Fug Ling

How can you not fall in love with this?

I know. It's crazy. It's complicated. It's custom-made. It's the costume from the show-stopping closer to Act One of Kiss of the Spiderwoman II: This Time, It's Way Less Metaphorical! It might also be shorts.

And it appears Bai is wearing her Message Band-Aids again. Let's take a closer look at them, shall we?

"The Hit Song" and "China Girl." Is...Bai Ling recording an album? Or is this just a shout-out to David Bowie? Oddly, I can't decide which would please me more.

Bai Fug

Flush with the glow of her Fug Madness win, our girl Bai Ling has remained wonderfully unafraid to leave the house. Incidentally, she did actually mention her victory on her delicious blog, although for some reason that entry feels to me like someone else wrote it -- no matter how much we riff on her many personalities, in my heart of hearts I can't believe loony, gentle Bai would seriously call us Earth people "stupid," even if she is simultaneously excited to be a champion of something.

Anyway, back to Bai. When I first saw this photo last week, I feared she'd gone all demure on us in the wake of being declared The Fugliest Of Them All.

It's just so very SERIOUS, like she's decided to quit acting so she can attend Austria's prestigious Milkmaid School, where you don't get to show cleavage until you are fully certified.

But I should've known that Bai Ling, especially in this recent L.A. heat, would not stay serious and amply clothed for too long.

[Photo: Splash News]

That's more like it! I feel like Bai isn't truly being Bai unless she's running the risk of some seriously inconvenient tan lines. Which isn't to say that ONE of her personalities isn't enrolled in a course teaching her how to make her own lederhosen out of cow hair; just that she's clearly doing it by correspondence so that the others can still scamper about in Carmen Miranda's old lingerie.

Grammy Awards Fug Carpet: Bai Ling

Apparently, our favorite demi-nudist Bai Ling was arrested for shoplifting -- and not, in fact, skirtlifting, which is how I first read the news, and which prompted me to sigh, "Oh, come on, people, that's just WHAT SHE DOES. LET HER LIVE, DAMMIT!"

Let's enjoy her in happier times.

This is our girl as nature intended: smiling, finding creative ways to circumvent a top that appears designed not to show any boob, and overall looking like she leapt out of the pages of a Dr. Seuss book. We wouldn't be at all shocked if her first call from inside the pokey went to her ex-boyfriend The Lorax. And, yes, those ARE Band-Aids with writing on them that she is using as shin jewelry -- one is in Chinese and the other says "Happy" and... something that look like "New York," maybe, and... Well, see for yourself:

AHA. Happy Chinese New Year! Thank you to a reader with better eyes than mine.

Poor Bai. This girl cannot live a life behind bars. Or, perhaps more relevant to this situation, she can't live a life where she's expected to show up in court to defend herself in sensible clothing. That's not our girl. We should probably offer ourselves up as character witnesses if there's a trial, though. What the police aren't considering is that maybe Personality #3 picked up the magazines and batteries Bai allegedly filched, and then right as she was getting in line to pay, Personality #13 burst to the fore and thought, "God, I need a lemon poppyseed muffin and a latte, 'ERE I DIE," and marched the host body straight out of the newsagent and toward Starbucks. So have mercy, cop-types. Unless you want to see what she MacGyvers the prison jumpsuits into -- just like a thneed, they could be gloves! A hat! A bra! But frankly, we are hoping this all gets resolved and Bai flies away straight back to her wardrove to start preparing the next majestic piece of lunacy.

Fug Ling

[Photos: Splash News]

Oh, Bai. Don't be so bashful.

See? I know it's a muddle when camera-shy Personality No. 10, the Haley's Comet of your psyche, makes her one appearance every eon right in the middle of No. 2's achingly sensitive tribute to Shania Twain. But one of the other ones always eventually emerges the victor. Plus, let's face it, No. 10 is still a chip off the old Bai -- there's no way she doesn't secretly enjoy strutting around like a giant embodiment of the fingerless gloves I wore in fourth grade for Halloween. I was Madonna; too bad I threw them out three years later, or else someday I could've gone as you.

