June 22, 2006
Letter of Truth: Part Justin
I just heard a rumor that you finally broke up with that scrawy cracked-out ho and I just wanted to tell you that everything I told Matt Lauer about how my marriage is awesome and stuff is a total lie. Call me!
I made a picture of what it would be like if we got back together! Look:
Seriously, don't we look happy together? It will totally be just like this, too!
So call me! Or you can email me! It's the same email I always had. Or you can IM me if you want! IM is good! I'm still SweetCheetoKisses on AIM! Or just come by the house! Come by whenever you want! My mom will TOTALLY let you in.
Okay! I'm really excited! This is going to be great!
PS: Seriously, don't we look happy together? I can't wait!
PPS: Wear that hat!
May 22, 2006
Letter of Fug: The Refuggening
Sigh. It's been a while since we talked, I guess. I just haven't felt like writing much lately. (Kevin is reading this over my shoulder and he just went, "or showering." I hate him. ARE YOU READING THIS STILL, KEVIN? I SAID I HATE YOU. I REALLY MEAN IT.
Okay. He went into the other room. I bet you ten dollars to do drugs, even though I told him that was NOT ALLOWED ANYMORE. I didn't even know he could read. Or make jokes. Although I don't think that one was funny AND the reason I don't get to shower very often is because every time I leave the room my baby falls on his head and then the police come and HOW DID I GET IN SUCH A MESS?)
So I don't have very much time to talk to you because Jamie Lynn is only watching Sean Preston until she has to leave for some party at Cameron Diaz's house. She promised me she would slip Justin the security code to the main house here in Malibu just in case he wants to come over and see me or kill Kevin in a jealous rage even though I do not advocate murder but I think she is just humoring me because she also didn't say anything mean when I left the house with my thong and my bra hanging out the back of my top and if that wasn't a cry for help like Dr. Phil talks about I don't know what is.
Anyway. I'm having another baby. Even though I keep screwing up with this one and no one will help me figure out what I am supposed to be doing. I am NOT EVEN 24 YEARS OLD, Y'ALL. I need some HELP. I need some ADVICE. All everyone is doing is making fun of me for not knowing how to install a car seat, like have you ever tried to read the instructions for one of those things? I think they write them in some foreign language and then translate them back to American. And I am pretty sure that everyone drops a baby now and then -- SERIOUSLY -- because babies are squirmy and you know what? I wasn't even the one who DROPPED him, that was SOMEONE ELSE. And I fired her and I don't know what else I am supposed to be doing and no one will help me with any of it and now I'm having another one and I am sure I will love it but I ONLY HAVE TWO ARMS.
And just between you and me, I was totally going to divorce him and then I found out I was all knocked up again, like HOW MAGIC IS HIS SPERMY STUFF? It's like RADIOACTIVATED or something.
But you should know that I am thinking about...things.
Because there are people who have babies with no husband, right? Like Meg Ryan has that cute Chinese baby now. And Angelina Jolie! She had TWO babies with no husband. And so does Sharon Stone and I am pretty sure that I am way smarter than Sharon Stone. So I am not saying that I am going to DO ANYTHING like that, AT ALL, but I am saying that I am aware that OTHER PEOPLE do things like that ALL THE TIME. If you KNOW what I MEAN.
Do you know what I mean? I mean I am going to be saying POPOZAO to that freeloader before you know it and BOY IS HE GOING TO BE SORRY.
March 28, 2006
Letter of Fug: Part Forever
Okay, hi, y'all.
So, I'm finally out and about again, all right? I got sick of moping around the house, just wiping down the kitchen counters over and over and over again. I mean, there's only so many times you can clean up after your husband before you just want to rip the hairs right out of his head and the only thing that was keeping me from snatching that filthy man bald was watching my bootleg tape of Justin's dailies from that movie he's making where he has all the tattoos and I really didn't want my mama to catch me doing that again and also the tape is wearing out, so I thought I'd take a shower finally and go out to lunch:
I don't want to brag or anything, but I cleaned up better than you thought I would, didn't I? I know I did. See, I've been doing these Windsor Pilates tapes at night when I can't sleep while I'm waiting for Kevin to come back from the 24-hour recording studio ( I don't want to talk about his CD, so don't ask, because if I tried to say anything about the CD I might start laughing and then I would never stop and then I would probably start throwing up and I hate barfing). And I got my extensions taken out because Jamie Lynn said they looked cheap and you know I never used to think she knew what she was talking about, but then she got a 97 on her driver's test and now I think she might be kinda smart. So I look decent, right?
