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November 30, 2006

The Talented Mr Fugly

I was watching a commercial for The Holiday last night -- you know, the movie where Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet switch houses, and romantic shenanigans ensue? -- and it occurred to me that I don't particularly buy Jude Law as a romantic lead anymore. I don't know if this is because I know too much about his real-life predilection for nannies and Sienna Miller, or if it's because he's morphed from being this guy:

To being this guy:

I don't really want that guy showing up at my vacation house and romancing me. I'm a little scared that that guy is going to show up at my vacation house and rob me. And while the suit itself is lovely,  this shirt/tie combination makes me want to show up at his vacation house and burn it down:

Something about him just gives me the wiggins, and the wee curly mullet doesn't help, either.  In the ad, there's a scene where he and Cameron Diaz are going somewhere in a car together, and they're all looking at each other coyly, and I am not thinking, "Aw, look! Those two are totally going to fall in transatlantic love!" I am thinking, "He is totally going to murder her and dump her body in some abandoned English field."  Which I am pretty sure is not exactly what they were going for.

On the other hand, maybe the movie is secretly about serial killers. What do I know? I just hope Kate Winslet makes it out alive. I love her.

Posted by Jessica at 10:19 AM in Celebrity Terror Watch | Permalink

November 29, 2006

Celebrity Skeeve Watch: Billy Crudup

This has been brewing for a long time at GFY HQ, but today, the Terror Watch squad would like to announce officially that Billy Crudup has been put on a high "orange" alert (see Appendix below) for his escalating skeeve factor.

Crudup has struggled mightily with facial outcroppings in the last two years, perhaps under the mistaken impression that his unlikely appeal in Almost Famous would maintain itself through whatever follicular configurations he debuted. But, he was wrong. Very wrong. It doesn't help that he and dreary-guts Claire Danes have had to spend the last little while as Those Cheating Pregnant-Lady-Leaving Bastards, but even without the taint of that nasty little situation and their ensuing collective frowning and aura of total boredom (like, "Uh... well, guess we'd better stay together, then, since everyone's watching... pass me my vibrator? Thanks"), we would still be completely grossed out by the amount of oil he's stockpiling in his hair. Not to mention the rust-colored moustache that, against every bit of my free will, makes me think of... look, I can't bring myself to use the proper term for this act on our site, so let's just say it's reminisce of the kind of painting party only South Park's Mr. Hanky could throw.

So, Billy, to borrow from your Mastercard commercials:

Shampoo: $5.99

A Gillette Fusion (you are going to need all 5 blades): $9.99

Shaving cream: $2.29

Not looking like Kevin Federline's older brother: Priceless (yet also a very affordable $18.27 plus tax, so why the haste?)

Additional Note: The GFY Terror Watch squad would also like to announce that Wilmer Valderrama has been ejected from the "Guarded" category for looking really rather presentable lately, and not at all as if he hasn't slept in three days. Congratulations, Wilmer. He has been replaced by Chad Michael Murray, who, while appearing relatively physically clean, is a Hilton-banging cheating douchebag pig-dog and therefore merits placement on the scale.

Thank you, and remember: Practice constant vigilence.

Appendix: SKEEVE WATCH TERROR LEVEL CHART

SEVERE:

Kevin Federline

HIGH:

Brandon Davis

ELEVATED:

Michael Madsen

GUARDED:

Chad Michael Murray

LOW:

Jake Gyllenhaal

Posted by Heather at 11:29 AM in Celebrity Terror Watch | Permalink

August 30, 2006

Celebrity Tanorexia Watch: Lucy Davis

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Office Worker Overly Inspired By Goldenrod Copy Paper

LOS ANGELES -- British actress and known tanorexic Lucy Davis, best known for playing Dawn on The Office, has been upgraded to "Tanorexia Threat Level: Severe" after accidentally tragically falling into a vat of iodine prior to walking the red carpet at the Emmy Awards.

Observers close to Davis called the incident a ghastly affair.

"It was a ghastly affair," one of them said, on condition of anonymity. "If she weren't my daughter, I'd have laughed and laughed, and laughed some more, but instead I had to pull her out."

Davis, 33, was once a nice, normal color, as exhibited here in a photo from 2005.

But sources say Davis became a self-tanning addict since her success on the UK comedy; recently, when her concerned family confiscated her spray-on bottles and had her barred from Mystic Tan, Davis tried to take matters into her own hands.

The results of her attempted tanicide were devastating.

Davis's discoloration is so bad, photographers say they witnessed a duped Gene Wilder wandering up to her on the red carpet and idly asking if she would please get back to twaddling the vernicious knid epidemic in the factory before they ate through his crates of Wonka Bars. He then demanded a command performance of "Oompa Loompa Doompety-Do."

"Nonsense," scoffed Davis's rep. "Everybody knows vernicious knids don't eat chocolate."

Despite concerns that the new skin tone ages her 10 years and frightened a small child, Davis's stained skin earned her at least one fan: The Fruit Of The Loom company plans to invite her to star in a series of commercials in which an orange joins their motley gang of singing, joking characters.

"It'll be perfect -- we won't have to pay a makeup artist," said a guy in a giant red apple costume, who didn't give his name.