Fug Ling

If people like Ashlee Simpson, Bobby Brown, Randy Spelling, and Kim Kardashian can all get their own reality shows, then I ask you, world: Why not Bai Ling?

Think of all the insights Being Bai Ling could give us.

I love how much Bai appears to enjoy creating the illusion that she is half-human, half-exotic endangered species moving through its own wildlife preserve. When I first saw this outfit, I thought it was an elaborate, stretchy set of footie pajamas. Turns out it's just the way she's standing. But, given who we're talking about here, my question is: Why ISN'T this an elaborate, stretchy set of footie pajamas? Who dropped that ball? Which personality? We're going to need each to get its own episode, so that we might better understand how they work. Or in this case, why they don't.

Alternatively, the potentially glorious Everybody Bai Ling Tonight could just be a show devoted entirely to what's in her closet that doesn't see the light of day. I wonder what she rejected in order to embrace these little numbers:

Although frankly, even she seems bored of this dress already, like she's sick of being asked over and over if she's starring in Juicy Couture On Ice and just wants to go home and take a long nap on her waterbed full of dolphins.

This is more like it:

[Photo: Splash News]

THIS is where, during the pivotal finale episode of Bais of our Lives, I imagine that we'll delve into the complicated computer system she employs -- a la Cher Horowitz -- to tell her what clothes belong together, what's a mismatch, and why on this night she must leave the house dressed like she thinks she's auditioning for Celebrity Wrap Superstar clad in an homage to Saran. Or maybe it merely talked her out of wearing that shirt with feathered hot pants. The point is, don't you want to KNOW? Don't you NEED to know? Does she have a long-suffering best friend who secretly wants to take her to The Gap and teach her about breathable fabrics? Is her housekeeper constantly picking up sequins off the floor? Are she and Paula Abdul secret pals, being the only two people in the world who could possibly comprehend each other?  Does she have a dog that she dresses up in Hanes t-shirts and Wranglers?

So many questions. I think we deserve answers. Bai Ling is fertile ground, people, and we owe it to ourselves to plow it silly.

Fug of the Sith

It stands to reason, really. We've got Thai Elvis, here in Los Angeles. And the Red Elvises. And now: BAI ELVIS:

She does look so lonely she could cry, no?

Fug Ling

It's Salute To Buttons day here at GFY HQ, where we acknowledge the brave, necessary work of those wee plastic soldiers and their kin:

Only Bai Ling could wear jeans and a cardigan, and still find a way to make herself a) 50 percent naked , and b) one yawn or stiff breeze away from inviting you to ski her Alps. Let's hope this one of her many personalities -- who looks like she'd fit right into a managerial role at Mister Rogers' Neighborhood's local brothel --  carries a sewing kit, and isn't afraid to use it. Maybe Mister Rogers taught her how. Right before a bitter, jealous Mr. McFeeley caught her and King Friday XIII in a compromising position on the trolley, and Mr. R had to explain to everyone that the Kama Sutra and its many wonderfully acrobatic teachings are a beautiful thing between two loving, mostly fictional beings.

Fugly Betty

It seems we may owe Bai Ling an apology. Behold: A scene from last night's Ugly Betty.

Look familiar? Except for the accessories, this is basically the exact outfit we fugged Bai Ling for a year and a half ago, a portion of which has a starring role in our site masthead.

Forgive us, Bai. Obviously, we misunderstood you lo those many moons ago. Personality #12 wasn't trying to teach us the assorted merits of cracking a ringmaster's whip while pirouetting around a dais at a circus honoring Kelly Osbourne. Rather, by wearing it without the belt, that particular Baby Bai was sending us a very important Message From The Future: One, that no matter how fabulous Betty's nephew is, his insistence that it would work without the waist strap is the baldest of balderdash because that thing wouldn't work if it was on a streetcorner full of escaped convicts and sailors; and two, no matter how much Wilhelmina Slater agrees with him, she is NOT TO BE TRUSTED because deep down (say, a centimeter) all she wants is for the world to look worse than she does. In short, Bai Ling, our most cherished psychic friend and tireless crusader for truth, wanted to tell us not to believe everything we see on TV.