So that's all good and stuff, but the real reason that I'm writing this Letter of Truth is because I have to say something about this crazy statue of me:
I guess it's of me having Sean Preston and it's supposed to be pro-life or something, but OH MY GOD Y'ALL I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO EMBARRASSED ABOUT ANYTHING IN MY ALL LIFE. Stop looking at it, please, y'all. Seriously, please stop looking at it. Oh my God.
Okay, first of all -- oh my God, I'm seriously so embarrased -- first of all, I don't know what's going on with that lion's head rug thingie, because for one thing, there weren't any rugs in the room where I had the baby and for another thing, if Cedars Sinai even HAD rugs, I really don't think they would be rugs with heads because don't you think that would scare the baby?
Are you still looking at that picture of that statue? Please stop looking at it. Oh my God, I can't believe this thing even exists in America. Shouldn't it be illegal to make a statue of some lady you don't know? I feel like it should be, especially if she is ALL NAKED IN IT, oh my God. Anyway, it's also totally, like, wrong because I had a Caesarean section with Sean (and could someone please explain to me what that has to do with the salad? Because who would name a salad after an operation? It's so weird. But everything I ask my mother she just starts laughing and then she sighs real big and lights another cigarette). So, anyway, in addition to being GROSS and like a total VIOLATION of my CIVIL RIGHTS as an AMERICAN, it's also totally inaccurate, or whatever.
AND OH MY GOD I JUST HAD A TERRIBLE THOUGHT. WHAT IF JUSTIN SAW IT? Oh. Oh. OH GOD. God, I am so embarrassed, y'all. I really want to die. I just want to die. What is WRONG with PEOPLE? Who MAKES A STATUE OF SOMEONE ELSE HAVING THEIR BABY ON A CREEPY BEARSKIN RUG? I don't care if it's just a joke. It's disgusting and I am disgusted and also totally grossed out and if you look at that picture again I am removing your name from the Britney fan club mailing list and I will NOT put it back on. EVER. EVER!
Okay. Okay. I'm going to lunch and I'm going to try really really hard not to slap or divorce Kevin today because you're supposed to stay together for the children even though I am pretty sure that's not going to work out either and I also am just waiting for my lawyer to call me back, and when she does, I am also going to see if I can sue that person who did that sculpture for like degradation of culture, or something, but listen, I MEAN IT about taking you off the mailing list if you keep looking at that statue. I WILL find out you looked at it and I WILL take you off the list and I will NOT unban you, EVER because you are DISGUSTING.
Okay. So, bye
February 08, 2006
Letter of Fug: Part Whatever
Oh. My. God. Y'all.
I just realized I meant to wear pants with this dress! Can you tell? Do I look crazy? I don't look too crazy, do I? When I left the house this morning my mother said something about a lampshade in a whorehouse or some such but all she does is mutter about stuff all day long anyway so I didn't know if she was talking about me or about an actual lampshade she wanted to buy from a whorehouse but the point is that I am a little worried about sitting down because this skirt is really short.
But ANYWAY, it's awfully nice to get out of that house because I swear to God all I do in that house is yell about things, like where is Kevin's wallet, and no he can't take my purse with him, and what happened to the money I gave him yesterday, and no he can't bring the baby with him to the 7-11 because what if he accidentally gives the baby a Slurpee because that might give the baby diabetes, and no I am not IMing Justin and even if I was he can't read what I said because he's functionally illegitimate anyway, or whatever that word is for not really being able to read. So it's nice to be out and about and I think Kevin does clean up real nice even if I secretly think he's turning out to be a total liability, which is what my manager called him this morning. And right after she said that she said that she didn't understand where this all came from anyway, and I told her that maybe she should have listened to me when I told her that I was so Lucky, I was a Star, but that I cried, cried, cried in my lonely heart and if there was nothing missing in my life, then why did my tears come at night, and she said she had no idea what I was talking about and I told her that it was a SONG I sang once and it was a big hit and then she said that she never paid that much attention and THEN I told her that she also should have listened to my song "Overprotected" which is all about how I was tired of people telling me what to do and this is why I keep saying that I don't know why everyone is so surprised I got married and had a baby because I've been trying to tell them all for YEARS that I was TIRED of not getting to EAT so THEY could make more MONEY and I SWEAR I HAVE JUST ABOUT HAD IT WITH EVERYONE I SEE EVERY DAY. Except Sean, because I could just eat up his cute little baby face.
