want to sleep with him, but, like, it's the principle of the thing, and I am NOTHING if not principled (what UP, prison thesaurus!), so I put on my best nude fishnets and virginal dress and everything -- but then he started saying something about abstinence, and I could always use better abs, so I'm gonna hold off and just see where he's going with that. Plus, when I kept playing with my split ends during my meditation lesson, he totally broke down and gave me some tips on deep conditioning. Suck on THAT, Nicole! I'd like to see your baby discuss hair products! WHO'S WINNING NOW??!?
Ohmmmmm (or something; I don't know, I don't speak Latin),