HA! Just kidding about that last part. What kind of message is that? TV would never lie! Sure, in this case it's having a little fun at our expense, but otherwise our sweet friend would never lead us astray. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to check and see whether my bionic legs have been secretly installed yet.

Revenge of the Fug

Oh, Bai Ling! It's just so nice to see you out and about again. When you're not on the scene, my mind starts to race wondering where you are and what you're up to, and I begin to worry that, say, you've been the victim of an alien abduction, or perhaps you've been forced to take a part-time job at Rite Aid, which will surely stifle your creative juices. However, I'm relieved to see that's not the case:

What with your homemade tee and all. I'm not sure what that tee is implying -- are you gestating yourself? Are you missing? Is this an homage to that line Paris Hilton did, with her own face all over them? Are you on a journey of self-discovery? Do you have this shirt in nine other versions, with other peoples' faces on them? I hope the answer to all of those questions is: YES.

Fugi Fung

Oh, Bai Ling. How I've missed your whimsical, wacky, often nipple-y presence on the red carpet. Much like I feel about the Peldons, I enjoy making fun of your outfits and when you're gone, I really miss you and hope you haven't fallen into hardship, hard times, or the evil clutches of someone who doesn't understand that your eighteen personalities are a hilarious delight and need to be nurtured appropriately.

Particularly this personality:

I believe this is Number Sixteen, Ye Olde Western Saloon Barmaid and Part-Time Pedicure Fetishist.

Well Played: Bai Ling?

"Hello, earthlings.

My boobs COULD pop out of this. But they won't.  No.  I'm sorry, carbon-based lifeforms. Tonight, Personality Number 16 -- the BORING ONE. Sorry, 16, but it's TRUE -- picked our dress out. She wanted to look "pretty." She's got seven heads on Planet Zolton, so when we beam down to earth, it's like this whole big deal.  And she made me use double-sided taped.  That's why I look so glum. 16 has nice taste, but she's no fun to party with."

Bai Fug

Pop quiz: What is going on here?

a) The photographer has just informed Bai Ling that she is not, in fact, sitting on a toilet;

b) Personality No. 5 and Personality No. 11 got into a raging fight about whether there really is such a thing as an allergy to pants, making the host body extremely woozy;

c) The people at Vitamin Water asked her to stage a "before" shot;

d) Her gynecologist showed up and groaned, "Oh, God, please, not when I'm off duty";

e) All of the above.

Cannes Random Fugs: Presented By Bai Ling

BAI LING: I know, darlings. Despite the fact that my right nipple might be peeking out to say hello, I look surprisingly demure. Why? Why would my many personalities confab and decide to go lo-pro? Because look around you, darlings, it's Cannes. Everyone's tit is hanging out. I'm like Princess Diana floating in a sea of Jordans around here. Look at this young lady:

SNORE. I wore that to my 8th grade graduation.

YAWN. White catsuits with illusion nettings are so Plant Zarcon 2031. I already wore this in the future, you fools.

And speaking of fools:

When you're attending a party at which Ivana Trump mauls Crockett/Tubbs, the only way to get noticed at all is to tuck your goodies away and put on your Mysterious Face (Face Number 7, for those of you with my book, Bai Ling's Guide To Mysterious Faces).  I learned that from Tara Reid.

Shanghai Fuggy

If you'd asked me to show up at a photocall for my new movie, I would have assumed that a) hell had frozen over, b) you were totally drunk off your tree, and c) I should wear clothes.

But I don't have Bai Ling's vision and moxie.