So what I'm saying is: I'm glad to be out of the house, I wish I had worn pants, and I'm pretty sure that I'm going to fire everyone even my mom.
December 02, 2005
Letter of Fug: Oh My God Y'all, It's My BIRTHDAY!
Hey everybody! We haven't talked in SO LONG, but I finally got a sec to myself and thought I would send y'all a birthday card from me, even though it's my birthday today, so I'm not really sure why I'm writing you a letter but I did have to buy my own presents from Kevin this year, so I guess age 24 is all about sisters doing it for themselves. I mean, I think I am going to have to do everything myself this year. Is what I meant.
ANYWAY, like I said, I finally got a minute away from my sweet little baby Sean and that big stupid baby Kevin and I decided, I know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna put on my pirate boots and my short little fur coat and get my fuzzy fur purse that my mom swears is just roadkill with straps, and go out and buy myself some stuff!
And along with all the stuff I went out and bought myself for my birthday today, I also got myself another birthday present and that is the house to myself for a while. It's just me and Sean and my mom and sometimes Jamie Lynn and also my staff and sometimes that cute gardner we have, and it is so so peaceful. Yes, everyone, the rumors are true, I have asked Kevin to go elsewhere for a little while so he can FIGURE OUT WHAT HIS PROBLEM IS, but this is not some kind of Jessica Simpson/Nick Lachey thing, we are not getting divorced, and Kevin is totally not moving in with Nick and that USC football player person like the National Enquirer said. I am just giving him time to MISS ME and also to GET A GRIP and stop PARTYING ALL NIGHT WHEN HE HAS AN INFANT AT HOME, LIKE, GOD.
Yeah, so, I guess what happened was that last week, I bought the baby to the Peninsula and I actually seriously had lunch with Justin (so he could meet the baby and also my new boobs, oh yes, I said it) and oh my god, don't tell anyone, but he is still SO CUTE and I sort of think I might still be in love with him but I am scared to say that aloud, but seriously, how can he really be happy with that skinny crackhead Cameron Diaz? I mean, for one thing, she is OLD, but anyway, he told me really really seriously that he thought I was better off without Kevin and I thought about it and I thought about it and I realized that Justin is right because Kevin totally doesn't even care about what happens in our family, like he just laughed that I time I thought the dog was having her brother's babies and I can't be with a man who doesn't understand that incest is wrong. Plus he keeps taking money out of my purse. So for my birthday I decided I should choose myself, just like Kelly Taylor, and see how that feels for once and you know what? SO FAR I LIKE IT.
So happy birthday to ME, Kevin. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY NOW.
And if you think I'm giving you any of my money, YOU ARE WRONG.
October 18, 2005
Letter of Fug: Oh My GOD, Y'all, Now I'm a Mom!
Oh my God, y'all, it's been way too long since like we talked and stuff! But I have had my hands full with being all huge and pregnant because it turns out that being pregnant is actually sort of uncomfortable and even though I thought I would be all glowing and stuff the whole time, I actually mostly just had to pee a lot and then I had, like, this really big fight with my mom because she told me I looked broad as a barn, or something, which I think is just mean, because the Chillatos I was drinking were for her GRANDSON, hello, and then Kevin was just I don't even know where half the time, but all that's over now because I had the baby and now I'm back out at the Coffee Bean!
