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May 23, 2008

Fug Ranch

According to our friends at IMDb, our beloved Bai Ling here has completed photography on SIX FILMS coming out over the next two years, is filming another, and is in pre-production on yet another. Girlfriend works her ass off. When does she have time to create/procure the likes of this?

Wait! I want you to see the back (speaking of asses, especially):

Whee! It's like....a leotard with the human equivalent of saddle bags attached? At least she has somewhere to store her lip gloss, her house key, and her copy of The Interplanetary Guide to Human Interaction: Intrigue, Involve, Inveigle.

Posted by Jessica at 11:02 AM in Bai Ling | Permalink

May 02, 2008

Fug Ling

How can you not fall in love with this?

I know. It's crazy. It's complicated. It's custom-made. It's the costume from the show-stopping closer to Act One of Kiss of the Spiderwoman II: This Time, It's Way Less Metaphorical! It might also be shorts.

And it appears Bai is wearing her Message Band-Aids again. Let's take a closer look at them, shall we?

"The Hit Song" and "China Girl." Is...Bai Ling recording an album? Or is this just a shout-out to David Bowie? Oddly, I can't decide which would please me more.

Posted by Jessica at 12:29 PM in Bai Ling | Permalink

April 30, 2008

Bai Fug

Flush with the glow of her Fug Madness win, our girl Bai Ling has remained wonderfully unafraid to leave the house. Incidentally, she did actually mention her victory on her delicious blog, although for some reason that entry feels to me like someone else wrote it -- no matter how much we riff on her many personalities, in my heart of hearts I can't believe loony, gentle Bai would seriously call us Earth people "stupid," even if she is simultaneously excited to be a champion of something.

Anyway, back to Bai. When I first saw this photo last week, I feared she'd gone all demure on us in the wake of being declared The Fugliest Of Them All.

It's just so very SERIOUS, like she's decided to quit acting so she can attend Austria's prestigious Milkmaid School, where you don't get to show cleavage until you are fully certified.

But I should've known that Bai Ling, especially in this recent L.A. heat, would not stay serious and amply clothed for too long.

[Photo: Splash News]

That's more like it! I feel like Bai isn't truly being Bai unless she's running the risk of some seriously inconvenient tan lines. Which isn't to say that ONE of her personalities isn't enrolled in a course teaching her how to make her own lederhosen out of cow hair; just that she's clearly doing it by correspondence so that the others can still scamper about in Carmen Miranda's old lingerie.

Posted by Heather at 09:02 AM in Bai Ling | Permalink

February 14, 2008

Grammy Awards Fug Carpet: Bai Ling

Apparently, our favorite demi-nudist Bai Ling was arrested for shoplifting -- and not, in fact, skirtlifting, which is how I first read the news, and which prompted me to sigh, "Oh, come on, people, that's just WHAT SHE DOES. LET HER LIVE, DAMMIT!"

Let's enjoy her in happier times.

This is our girl as nature intended: smiling, finding creative ways to circumvent a top that appears designed not to show any boob, and overall looking like she leapt out of the pages of a Dr. Seuss book. We wouldn't be at all shocked if her first call from inside the pokey went to her ex-boyfriend The Lorax. And, yes, those ARE Band-Aids with writing on them that she is using as shin jewelry -- one is in Chinese and the other says "Happy" and... something that look like "New York," maybe, and... Well, see for yourself:

AHA. Happy Chinese New Year! Thank you to a reader with better eyes than mine.

Poor Bai. This girl cannot live a life behind bars. Or, perhaps more relevant to this situation, she can't live a life where she's expected to show up in court to defend herself in sensible clothing. That's not our girl. We should probably offer ourselves up as character witnesses if there's a trial, though. What the police aren't considering is that maybe Personality #3 picked up the magazines and batteries Bai allegedly filched, and then right as she was getting in line to pay, Personality #13 burst to the fore and thought, "God, I need a lemon poppyseed muffin and a latte, 'ERE I DIE," and marched the host body straight out of the newsagent and toward Starbucks. So have mercy, cop-types. Unless you want to see what she MacGyvers the prison jumpsuits into -- just like a thneed, they could be gloves! A hat! A bra! But frankly, we are hoping this all gets resolved and Bai flies away straight back to her wardrove to start preparing the next majestic piece of lunacy.

Posted by Heather at 09:52 AM in Bai Ling, Grammys | Permalink

January 29, 2008

Fug Ling

[Photos: Splash News]

Oh, Bai. Don't be so bashful.

See? I know it's a muddle when camera-shy Personality No. 10, the Haley's Comet of your psyche, makes her one appearance every eon right in the middle of No. 2's achingly sensitive tribute to Shania Twain. But one of the other ones always eventually emerges the victor. Plus, let's face it, No. 10 is still a chip off the old Bai -- there's no way she doesn't secretly enjoy strutting around like a giant embodiment of the fingerless gloves I wore in fourth grade for Halloween. I was Madonna; too bad I threw them out three years later, or else someday I could've gone as you.

Posted by Heather at 09:13 AM in Bai Ling | Permalink

November 08, 2007

Fug Ling

If people like Ashlee Simpson, Bobby Brown, Randy Spelling, and Kim Kardashian can all get their own reality shows, then I ask you, world: Why not Bai Ling?

