May 23, 2008
Cannes Fug-or-Fab Carpet: Natalie Portman
Much as Gwyneth got roughly to third base with her obsession with microminis, Natalie Portman has been doing heavy flirting with ruffles this year at Cannes. And I'm doing a lot of waffling on whether I think they're pretty and flirty, or kind of crazy. Don't get me wrong, I love waffles. Just not mind waffles. So you, dear readers, need to put on your special baby-soft clicking glove of judgment and prepare to be the jury.
Exhibit A for the prosecution:
The defense argues that this is quite pretty and elegant on her, and is an amazing color. But the prosecution wants you to know that the ruffle flipping up around her chest could have been a valance in another life. Or in this one, until twenty minutes before Natalie left her hotel.
The prosecution whispers furiously with each other -- one of them was heard to say, "You're telling me you wouldn't try that on if you had her figure? PLEASE" -- and then feebly suggests that a strong breeze would expose Natalie's portman to the world. The defense raucously chest-bumps each other and stars singing "Livin' On A Prayer."
The prosecutors are momentarily at a loss for words, because this is another really lovely color, but they're about to recover long enough to note that this is the sort of thing -- and, indeed, the red number as well -- would ONLY look good on someone as tiny as Natalie Portman. Anyone with an inch to pinch and real-woman hips would look like a very cold Christmas tree. Meanwhile, the defense is making margaritas and toasting the fact that, really, who cares how it would look on a normal person if Natalie looks cute in it? The prosecution responded by passing them a note that said, "STOP LAUGHING AT US. It's sort of old-looking! Right? What if she's giving someone bad ideas? Also, can you pour us one on the rocks with salt?"
And finally, Exhibit D:
The defense stops licking salt off each others' necks long enough to wonder if five shots have caused some hallucinations. Gleefully, the prosecution screams that this could be considered the conceptual origami version of Bjork's infamous swan dress, and wants to know if it was created at a wedding shower with nothing but Angel Soft and some high-quality printer paper. When the defense warbles that it's still sort of dramatically effective and that it makes the notoriously short Portman look tall, the prosecution snorts, "Great, can you diagram the physics of that, please, and then FAX IT TO US ON PART OF HER DRESS?" The defense screams, "Fax THIS, desk monkey," and chucks a martini shaker at the prosecution's head.