March 03, 2008
Outta My Fug
ASHLEE SIMPSON: Pete?
PETE WENTZ: What up, baby?
ASHLEE: Do you think we look too matchy-matchy tonight?
PETE: What are you talking about? I think we look fierce, both individually and collectively.
ASHLEE: Sure, but....you know, we're promoting my new album. Shouldn't I stand out more?
PETE: I'm not sure I understand you.
ASHLEE: I mean, don't we want people to pay attention to ME tonight? Not US?
PETE: But I thought YOU were US. I am YOU. You are ME. WE are WE. And I told you, you didn't have to wear the hoodie.
ASHLEE: That was just so we could better show off our matching bangs.
PETE: And? AWESOME.
ASHLEE: I guess.
PETE: Ash, I just want you to be happy. And what says "conjugal happiness and sensitive yet catchy emo/punk rock" like matching outfits?
ASHLEE: Fair enough.
PETE: PS -- am I accidentally sitting next to Bobby Trendy?
January 17, 2008
Well Played: Ashlee Simpson?
Just the other day, I was wondering what Ashlee Simpson was up to. Not in a, "Do you think she's brushing her teeth? Ooh, maybe she's flossing!" kind of way. I am not a stalker. And if I were, I don't think I'd pick Ashlee Simpson as my stalkee. I would be more likely to stalk, like... I don't know. Ian Ziering, maybe. You know, for one thing, he'd probably appreciate the attention. Plus everyone loves Steve Sanders. Win-Win!
Anyway, it appears that she was actually off dying her hair and buying one of those big-ass clutches that I've decided I want (it fits a lot of stuff, AND it's easy to smack people with):
I don't know, you guys! I think she's kind of working it. But I also suffered a head injury this morning when a box containing a pair of wooden heel boots fell off the top shelf of my closet and onto my head. Does she actually look sort of cute - in that prim way that I dig -- or is it just the giant hematoma talking?
September 21, 2007
If You Fug My Autobiography
This isn't exactly a proper fug, as I don't really have an issue with Ashlee Simpson's outfit here. Sure, it's kind of quasi-Goth, especially with her slinky slumpy posture and copious eyeliner, but I own like 32 different black shirts, so I feel her need for monochromatics.
And while she's seemed to have made a habit of brushing her hair only sporadically -- perhaps in an attempt to look as Mary-Kate-ish as possible -- at least she's kind of committed to that whole I Just Rolled Out of Bed look. The thing I'd like to draw your attention to, dear reader, is that our little Ashlee managed to pose in front of a sign for Hornitos without bursting into 5th grade giggles. I suspect Jessica may not have been able to hold out. (Jessica Simpson, that is. Not me. I did not make a "I'm feeling hornitos" joke and then delete it, no sir.)
September 10, 2007
Fugployee of the Month
Seriously, J Simp is such a tragic figure right now:
What is her deal? It's beginning to feel like this creature we've been seeing lately is not the real Jessica Simpson, but will actually soon be revealed to be the Jessica SIMson, a simulation of the real J Simp, available for purchase at the low, low price of $199.99 on QVC as they branch out into the lucrative but as yet untapped world of sex dolls. And, look, dude, we're not saying that there aren't some evenings when you finish your steak frites and wonder what to wear to XYZ Event and think, "tonight, I fully want to resemble a Real Doll," but for real, you can't do that EVERY NIGHT or people will begin to cast aspersions.
August 17, 2007
There is something so refreshing about rediscovering my feelings for Jessica Simpson, like a dip in the pool after a hot, sticky day. My distaste for her is a constant, like the tides, and unless she saves my dog from a hostage situation (for example), I suspect it will never leave me. And even then, I think my reaction to her might be, "I know she saved my dog from a hostage situation, but DAMN. Does she EVER close her mouth?"
To wit, her new ads for whatever the heck it is she's selling/promoting/designing/making in her basement while listening to a tragic mix of John Mayer and Nick Lachey tunes she's titled "Why Can't I Keep A Man? OHGODWHYGODWHY?":
J Simp is a pretty girl, okay -- although I think she's better suited to her old blonde hair -- but holy hell, did no one notice that she's got the exact same expression on her face in every one of these photos? She looks like she's trying to do long division in her head.