Only Bai Ling could get away with being this naked and insane for a professional event. Oh, sure, she's wearing a "shirt" --  a repurposed cape stolen from Personality #7's last boyfriend, a dark marauder who wore it while slithering through the streets pillaging blood from the necks of any innocents in his path. And we're fairly sure that in her world, those drawstring leg warmers are "pants," even though they only cover 30 percent of each leg and their primary function in life appears to have been acting as a Christmas gift bag for wine bottles. But, see, that's her vision, and it takes moxie, or a hell of a lot of hallucinogenic drugs. Still, it can't be denied. When she shows up and says, "Today I am a spy impersonating Santa's Krav Maga teacher, and I want to hump a picture of myself," the world has no choice but to listen and let The Crazy romp free.

Bai Fugg

Bai Ling is back!

I would be tempted to say that she is better than ever, but it looks like she had a pretty bad car door/hem incident on the way over.

Fug Ling

The deeper we probe Bai Ling -- in a distant, fully clothed, frightened kind of way -- the more unusual personalities we find. We have reason to believe this one is #14, a.k.a. "A shot of Scotch Frisky."

[Source: Daily Celeb.]

She really puts the "tart" in Tartan, don't you think? I'm greatly excited for her sponsorship deal with the 3M Corporation, in which they put out a special commemmorative Bai Ling tape dispenser that starts purring every time you rip off a piece.

Fugst

Occasionally,  Heather or I look up from our sandwiches and wonder aloud, "I wonder where Bai Ling is." We assume she's off  dueling aliens or jumping on her bed with pants on her head or getting a bikini wax or drinking the blood of virgins so as to prevent herself from aging or whatever. But wherever she is, if she's not on the red carpet, after a while, we start to miss her and her wacky antics. Thank goodness she's back, and -- judging from her outfit -- actually working at the theatre as an usher!

Hey, a girl has to pay the rent somehow.

Fug Ling

We didn't want to worry you guys, but we were getting kind of concerned about Bai Ling. We hadn't seen her out and about since late summer. Any number of things could have happened to her:  she could have been hit by a bus leaving her waxer's, she could have tripped over one of her platform shoes and conked her head on her coffee table, she could have suffocated in a tragic Wig Closet incident. The good news is, whatever kept her occupied for the last three months doesn't appear to have been fatal:

The bad news is -- tacky red lace cut-outs and the fact that this is pretty much a nightgown aside -- and comparatively speaking,  she doesn't look that bad.

Oscar Post-Party Fug: Bai Ling

Bai Ling Personality No. 8: jellyfish.

That, or she is SERIOUSLY bloated.

Hello Again, Fug: Bai Ling

Well, Bai Ling is now on record as having the World's Shortest Unfugging.

She's like, "so, you think I let Personality Number 9 -- Miss Prim and Proper -- control everything now, is that what you're saying? Well, I'll show you. I'll show you all. Tonight is Punk Ballerina Tiger Killer Princess Bootsy Night! Number 12? YOU'RE UP!"

Freaky Fug Friday: Well Played, Bai Ling (No, Really)

So, something is going on with Bai Ling. My suspicion is that the actual Bai Ling has been abducted by aliens and replaced with a clone. Either that, or one of her 19 personalities decided that February is the month that she keeps her lady bits delicately under wraps, because otherwise, there's just no explanation for what's been happening with the usually trashtastic Ms Ling's wardrobe.

Allow me to illustrate. This is the last thing Ms. Ling wore in January:

Business as usual right? And when I say "business," you know the business I mean. I believe it's the oldest one in the book.

But look at her February outfits!

My best friend Jennifer wore this to prom in 1993, except in green. That's not a joke. She really did. But that said, it's still pretty. And, hell, we can't see her bra, right?  So who am I to make a Kurt Cobain Is Dead And So Is Taffeta joke?

February Outfit Number 2:

Holy moley. I can't believe this one. It's actually cute. I would actually wear it.  And it's on BAI LING! BAI LING! You know, she's wearing the same shoes. I wonder if she had to escape from a housefire that destroyed all her belongings, except for those shoes, and has now been living with a friend who doesn't dress like a whore, and borrowing her clothes.

