February 11, 2008
Grammy Awards Fug Carpet: Beyonce and Solange
BEYONCE: Hi, Mommy! Thanks! Thanks for the dress!
SOLANGE: Yeah. That's good. Rub it in.
BEYONCE: Whatever do you mean?
SOLANGE: Oh, nothing. Just that, once again, Mom lets you wear some giant ball gown, and I get to wear a glorified freaking shirt with shoes that look like a five-year old made them. Awesome.
BEYONCE: You're so cranky.
SOLANGE: Wouldn't you be? It's like a funeral tent. Although I don't even like your dress that much. It looks a bit like wet sand at the beach got all over it. HA!
BEYONCE: That's real nice, there, Solange. Real mature. I think I look pretty.
SOLANGE: And your highlights look like refried Tina Turner from this angle.
BEYONCE: It was an homage! For our performance!
SOLANGE: Uh-huh. Right. Mom lets you do all that to yourself, and doesn't let me wear pants.
BEYONCE: Silly child. You have to EARN pants.
SOLANGE: Oh, is that so? Like you did on stage tonight?
BEYONCE: That's DIFFERENT. I'm performing with Tina! The queen of tiny skirts and awesome legs!
SOLANGE: Yeah, and Tina can get away with anything, because she's fierce. Although I don't think she appreciated you stepping on her foot mid-song, but I won't rub that in, okay?
BEYONCE: But doesn't my hair look better?
SOLANGE: It does. That's still not a dress, though, Peaches. That's a bedazzled hanky. And what's your excuse for this other thing?
BEYONCE: That's different ALSO, brat!
SOLANGE: How? Those look like you have gangrene of the pelvis. How come you refuse to wear bottoms on-stage? Are you allergic?
BEYONCE: Listen, you know I have an alter-ego called Sasha who takes over my costuming sometimes.
SOLANGE: Right. And I have an alter-ego named Neosporin who makes a salve that might cure whatever your hips caught.
BEYONCE: When I tell Mom about this, you will be so grounded, you won't even TOUCH a pair of pants for TWO YEARS.
SOLANGE: Great! Then I can talk to "Sasha" for some pointers on how to handle that.
December 05, 2007
Fug or Fab: Beyonce
We've gotten a lot of e-mails in the past few days about the shiny green dress that Beyonce wore to a Movies Rock event. I had it kicking around in my lightbox but I never felt motivated to post it; however, all these e-mail pretty universally eviscerate this choice.
Points its favor: The color, which is really unusual, looks great against Beyonce's skin. And she's got great curves, so there's something to be said for being unafraid to flaunt them.
Points against: It looks like it's binding her knees together, to the point that the friction generated when she tries to walk could probably power Luxembourg for a year. And in almost all the photos, Beyonce is bent over or twisted around or hunched, like she's trying to mimic something Tyra Banks said during an America's Next Top Model judging about unusual poses and trying things that are "weird but pretty" or which would result in Jay Alexander cooing, "I loooooooooove that broken-down doll thing." More likely, it's because Beyonce is so squeezed into that thing, fluid movement is nigh on impossible. And finally, as that brave frog so earnestly reminded us through song, it ain't easy being green.
So there's some of the evidence for and against the dress. What do you make of it?
November 20, 2007
American Music Awards Fug Carpet: The Ladies Knowles
Listen, we all know Beyonce is bodacious -- or bootylicious, if you want to get into quoting Destiny's Child, which I'm sure Those Other Two Girls would appreciate since otherwise they're not getting a tremendous amount of love these days. And I remain eternally pleased that, rather than keep to the Dreamgirls-era stories of "How Beyonce Gave Up Fried Chicken" and "Beyonce's Sexy New Body," Miss B has in fact put the ten pounds back on and returned to her sexy OLD body, because she is not mental, and thereby understands that a life without fried chicken is not a life anyone should have to lead.
Still: Why satin, B?