Okay, now, just wait a second. I know the pants are way too long. I know, I know, I know. They are. But I am a NEW MOTHER and I don't have time to be all running out to Demin Doctors or whatever to get my jeans hemmed up. I am BRINGING UP A CHILD. I am INVESTING IN THE FUTURE OF AMERICA THROUGH THE CHILDREN, or something. I don't have time for TAILORS and stuff. But other than that, seriously, don't you think I actually look pretty good, I mean, considering? I mean, didn't you sort of suspect that I might just totally start showing up places wearing like a muu-muu and one of those old lady rain hats made out of old plastic bags and chain-smoking or something? Like I would just decide that I was totally going to just give up on all that exercising they used to make me do and start living on, you know, fiery Cheetos and Jolt? Okay, but listen, listen -- didn't you also think I was going to name the baby, like, Marlboro Milkshake Spears or something lame like that? DIDN'T YOU? I KNOW you did. And I DIDN'T. I DIDN'T. I named him SEAN. Like a NORMAL PERSON. See, I can be a TOTALLY NORMAL PERSON even though I have all these people with cameras following me around and my husband won't stop drinking Pabst straight out of the tap, like would it kill him to use a cup or something? Between you and me, and please seriously don't mention this to the Star or anything, he is really starting to get on my nerves. First of all, he was smoking a cigar to celebrate having the baby and that's totally fine but he actually lit the cigar with a two dollar bill that he set on fire and I told him that we don't have enough money to actually DO THAT and then he told me that a two dollar bill WASN'T REAL MONEY and then I actually had to take him to the McDonald's and buy some McNuggets with one before he would believe me that it was and honestly I am getting a little tired of his behavior and I am thinking about taking the baby and a couple of the nannies and getting in the car and going to Justin's and just throwing myself on his mercy because he totally can't turn down a girl who has a baby because that would just be mean.
And Kevin and my mother can just fend for themselves. See how they like it when I'm not even around anymore. Here's a hint: THEY WON'T.
July 11, 2005
Letter of Fug: K Fed Continues To Attempt To Speak
Yo, bitches. K-Fizzle here.
I just snuck out of the house to pick up some shit at the mini-mart while Whatshername is home sticking Oreos in our new deep-fryer. [Dude, that's not a eupha...eupharm...something clean you say when you mean something dirty. Seriously, it's like she's sticking something into that deep fryer all damn day long. Something about craving something and batter being good for the baby? Whatever. I don't know. All I know is how good my baby batter is. AW YEAHS, BITCHES, I SAID IT. Heh. Heh. Dude, after my record drops I am totally going to get a gig at the Stand-Up Club or whatever that place Pauly Shore runs is called, because I TOTALLY CRACK MY SHIT UP.]
Yeah, anyway, I just ran out to get some water and some Cheetos and some beef jerky and some ice cream sandwiches and a couple of Twinkies and then I had to run by my dealer's house because B said she didn't want him to deliver my shit anymore because he was "a bad influence on the baby," or some shit, and then I was like, (a) the baby isn't even OUT yet, (2) it's not like he was a bad influence on all those other kids I have, I'm pretty sure, but then she said some BULLSHIT about not paying for it anymore and then, dude, I swear to God, she reached for my hand and TRIED TO PUT IT IN THE DEEP FRYER and, man, HORMONES, dude, dial it DOWN. So I ran out to give her some time to chill. She has been seriously so crabby ever since she caught me going through the safe.
Anyway, I'm trying and shit. I feel like I should at least try and stick it out for the kid, for a little while. And because she's been whining about my shoes for like the last SIX MONTHS, like, I will tie my shoes if I FEEL LIKE IT, bitch, I finally decided to shut her up and got a new pair. Check it:
Stylish AND functional, right? I love how it makes it look like I've got camel toe ON MY FEET. Heh. God, that's weird. It's like I'm a woman from the ankle down. Well, two women. Who have five legs inside their pants....well, three legs in one pant leg and two in....because of my actual toes...shit, now my head hurts. Analogies or whatever are fucking hard. But look how clean my socks are! Right out of the plastic bag, bitches. Ain't nothing too good for me now. As long as I can find my dealer's house and Her Majesty don't stick the manpris in the deep fryer, nothing can touch me, you know?
June 29, 2005
Letter of Fug: The Scrolldown
It's been so long, y'all! But I've been so busy, you know, with, like, growing the baby, and making that TV show thingie that Kevin and I did about how I talked him into marrying me even though my parents really hated him and that was fun. I have to point out, first of all, y'all, that I look awfully happy, don't I? Isn't my skin nice? Wouldn't you saying I'm glowing or something?