August 15, 2007
Okay, Ashlee. It's great that you're in love -- seriously, we're all very happy for you, given what a muscular streak of misery your sister usually turns into when she's not in the tabloids hiding behind her hair while a dude pulls her around by the hand. So, be happy.
But why does love have to equal Repetitive Headgear Syndrome?
[Photo: Splash News]
We respect that, since Pete Wentz stopped so graciously telling the press that you two would only be a great love story in another lifetime and started allowing himself to be photographed wrapped all around your waist, you might be content taking a backseat for a while during his band's tour. But I feel like 7 times out of 10 that I've seen you two together lately -- usually in the pages of one of the gossip rags that winks up at me from my doorstep every week -- you have your noggin stuffed inside a fedora. (The other three times, your head is free as a bird but your hair clearly hasn't been brushed in 72 hours -- although I'm pleased to see you have at least taken a comb to it in recent memory here -- and 10 times out of 10, you are hiding half of your face somewhere in the vicinity of Pete's right ear.)
What gives, Simpson the Younger? Does Pete yank out your hair in the heat of passion? Do you just bump your head a lot? Did Ken Paves screw up your weave? If it's that last one, there ARE other hairdressers. Just because he is your sister's only friend doesn't mean you have to pay him to make your hair look so limp that you hide under a hat all the time. Free yourself.
July 18, 2007
Fug the Cover: Jessica Simpson
And she's back! After a brief hiatus while she was dating John Mayer and simultaneously was accosted with my favorite headline ever, namely, "IT'S NOT A FAT SUIT," my nemesis Jessica Simpson is BACK. (I like to have a nemesis at all times. For a while it was a woman I worked with [NOT HEATHER] who used to correct my grammar all the time, except she'd change it so that it was WRONG. Another time it was my landlord, who charged me for DEPRECIATION ON THE WASHING MACHINE. That ass. And then, of course, there was Paul Giamatti. HE KNOWS WHAT HE DID.) But Jessica Simpson is my favorite nemesis, because she's always doing totally dumb stuff. Sure, I suppose it's exciting to have a brilliant, Lord Voldemort-y nemesis, because it challenges you and all that, but I'm lazy. It's so much easier to have a nemesis who's likely to hoist herself on her own petard. In fact, I suspect her petard is exactly what Jessica is hoisting in the cover shot below:
Why else would she have her arm all stuck up in the air like that, in what might be the most AWKWARD-looking cover I have EVER SEEN? The good people at Glossed Over (also not fans of this cover) swears that J Simp is holding a bundle of balloons, and I'm sure that's true. What's also true is that they appear to be about ready to rip her arm right out of its socket. It doesn't even look like HER arm. Hell, it barely looks like AN arm. She looks like she just happened to wander in front of a narrow, flesh-colored pillar. (There's a dirty, easy joke in there, isn't there? I'll give you a moment to make it to yourself.) She also sort of looks like she's got fangs, a development I never noticed before. With the new darker hair and the new sharper teeth, is she a vampire now? And shouldn't that information be on the cover? Hell, I'd totally buy a magazine that promised "A Look Inside Jessica's Dark New Blood-Sucking World."
May 22, 2007
Fug the Way Down
Remember Ryan Cabrera? He dated Ashlee Simpson for a while? Mostly while her TV show (what the heck what that show called? The Ashlee Simpson Show? Ashlee!? The Ashlee Simpson Hour of Power? You'd think I'd remember, as I used to watch it religiously thanks to the fact that I had bad taste) was on the air. You know, this guy:
He sang that song "On the Way Down," which until about three minutes ago I thought was called "All the Way Down," and which is apparently...not about what I thought it was about. Anyway, it was kind of a catchy tune, although the kid is no Tyler Hilton, let me tell you, and despite having a penchant for making wacky faces for the camera and SERIOUSLY WORKED OVER HAIR, he didn't seem like a bad kid:
Wow. I mean...wow. That hair look some WORK. There is a LOT of product in there, and I'd be interested to know how many CHI ceramic flat irons lost their lives in the heroic struggle to get it to stand up like that. Anyhoozy, you'll be interested to know that Mr Cabrera has -- perhaps due to an incident in which his mother and manager staged an intervention along with Ryan's close personal friends from Robinson Beautilities -- abandoned this labor-intensive look for something more....natural:
Maybe not so much. I'm glad the ozone layer over Ryan's house is no longer depleting at an alarming rate, but now I'm concerned that he might have trouble getting as many dates as he used to, as this new 'do plus the scoop neck tee (boys: please don't. Maybe if you're French. Otherwise, don't) makes him look kinda like a guy who warms up the audience from 10am to noon Tuesdays at the Comedy Store and is sort of pissed about it. And while I can actually see his hairline, this hat plonked on top of his cascading curls sort of screams OMG GUYS THE ROGAINE ISN'T WORKING.
