July 31, 2007
Oh, Bai Ling. How I've missed your whimsical, wacky, often nipple-y presence on the red carpet. Much like I feel about the Peldons, I enjoy making fun of your outfits and when you're gone, I really miss you and hope you haven't fallen into hardship, hard times, or the evil clutches of someone who doesn't understand that your eighteen personalities are a hilarious delight and need to be nurtured appropriately.
Particularly this personality:
I believe this is Number Sixteen, Ye Olde Western Saloon Barmaid and Part-Time Pedicure Fetishist.
June 27, 2007
Well Played: Bai Ling?
My boobs COULD pop out of this. But they won't. No. I'm sorry, carbon-based lifeforms. Tonight, Personality Number 16 -- the BORING ONE. Sorry, 16, but it's TRUE -- picked our dress out. She wanted to look "pretty." She's got seven heads on Planet Zolton, so when we beam down to earth, it's like this whole big deal. And she made me use double-sided taped. That's why I look so glum. 16 has nice taste, but she's no fun to party with."
June 19, 2007
Pop quiz: What is going on here?
a) The photographer has just informed Bai Ling that she is not, in fact, sitting on a toilet;
b) Personality No. 5 and Personality No. 11 got into a raging fight about whether there really is such a thing as an allergy to pants, making the host body extremely woozy;
c) The people at Vitamin Water asked her to stage a "before" shot;
d) Her gynecologist showed up and groaned, "Oh, God, please, not when I'm off duty";
e) All of the above.
May 23, 2007
Cannes Random Fugs: Presented By Bai Ling
BAI LING: I know, darlings. Despite the fact that my right nipple might be peeking out to say hello, I look surprisingly demure. Why? Why would my many personalities confab and decide to go lo-pro? Because look around you, darlings, it's Cannes. Everyone's tit is hanging out. I'm like Princess Diana floating in a sea of Jordans around here. Look at this young lady:
SNORE. I wore that to my 8th grade graduation.
YAWN. White catsuits with illusion nettings are so Plant Zarcon 2031. I already wore this in the future, you fools.
And speaking of fools:
When you're attending a party at which Ivana Trump mauls Crockett/Tubbs, the only way to get noticed at all is to tuck your goodies away and put on your Mysterious Face (Face Number 7, for those of you with my book, Bai Ling's Guide To Mysterious Faces). I learned that from Tara Reid.
May 18, 2007
If you'd asked me to show up at a photocall for my new movie, I would have assumed that a) hell had frozen over, b) you were totally drunk off your tree, and c) I should wear clothes.
But I don't have Bai Ling's vision and moxie.
Only Bai Ling could get away with being this naked and insane for a professional event. Oh, sure, she's wearing a "shirt" -- a repurposed cape stolen from Personality #7's last boyfriend, a dark marauder who wore it while slithering through the streets pillaging blood from the necks of any innocents in his path. And we're fairly sure that in her world, those drawstring leg warmers are "pants," even though they only cover 30 percent of each leg and their primary function in life appears to have been acting as a Christmas gift bag for wine bottles. But, see, that's her vision, and it takes moxie, or a hell of a lot of hallucinogenic drugs. Still, it can't be denied. When she shows up and says, "Today I am a spy impersonating Santa's Krav Maga teacher, and I want to hump a picture of myself," the world has no choice but to listen and let The Crazy romp free.
May 16, 2007
Bai Ling is back!
I would be tempted to say that she is better than ever, but it looks like she had a pretty bad car door/hem incident on the way over.
May 07, 2007
The deeper we probe Bai Ling -- in a distant, fully clothed, frightened kind of way -- the more unusual personalities we find. We have reason to believe this one is #14, a.k.a. "A shot of Scotch Frisky."
[Source: Daily Celeb.]
She really puts the "tart" in Tartan, don't you think? I'm greatly excited for her sponsorship deal with the 3M Corporation, in which they put out a special commemmorative Bai Ling tape dispenser that starts purring every time you rip off a piece.
April 12, 2007
Occasionally, Heather or I look up from our sandwiches and wonder aloud, "I wonder where Bai Ling is." We assume she's off dueling aliens or jumping on her bed with pants on her head or getting a bikini wax or drinking the blood of virgins so as to prevent herself from aging or whatever. But wherever she is, if she's not on the red carpet, after a while, we start to miss her and her wacky antics. Thank goodness she's back, and -- judging from her outfit -- actually working at the theatre as an usher!
Hey, a girl has to pay the rent somehow.
November 20, 2006
We didn't want to worry you guys, but we were getting kind of concerned about Bai Ling. We hadn't seen her out and about since late summer. Any number of things could have happened to her: she could have been hit by a bus leaving her waxer's, she could have tripped over one of her platform shoes and conked her head on her coffee table, she could have suffocated in a tragic Wig Closet incident. The good news is, whatever kept her occupied for the last three months doesn't appear to have been fatal:
The bad news is -- tacky red lace cut-outs and the fact that this is pretty much a nightgown aside -- and comparatively speaking, she doesn't look that bad.
March 10, 2006
Oscar Post-Party Fug: Bai Ling
Bai Ling Personality No. 8: jellyfish.
That, or she is SERIOUSLY bloated.