This woman should look glorious in everything, all the time, and instead she gravitates toward the kind of grandiose satiny confections that end up buying property and building a mansion on the trashy side of divalicious. Also, Beyonce, you're all lovely and curvy, so don't detract from that by wearing a dress that bunches and pulls like it's a size too small an your mom struggled to sew you into it an hour ago, and told you not to DARE drink or eat anything, or else GOOD LUCK GOING TO THE BATHROOM.
Not to mention that the poor, brave halter strap is doing heroic work up there. I hope she's encouraging it with a lot of compliments and other positive reinforcement, because the second it feels bitter and taken for granted, it's going to pop and then the club won't be the only thing that's bouncin', bouncin'. (You're welcome AGAIN, Those Other Two Girls.)(Edited to add that, apparently, they won't be thanking me because the club is "jumpin', jumpin," which is a whole different chestal-region issue indeed. Oh well. You get the point: They're going to fall out of there, and I don't like Destiny's Child.)
Apparently sartorial tragedy runs in the family -- no surprise since mama Tina Knowles fancies herself a designer and stylist. Check out what that other forgotten girl, Beyonce's sister Solange, decided to wear:
We're all really happy they're letting you out of the house, honey, but don't belt a gift bag and think you're making yourself our Christmas present. For one thing, it makes you look like you could only fit through a door if you side-stepped, which I'm sure is not true; for another, there isn't enough egg nog in the world that could erase the embarrassment of sitting down in the theater and watching your skirt arrange itself around your thighs like a giant gold-leaf wedding cake at Celine Dion's next lavish vow renewal. And let's face it, if Santa popped by to drop you down my chimney, that skirt would fly clear up and all we'd have under our tree would be a pair of legs and some sooty knickers. And nobody wants that. Unless of course we're watching it on Lifetime and it's called Jingle Buns.
August 08, 2007
Everybody loves a disco ball. It's a wee sphere of glee. I have a small replica of one hanging from my ceiling right now, and it always makes me want either to boogie down or put on some roller skates.
I'm going to name it "Beyonce."
Because it would have been about as flattering if she'd just poked her legs and arms through an actual disco ball and worn it on-stage. Dreamgirls is over, B. Let it die with your Oscar hopes, okay?
June 27, 2007
BET Awards Fug Carpet: Beyonce
I've looked at this photo of Beyonce for like twenty minutes, and I can't decide if she looks crazy, or AWESOME:
Is it subtle? No. Is it restrained? No. Is it impossible to sit down in? Probably. Could this be one of the costumes from the grand finale of the Xanadu musical? (Warning: that link takes you to possibly the most mesmerizing Flash intro ever) We hope so. And yet, something about how over-the-top it is is also kind of FABULOUS. It's so....shiny. And futuristic. And weird. And ballsy. And probably really hot in the sun -- if you want to hug her, you probably have to wrap a beach towel around her waist to avoid being scalded, like how you sometimes need to use a dishrag to handle your steering wheel during a heat wave.
But this metallic extravaganza is nothing compared to what B wore to perform in:
She's like C3PO's Dream Woman! Who's also apparently f'ing LOADED, because these leggings cost like, seriously, $100,000 (they're Balanciaga, and I assume they also do your laundry and babysit your children, for that price). And while I am concerned that one of her breasts is about to pop out (which, I mean, of course it's much more difficult to yank up a bra composed of precious metals than it is a little cotton number -- what are you gonna do?), you have to give the girl credit for FULLY COMMITTING to a vision.
April 02, 2007
A Scene From the Life of Beyonce:
BEYONCE: So what are you saying?
BEYONCE'S CONCERNED STAFF MEMBER: Those pants were in your dressing room for a reason.
BCSM: We TALKED about how you weren't going to wear hot pants any more. Remember?
BEYONCE: I would never have agreed to that. I'm the president of the American branch of the International Society for the Promotion of Short Shorts.