And finally, February Outfit Number 3:

The neon "Hooters" sign behind her is ironic, seeing as we haven't seen hers in a month. This is classy, sophisticated, interesting, sort of Faye Dunaway in Chinatown of her. (I can't believe I just wrote that about Bai Ling) I actually take issue with her shoes because they're too staid. What is HAPPENING in the world? Is this one of the seven signs of the Apocolypse? Is she going to ride into the next movie premiere in a swatch of silk on the back of one of the Four Horsemen?

I'm a little scared.

Fugdance: Bai Ling

At this point, it's hard to be surprised by the wacky antics of Miss Bai Ling, don't you agree?

Although I do enjoy that she's wearing two belts. We all know she'd be SO EMBARRASSED if her skirt fell down and people could see any of her lady parts! No! Not her lady parts! She's so private and discreet, that Bai! She is SO CAREFUL to keep things covered! Two belts, see? Two!

What I really enjoy most about this picture though, is that the man over her right shoulder is paying NO ATTENTION to the attention whore in front of him. He's all like, "No, I have to go to the Gersh party tonight and make the rounds and then I have a screening of something at like ten -- NO, I COULDN'T GET INTO ANYTHING EARLIER, I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT -- and then I'm going to try to meet up with this girl I met on the shuttle from the airport. I think her name is Jennifer. Shit! There's some moron in front of me getting her picture taken and I almost totally wiped out trying to avoid her. I don't know who she is. Whatever, dude."

And the woman over her left shoulder is, of course, Lizzie Grubman, and Lizzie Grubman's expression says it all. It says, "wow, I can't believe I'm actually seeing this. And when I, Lizzie Grubman, who ran over a bunch of people with her car sort of kind of on purpose, although not really, but maybe a little, am mildly grossed out and alarmed by the actions of a starlet, that really sort of says something, don't you think? God, I'm kind of having a good time, though, in spite of myself. Wow, is she wearing two belts? Amazing."

Fug Ling, Part Infinity

Bai Ling likes to call this ensemble, "Window of Opportunity":

I like to call it, "I Owe My Sanity -- And My Retinas -- To The Heroic Inventor of Underwear."

Unfug, Refug

We are as surprised as anyone when Bai Ling shows up somewhere looking, well, human. So we would be remiss not to throw her a bone for the following ensemble:

[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

See how easy it can be when you embrace things like fabric? Maybe Bai Ling went on a modesty kick after claiming she was cut out of Star Wars, Episode III: Revenge of the Sith because of her upcoming Playboy spread -- forgetting, of course, that we've already practically been there and seen that, and besides, in the words of Lucasfilm, "It was only one scene" that got sliced a year ago, and you probably did it all for the Wookiee, the Wookiee, anyway, so CRAM IT, Bai Ling.

Ah, but for every crest, there is a trough; for every sensible outfit, there is an insanity binge:

She looks like Little Ho Peep. Even Scarlett Johansson, who is wearing riding boots with those pants for God's sake, is all, "Fine, I'll pose, but if she asks me to help find her sheep, I'm gonna rip off that wig and slap her with it until she cries."

Fug Wars: Attack of the Fug

Finally, Bai Ling has found a collection of people who think she is rather well-dressed:

[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

Do you think any of these people in the now-famous Star Wars line outside Grauman's Chinese Theater are even aware that she's supposedly famous? They probably just think she's a Netflix PR rep who is dressed up as a Mos Eisley alien.

But, I think we've made a love match:

The Least Climactic Playboy Spread Ever

Word hit the wires today that a longtime source of GFY bafflement, alleged actress Bai Ling (okay, we know she's been in stuff, but still -- Sky Captain blew), will be posing for Playboy.

According to the linked blurb, Ms. Ling has said she was "shocked" by the idea but that she is willing to make "sacrifices for the sake of art."

And so we ask: What, exactly, is she sacrificing?

