May 21, 2008
One Fug Hill: THE NEXT RETURN PART II
And so another season of One Tree Hill comes to an end. I can barely see through my tears. You think I jest, but I actually mean it. Well, I'm not really CRYING, but this was a seriously satisfying season -- full of: near-drownings; kidnappings; people being left at the altar; people finding out they need a heart transplant and then proceeding to stalk the comatose body of the person ahead of them on the transplant list and also purchasing for themselves a giant headstone (complete with headshot!) proclaiming them to be a great husband, father and brother when in fact they were none of those things and then also arranging to have themselves buried next to very grave of the brother they murdered -- a grave they also accidentally set on fire that one time; shirtless bartenders beating up junkies; and people who were just paralyzed because they were lazy. And, of course, a rich and varied history of REALLY BAD DUDE HAIR. What am I supposed to do all summer without copious infusions of man bangs?
At least the finale took that history of crappy man 'dos and BROUGHT IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL.
For one thing, we opened with this:
Okay, so no one is even looking at his hair. But CMM drinking shirtless next to a dog that has its own drink is simply too awesome to ignore. And apparently once you go drinking with a Labrador retriever, you might wake up with this:
Wait, let's take another look at that:
That's right. And it's AWESOME. Thank you, One Tree Hill writers, for giving CMM a mohawk. Damn, it feels like MY BIRTHDAY. It's almost as though you crazy kids got together and brainstormed what else you could possibly do to his head, after all the years of the straw and the wind tunnel and the porn 'stache. And the only thing left was a mohawk. And for that, I thank you. May I suggest that he open next season with long, Bo-Derekian cornrows? Think of how awesome they'll look flying around when he's chewing the scenery!
And while it's tough to top a mohawk, then we have Dan, the heart-transplant-needing convicted murderer who spent most of the finale considering murdering a man of God in order to steal his organs, and who was last seen with heeeedious Pete Wentz-ian emo man-bangs. This new look is....not an improvement:
But Dan paid for his newly square head. And he paid for it IN BLOOD:
How's your hair now, dude? NOW THAT YOU'VE BEEN RUN OVER BY A CAR? Tree Hill, by the way, is one of the vehicular incident capitals of the world: Dan just got run over (right as a new heart became available, of course), Rick Fox ran over Haley a few years ago (to punish her husband for not fixing a basketball game, obviously, and therefore causing CMM to have a heart attack and go into a coma. AGAIN), and then of course three years ago one of the tertiary characters hijacked a wedding limo with his on-again, off-again underage cheerleader girlfriend and accidentally drove it off a bridge into a river, where Nathan and the ghost of his murdered Uncle Keith had to fish them out of the drink. Stay off the streets of Tree Hill!
AND AWAY FROM THE HAIR SALONS. Damn.