Think of all the insights Being Bai Ling could give us.

I love how much Bai appears to enjoy creating the illusion that she is half-human, half-exotic endangered species moving through its own wildlife preserve. When I first saw this outfit, I thought it was an elaborate, stretchy set of footie pajamas. Turns out it's just the way she's standing. But, given who we're talking about here, my question is: Why ISN'T this an elaborate, stretchy set of footie pajamas? Who dropped that ball? Which personality? We're going to need each to get its own episode, so that we might better understand how they work. Or in this case, why they don't.

Alternatively, the potentially glorious Everybody Bai Ling Tonight could just be a show devoted entirely to what's in her closet that doesn't see the light of day. I wonder what she rejected in order to embrace these little numbers:

Although frankly, even she seems bored of this dress already, like she's sick of being asked over and over if she's starring in Juicy Couture On Ice and just wants to go home and take a long nap on her waterbed full of dolphins.

This is more like it:

[Photo: Splash News]

THIS is where, during the pivotal finale episode of Bais of our Lives, I imagine that we'll delve into the complicated computer system she employs -- a la Cher Horowitz -- to tell her what clothes belong together, what's a mismatch, and why on this night she must leave the house dressed like she thinks she's auditioning for Celebrity Wrap Superstar clad in an homage to Saran. Or maybe it merely talked her out of wearing that shirt with feathered hot pants. The point is, don't you want to KNOW? Don't you NEED to know? Does she have a long-suffering best friend who secretly wants to take her to The Gap and teach her about breathable fabrics? Is her housekeeper constantly picking up sequins off the floor? Are she and Paula Abdul secret pals, being the only two people in the world who could possibly comprehend each other?  Does she have a dog that she dresses up in Hanes t-shirts and Wranglers?

So many questions. I think we deserve answers. Bai Ling is fertile ground, people, and we owe it to ourselves to plow it silly.

Posted by Heather at 12:06 PM in Bai Ling | Permalink

October 17, 2007

Fug of the Sith

It stands to reason, really. We've got Thai Elvis, here in Los Angeles. And the Red Elvises. And now: BAI ELVIS:

She does look so lonely she could cry, no?

Posted by Jessica at 10:08 AM in Bai Ling | Permalink

October 15, 2007

Fug Ling

It's Salute To Buttons day here at GFY HQ, where we acknowledge the brave, necessary work of those wee plastic soldiers and their kin:

Only Bai Ling could wear jeans and a cardigan, and still find a way to make herself a) 50 percent naked , and b) one yawn or stiff breeze away from inviting you to ski her Alps. Let's hope this one of her many personalities -- who looks like she'd fit right into a managerial role at Mister Rogers' Neighborhood's local brothel --  carries a sewing kit, and isn't afraid to use it. Maybe Mister Rogers taught her how. Right before a bitter, jealous Mr. McFeeley caught her and King Friday XIII in a compromising position on the trolley, and Mr. R had to explain to everyone that the Kama Sutra and its many wonderfully acrobatic teachings are a beautiful thing between two loving, mostly fictional beings.

Posted by Heather at 11:29 AM in Bai Ling | Permalink

September 28, 2007

Fugly Betty

It seems we may owe Bai Ling an apology. Behold: A scene from last night's Ugly Betty.

Look familiar? Except for the accessories, this is basically the exact outfit we fugged Bai Ling for a year and a half ago, a portion of which has a starring role in our site masthead.

Forgive us, Bai. Obviously, we misunderstood you lo those many moons ago. Personality #12 wasn't trying to teach us the assorted merits of cracking a ringmaster's whip while pirouetting around a dais at a circus honoring Kelly Osbourne. Rather, by wearing it without the belt, that particular Baby Bai was sending us a very important Message From The Future: One, that no matter how fabulous Betty's nephew is, his insistence that it would work without the waist strap is the baldest of balderdash because that thing wouldn't work if it was on a streetcorner full of escaped convicts and sailors; and two, no matter how much Wilhelmina Slater agrees with him, she is NOT TO BE TRUSTED because deep down (say, a centimeter) all she wants is for the world to look worse than she does. In short, Bai Ling, our most cherished psychic friend and tireless crusader for truth, wanted to tell us not to believe everything we see on TV.

HA! Just kidding about that last part. What kind of message is that? TV would never lie! Sure, in this case it's having a little fun at our expense, but otherwise our sweet friend would never lead us astray. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to check and see whether my bionic legs have been secretly installed yet.

Posted by Heather at 09:01 AM in Bai Ling | Permalink

September 20, 2007

Revenge of the Fug

Oh, Bai Ling! It's just so nice to see you out and about again. When you're not on the scene, my mind starts to race wondering where you are and what you're up to, and I begin to worry that, say, you've been the victim of an alien abduction, or perhaps you've been forced to take a part-time job at Rite Aid, which will surely stifle your creative juices. However, I'm relieved to see that's not the case:

What with your homemade tee and all. I'm not sure what that tee is implying -- are you gestating yourself? Are you missing? Is this an homage to that line Paris Hilton did, with her own face all over them? Are you on a journey of self-discovery? Do you have this shirt in nine other versions, with other peoples' faces on them? I hope the answer to all of those questions is: YES.

Posted by Jessica at 12:42 PM in Bai Ling | Permalink


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