Certainly not the the zeal with which she guards her breasts' privacy. Certainly not modesty. Indeed, certainly not terribly many clothes.

Perhaps she's just concerned about forsaking her right to wear a satin potato sack. Either way, Playboy isn't going to do much that a stiff breeze probably hasn't already achieved.

Yadda Yadda Fug

Dear Bai Ling,

We get it.

Now, put on some pants.

Oscar Post-Party Fugshion: Bai Ling

[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

After her nip-slip, Bai Ling may merely have wanted to be safe in the knowledge that her girls were under control when she chose this dress. But I can't help wishing that she could find a way to cover herself without opting for a billowing, barely tailored striped sheath that looks like a Victoria's Secret shopping bag as reconceived by Lance Armstrong's rubber-bracelet people.

Is she hiding Courtney Peldon in there? There's certainly enough room.

Celebrity Nipple Watch: Fug Ling

Hold onto your hats, guys (unless they are trucker hats, in which case, discard them with a quickness): Bai Ling is -- gasp -- clothed:

Look! She's relatively covered! None of her sexual organs are hanging out for the world to see!

It's a mirac...

[Photos by Daily Celeb.]

Oh.

Figures. And to think, I was all atitter. ... Er, atwitter.

Fug Ling

In the absence of a strong, crotch-exposing breeze, Bai Ling has chosen to make sure other things could potentially pop out as well.

Actually, this is downright demure for The Ling. But sadly for her, strapless tops that start about an inch or two above the waist are generally incredibly unflattering on a woman, because it makes the chest look flatter than Hilary Duff straining for a high note. Bai Ling, generally appropriately petite-of-cup for her frame, is no exception: She looks like she doesn't have breasts, so much as knobs.

Wonderfug, Your Newest Superhero

It's too bad she didn't have this dress at Halloween, because Courtney Peldon could have gone as a broken bottle of Pepto Bismol:

Hey, Courtney, nice move with the massive cutout in your dress -- that bra endorsement deal will come through in no time. Unless it's not deliberate, and in fact the fashion police really did show up on the red carpet and attempt a violent arrest. But, no, sadly, this getup smacks of carefully wanton exhibitionism, so we're going to have to wait another day for Officer HolyGodWeDon'tWantToSeeUpYourWomanPocket to whip out his truncheon and sic the attack dogs.

What could be better than a Peldon fug?

A Peldon-Ling extravaganza:

[Both photos courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

Courtney's hole has gone from being a careful side-skimming affair to being an escape hatch for her right breast. She is probably so excited and aroused by the fugocity of Bai Ling's hot pants, yellow heels, and electric blue legwarmers that she can't keep the ladies in check. Her breasts are clearly lesbians.... Or fugbians.

Fug Vogue Awards

Oh my God, you guys! Bai Ling left the house looking weird, and with 80 percent of her skin showing! Can you imagine? What are the odds?!?

Seriously, this woman confounds me -- she's another one who shows up everywhere, but whose relevance I can't quite understand or recognize. I mean, other than the fact that her main mission in life is to be as naked as she can be. She's got to be stopped.

Maybe it's because I'm posting late in the day on a Friday, or maybe it's because she won't stop popping up all over the place in outfits that look like The Island of Dr. Moreau has a fashion line, but I am very, very intolerant of The Bai Ling Experience. She's no Courtney Peldon, who would go to the opening of a mouth -- and dress like she wants to put something of hers in it -- but Bai Ling is grating nonetheless. Can't someone contain her? Where's the mob when you need it?

In other news, I hate the '80s:

All Ali Larter needs here is some really giant geometric earrings and hairspray to complete this dumpy, sloppy outfit. I don't know which Mensa evictee decided that 1980s fashion was ripe for a comeback, but that person ought to be locked up Clockwork Orange-style in front of as many movies like Just One Of The Guys as possible. This person must be broken.

The Zipless Fug

Oh my God you guys, Bai Ling forgot her pants!

She must be so embarrassed right now.