On the other hand, Ashlee's new boyfriend has been looking kind of sharp lately:
Something else for Jessica to get annoyed about.
May 21, 2007
Major Fug Star
Poor, poor, poor Jessica Simpson. Seriously. She went from being America's ditzy sweetheart to having her picture on the cover of Star with the headline, "JESSICA SIMPSON: IT'S NOT A FAT SUIT" splashed across it. That's rough, dude. And then she and John Mayer broke up (again) (maybe he LIKES fat suits?) and then allegedly she and Ashlee had a fight about how Ashlee is hot or something now? (I don't remember what they're fighting about, but supposedly they're feuding.) And while her ex is rolling around the Bahamas with his girlfriend, she's at Cannes having fully completed her transformation into Depressive Dead Eyed Wax Figure:
This is usually the place where I say something like, "she's a beautiful girl, but why does she look so monochromatic?" But actually, I suspect that I know why she's so monochromatic: she's in the middle of going from brown hair back to blonde, which is why she currently looks beige all over. (Though that doesn't excuse how lank her extensions look. Has she also broken up with Ken Paves? The loss of a girl's gay OR her hairdresser can be more traumatic than losing her boyfriend, so in the interest of preventing J Simp from having a Britney-style melt-down, I sincerely hope she has not lost the both in one) So instead I will ask why she's dressing like a 50 year old extra from that episode of Dynasty where they go to the Carousel Ball and hang out with Gerald Ford. Her jewels are beautiful, of course, but overall, she looks like the human version of a Judith Leiber bag.
Listen, girl, there's no lost love between us, but you're REALLY YOUNG still. And single. And in France. And I know you're probably sad that you're in France with your weird Dad and not some cute boy, but you've got to man up and work it right now. Star magazine insinuated that you were so fat that you might be COVERED IN LATEX (which is patently absurd, albeit hilarious). So DO NOT leave the house dressed like a handbag. Just don't.
May 08, 2007
Met Costume Institute Ball Fug: Jessica Simpson
I so wish I had been a fly buzzing around Anna Wintour's champagne flute when she first spotted Jessica Simpson at the Met's Costume Institute Ball Gala hoo-ha last night. Because, honey, it seems that while our backs were turned, J. Simp went a little overboard. On everything:
This is one of those dresses that someone with small boobs could fully rock, and I like the brown hair, but overall the effect kind of veers into Blow-Up Doll category, which is really both rather grim and also not entirely unexpected when you consider the source. But when you're carrying around that kind of (real and admittedly spectacular) rack, you can't just strap 'em in and bounce off like that, especially to a formal event. What if the right one makes a run for the border, in front of everyone? What if the Power of the Cleav mesmerizes the cater waiter and he walks into a pole, dropping caviar everyone and giving himself a black eye, therefore totally RUINING his upcoming audition for All My Children? What if the left one is done permanent damage by the pressure of being wedged in like that and never lies down properly in a bikini top again? What if one of them pops out and hits Anna Wintour right in the bob? A girl could NEVER live that down. Hasn't Jess been through enough already?
However, I've got to give John Mayer props for working a Johnny Depp-type thing:
I wonder if Kate Moss made a play for him over the crudite. Can you imagine the tabloid headlines? Can you imagine the catfight? I've got five bucks on Jess. She is NOT going though another messy public break-up if she can help it, and if that requires hair-pulling, I think she's got the chops.