BCSM: I don't even think that exists.
BEYONCE: I can forward you the newsletter.
BCSM: Can you please just go change into something that doesn't make you look like you forgot to wear bottoms?
BEYONCE: I just don't think that's ever going to happen.
March 02, 2007
"Dear God, it's me, Beyonce,
I'm so grateful the Oscars are over. Having to sit there and look happy for everyone when I wasn't nominated for anything was hard. Thank you for allowing me to remain calm and collected when You Know Who won. I was scared I might lose my shit -- er, I mean, my stuff. Um, sorry about that. I was also worried that I might snap during our musical number and shove her into the orchestra pit. So I really appreciate the fact that I did not. And thank you for her terrible gold bolero. I felt much better about myself once I saw her in that. Thank you also for these shoes, they're very cute. And, finally, thank you for giving me the courage to wear a zip-up, hoodie-style camo gown on TRL. Not everyone could do this. Oh, also, if you could get Solange to stop singing 'And I'm Telling You I Am Not Going' to me over breakfast, that would be awesome. Today, I shoved a bagel in her face. I hope she forgives me. Amen!"
January 18, 2007
Golden Globes Awards Fug: Dreamgirls
EDDIE: Just look suave, Eddie, just look suave. If you act cool enough they won't even remember you have another one of those fat-suit movies coming out in a few weeks.
JENNIFER: Wow, my hair really DOES look good this way. And I'm so glad I chose this navy dress -- I have to say, I feel pretty hot right now.
BEYONCE: Yeah, fine, smile it up, TV bitch - let's just all remember who only held back on her singing voice because they MADE her, because she was TOO FIERCE for her role. Was it you? NO. Was it the From Justin To Kelly chick? NO. Was it that other bitch? NO. CHECK IT, hos, it was ME.
JAMIE: Man, Hudson looks fine. Almost as fine as I do, although nobody could outfox the Foxx. Miss B over there must be pissed-- she looks so Las Vegas that her dress even has its own coin slot up there. HAHAHAHAHA, oh, Foxxy, you've still got the funny, baby!
JENNIFER: I hope Beyonce isn't mad at me.
BEYONCE: No, I'm serious, hos, are you checking it? You'd BEST. Because I can't believe I am playing second fiddle to some bitch Paula Abdul dug up out of obscurity. Seriously. The claws are coming OUT. And so is her HAIR.
JENNIFER: I also hope Beyonce doesn't try and pull out my hair. She keeps accidentally touching it and she looks kind of like she's plotting something. I can't help it that I have a great stylist and she just has her mother. I didn't do that to her.
BEYONCE: It is ALL HER FAULT that I didn't win. Lady, I could sing circles around your ass, and Simon Cowell would CRY and Randy Jackson would be all, "You're doing your thing, dog, and that thing is KICKING SERIOUS ASS," and Paula would go, "If I ordered a pizza right now they'd deliver it to Montana because that was so good you almost made me want to eat some mascara and there are rainbows here and where am I? Are you my mother?" ...
EDDIE: I wonder if they'll burn the print of my next movie if I pay them enough money.
BEYONCE: ...and then Simon would be all, "What Paula is trying to say is that you are perfection, and you're the best there has ever been and I don't need to see any more," and then they'd CANCEL THE SHOW because there was no way they could do better and THAT is how I would WIN American Idol, you sad little runner-up, you.
EDDIE: No, really. I don't want to be all Queen Latifah here, winning a major award and then having a craptravaganza like Taxi coming out right afterward. But at least I look smooth. What the hell was Beyonce thinking? If we hang her from the ballroom ceiling they can turn off all the other lights and have a real cheap electric bill.
JENNIFER: Oh, well, I'll just try not to think about Beyonce. After all, I've never felt this good about myself in my life. Seriously, I think I deserve to be very proud of myself.
BEYONCE: Ohh, yes, just get ready, you humble little trophy hound, you. It's COMING.
