April 29, 2008
Fug or Fab: This Week(Ish) In Gwyneth
Gird your loins -- with Iron Man hitting theaters this weekend, we're going to continue seeing a lot of Gwyneth Paltrow.
And I do mean a lot. Gwynnie must've gone on a Gam Rediscovery Retreat recently, because she's been skipping all around town in the kind of short skirts we're more used to seeing ride up around the pantyless pelvises of Young Hollywood as they slide out of cars.
Not that it's all a complaint. The girl's got great legs. It's just that I'm not always sure about the stuff she's using to show them off to us.
It's short, but more distracting is all the lattice work. Like, is there a nude slip under there, or is she just feeling naked and racy today? Am I bewitched by an optical illusion, or is it cutting her chest weirdly around her armpits and making her look unnaturally bulgey in places where, in reality, she almost certainly has no bulge? Doesn't that Bermuda Triangle of fabric on her groin make it look like she's wearing a black cloth diaper? And is there a weird face staring at me from her boobular region? And In concept I wanted to love this, but in life, it's like wearing a Rorschach ink blot. I feel like people were coming up to her all night and saying, "Ooh, it's death! The Angel of Death!" or "I see a Rolls Royce!" or "Is that a DOG that looks like Princess Leia?"
Maybe Gwynnie just really likes people staring at her in bewilderment, as I did yet again when I saw this dress from earlier:
[Photo: Splash News]
I don't want to know whose face that really is. It's way more fun to make random and hopelessly inaccurate guesses. For instance, I've decided it looks like an artist used a Lite Brite to draw a portrait of Sandra Bullock.
But arguably the most talked-about photo of La Paltrow has been a variation on this one, in which it appears you can see her Private Benjamins. That photo, I'm not entirely sure was devoid of Photoshop's mischievous caress, but it's undeniable that girlfriend is leaving things somewhat to chance:
[Photo: Splash News]
The thing is, I almost love this. She looks 90 feet tall, the tuxedo jacket is cute, and her hair and makeup work (now that she's lopped off those extra mangy inches of hair, doesn't she look SO much more like her mom Blythe Danner?). But the minidress itself is so... well, mini. Apart from my usual musings on how the hell she sits down in that thing without disinfecting the chair first, I feel like she could've gone a fraction lower with the hemline and still been sexy; this high, and I'm wondering if she's going to strap on ice skates later and perform an interpretive ode to the mighty speculum.