And look at my belly -- I mean, my bump! Look at my bump! I have a bump and my bump has a BABY in it! A real little person with little nails and little toes and other little body part things. I want everyone to see my bump because my bump proves that Kevin loves me and not just my money even though he also thinks that my money is pretty fucking sweet, which is what he said to me this morning while he was rummaging through my purse looking for my checkbook. He's so cute. Did you see how he told me he loved me on the finale of our TV show thingie? I cried and cried, y'all. Do you think Cameron Diaz ever leaves special little notes to her boyfriend WHOSE NAME I HAVE FORGOTTEN at the end of her stupid show about traveling the world or whatever? Because I bet she doesn't and even if she does, I bet she has to write them herself while Kevin actually got my mom to write what he said to me. Isn't that romantic? They both really love me. My mom even told me that she's praying to God every night that this baby gets my looks which I think is really sweet since that must mean she thinks I'm pretty. She also told Jamie Lynn that she's trying to get Kevin deported, which totally surprised me because I never even told her how much Kevin likes boats. Although when I told Jamie Lynn that she just looked at me funny, but I don't really think Jamie Lynn knows anything that's going on anyway.
AND I just bought these great cowboy boots because nothing is more comfortable when you've got swollen ankles than cowboy boots. So basically things are totally great right now! And if someone maybe bought a billboard outside the bedroom window of a boy I'll call "Mustin Fimberlake" that saws "I WIN," then that someone wouldn't be totally wrong about the winning, don't you think? And I also think that if I were him I would probably want to call me to find out if I was the person who bought the billboard, though, and then maybe I would ask me if I wanted to go to lunch and then maybe I would adopt my baby and take me to Capri for the summer but YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT FROM ME and shit, Kevin's home. Gotta go. Bye!
May 02, 2005
Post-It of Fug
What are all y'all looking at?
Haven't y'all ever seen a pregnant lady wear a tablecloth to the video store? Jeez.
April 14, 2005
Letter of Fug: K Fed Speaks
Yo bitches. Cletus McK-Fed here.
Yeah, yeah, I know. I know, a’ight? But she really wanted a damn baby and the bitch who signs the checks gots the power, you know? It was all blah blah baby blah blah baby blah blah fertile blahedy blah something about Justin blah. Damn, I just got tired of hearing it, you know? And I thought if she had a baby and shut up already, maybe she’d stop buying so many damn dogs. Did you hear that bullshit about the incest puppies? Christ. I told her a thousand damn times that the dogs aren’t fucking related and that even if they were, who gives a shit? They’re fucking dogs dude, and her whining about it was totally harshing my buzz. And then she started crying again and shit, and, dudes, I just COULD NOT TAKE IT anymore. So I hit her with El Spermination. Maybe this will keep her busy for a while so I can take off to Vegas with my BOYZ. [Big ups to Fresno! Yeah yeah!]
On the DL, I gots to admit, dude: I am kinda proud of my swimmers, you know? I am FEE-IRTLE. [Or FED-IRTLE? Heh. Heh. Heh. God. I’m good.] Who KNOWS how many babies I got in this town? Hells, I’ve tapped A LOT of ladies between here and the Nevada border. I know I gave that one chick the syph, but who knows what else I been giving ‘em, if you know what I mean and I mean mini-Feds. I’m making myself a damn basketball team, dude. Maybe we can go on the road and get away from Loudmouth over there.
Dudes, she’s starting whining about my clothes. Yeah. She’s all in a muumuu and shit and she’s crying that my shoes are untied and my manpris are all tore up and why can’t I dress like a grown-up and DAMN BITCH, my manpris are all tore up because your damn dogs keep trying to bite me and end up coming away with the hem of my pants, bitch. Thank God I buy XXXL. Damn.
And then she made me get these damn hair extensions because she was tired of people calling me “90210” and then we saw a rerun of You Got Served on STARS and she was all up in my grill about how hot I look with hair and shit and what the hell else am I supposed to do? She changed the PIN on our ATM card AGAIN and not to 1234 this time. So I gots to get the hair until I figure that shit out and I can blow town again.
A’ight. I gots to get out of here. I’ve got like seven child support payments to mail before the 15th.