JAMIE: DANG, bitches, I'm glad I took my shades off -- I'll get a better view of the catfight this way. Come on, let's see some clawing and spanking. Y'all can mess up my tux if it means I see some girl-on-girl without having to go back to my hotel room first. Let's get it ON.
JENNIFER: Although... I really should remember to get that restraining order ready.
January 05, 2007
Now that I've waded through my year-end supply of gossip magazines with Best and Worst lists galore, I'm compelled to put up another dress here that I ignored the first time around.
Beyonce Knowles' lacy blue gown from the L.A. Dreamgirls premiere got just about everyone's "Best" vote this year, and although I can sort of see people's logic in saying that, as a woman I can't get over one very massive mental hurdle with this gown.
And that is: Aren't her breasts about to pop out of that thing?
Well, actually, I also think all the lace is overly fussy and that the see-through quality of the dress has it walking a very delicate line between "sexy" and "I'm meeting you in the elephant at the Moulin Rouge to sex you into giving our nightclub lots of money." But mostly, I can't look at this dress without wondering how she is able to walk around in it without constantly checking on whether her nipples are saluting the flashbulbs, and also, how many pounds of boob tape she's employing in order to give her the freedom to shimmy.
Am I wrong? Look -- is that the top of a nipple, or a circle of tape over there on the right? Or just a dent? If it's tape, it hardly seems like enough to keep those under wraps. How is she moving freely? How is she comfortable? Did she just want them pushed up high enough to rest a drink upon, or has she really not noticed their precarious and somewhat pancaked state?
Now, I do understand that for a lot of people, the very promise of a one- or two-gun salute may be precisely why this is a "Best Dress" contender. But as a girl who loves gowns, all I can see is a bodice that looks in serious danger of making her mother cry. Does she want to make her mother cry? Is that her revenge for all those years of hot pants? Wow. Admirable cunning, Beyonce, if it's true -- who could blame you? She REALLY kind of has it coming, when you think of it in those terms -- but you might want to consider orchestrating a less X-rated trauma. Becuse "What Would Tara Reid Do?" is not a viable mantra.
December 20, 2006
Sometimes, Beyonce Knowles gets it right; other times, she's maddeningly wrong. But it's not often that she hits both notes in one day. At one location.
Exhibit A: The Good.
Aside from the fact that she and Miss Tyra Banks could have a seriously fierce weave-off -- the likes of which could, nay WOULD, change the meaning of life for us all -- Beyonce looks quite pretty. We love that she has a normal body and love it even more when she drapes it well. Here, she's a gentle hourglass.
And now for something completely different.
This is Exhibit B: The Bad, in whichthe sands of the aforementioned hourglass have officially all reached the lower chamber. Beyonce looks less like superstar than a shell-shocked diner employee who, as part of a surprise contest win, was plucked from the restaurant during her shift and deposited on the set of TRL as a guest co-host. That skirt, built-in apron and all, is a veritable tent; she could throw a Girl Scouts jamboree under there.
She also appears to be molting, which brings us to Exhibit C: The Ugly.
Now she's not just a diner employee -- she's a fired extra from the ill-fated The Muppets Take Manhattan Sam's House of Bacon, in which our merry band of Hensonites would have opened up a greasy spoon, had this nutter not accidentally sat on one of the main characters during a coffee break.
Why she wore this when she had something better on a nearby hanger, I really don't know. Sure, she wore the red dress on Letterman later, but come on -- there can't be that much overlap in those demographics. Sure, maybe that striped-shirt dude with the crazy eyes and gleaming maw would tune in to obsess over her Late Show appearance, but he's about to be arrested for plucking the bird, I think, so that's a moot point.
We would call it a wash, but the feathered derriere actually counts as a full second point against the aqua outfit, so the final score is: Tina Knowles' DNA 2, Rational Thought 1.
Dang. Better luck next time, Beyonce.