If you spy her wandering around town, GFY HQ advises, attack her with a bottle of sunscreen, blindfold her, spin her around 40 times, and then release her into the wild too disoriented to find the nearest spray-on salon.

END TRANSMISSION.

Appendix: TANOREXIA WATCH TERROR CHART

SEVERE:

Suri Cruise -- as in, find her inescapable prison and lock yourself in it until your flesh tone returns.

HIGH:

The Simpson sisters

ELEVATED:

Jennifer Aniston

GUARDED:

Hollywood Starlet whose agent gave her four gift-certificates to Mystic Tan

LOW:

Sane, sensible person

Posted by Heather at 02:48 PM in Celebrity Terror Watch, Emmy Awards | Permalink

August 29, 2006

Celebrity Bloat Watch: Jeremy London

I haven't seen Jeremy London for a while; I remember him from being sort of cute and brooding on Party of Five, because by law every character on that show had to be both cute and brooding, but beyond that I lost track of him except to learn that he apparently spent two years on 7th Heaven.

That last tidbit may answer the question of how he came to be in his current condition.

Because when you sign a contract with 7th Heaven, that's when the shame spiral really starts, isn't it? Then comes the Little Debbie addiction, and the beer, and before you know it, Ivan Reitman has called to tell you that Andy Serkis is officially the wrong body type to be the base for a CGI Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man in a Ghostbusters remake -- too lean -- so would you please consider stepping in?

Consider this a Threat Level: Orange, but with a tinge of hope, because maybe, just maybe, this was a slow bloating all in the name of whatever part he played in Basilisk: The Serpent King, which is now safely in post-production. And with that finally finished, perhaps a ritual deflating is on the schedule.

Be strong, Jeremy. Stay alive. Your metabolism will find you.

Appendix: BLOAT WATCH TERROR LEVEL CHART

SEVERE:

MY GOD MAN, GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF.

HIGH:

Think about getting back on the smack.

ELEVATED:

Seriously, cut down on the sodium.

GUARDED:

Maybe look into a seaweed wrap?

LOW:

Keep up the good work.

Posted by Heather at 02:56 PM in Celebrity Terror Watch | Permalink

August 08, 2006

Celebrity Curmudgeon Watch: Elliot Gould

When did Elliot Gould become a wizened old mathematician who teaches AP Calculus to ungrateful high-schoolers by day, and at night slaves over a decades-old proof he's yet to crack while he tries to soak the sweat- and ink-stains out of his tight, short-sleeved, button-down white polyester shirts?

I can't believe I didn't know about this sooner.

Posted by Heather at 11:07 AM in Celebrity Terror Watch | Permalink

July 20, 2006

Celebrity Giamatti Watch: Ethan Embry

I know it seems like a long time ago that anyone really cared what Ethan Embry was doing, and maybe you think that you never cared. But, without knowing it, you probably did. There was that fleeting moment in 1998 where people swooned for his lovesick-geek turn in Can't Hardly Wait, and women and gay boys alike developed sweetly nagging crushes on the gangly saucer-eyed kid with a slight lisp; then he snagged a TV pilot, and he was as close to a household name as he ever got.

But then that pilot turned into Freakylinks, and ... well, you know how that went; now you not only don't care about him, but you didn't remember why he was "famous" until I mentioned it just there.

Still, he's back out and about again. For whatever reason. And it's intriguing. Because take a look at Ethan Embry a few years ago:

More Luke Perry than Luke Wilson, right?

Well, if you'd told this kid that in 2006 he would have puffed up and turned into Paul Giamatti, I suspect he'd have taken off the stupid fedora he always seemed to be wearing and punched you right in the face with a girlish yawp.

For here he is now:

Okay, just kidding, that is Paul Giamatti. But the resemblance between Giamatti -- Hollywood's resident shlub artist -- and present-day Embry is uncanny.

Right? I can't imagine this is where Embry intended to go -- no disrespect to Paul Giamatti, who is a talented actor even if you find the bitter sad-sacks he plays to be intolerably self-pitying, but I don't think that many people are kept awake at night wondering, "How can I be more scrubbly? How can my voice reverberate with nasal contempt for myself and for life? HOW? THERE MUST BE A WAY!" And I should also point out that in Hollywood, at the moment, there appears to be room for only one Paul Giamatti.

So, Ethan, you might want to rethink a little.

Posted by Heather at 12:45 PM in Celebrity Terror Watch | Permalink

July 19, 2006

Celebrity Terror Watch: Carson Daly

It's almost impossible to have missed the photo of Carson Daly that's been going around, wherein he looks aged and skeletal; indeed, unless you live under a rock, or your first name begins with "S" and rhymes with "fury booze," you've probably already been suitably alarmed by it.

Still, we couldn't resist.

Good for Carson for getting himself in shape at a relatively normal speed, but this photo makes me think he's crossed the line into obsession and become a hungry, wan shell. Remember on Seinfeld when Kramer sunbathed in butter, and the smell of crispy flesh piqued Newman's salivary glands such that he started seeing Kramer's head atop the body of a golden-roasted turkey, and became ravenous? That look in Newman's eye has been born again in Carson's. Something is not quite right with the way he's sucking on his lips, as if willing himself not to lick them out of bloodlust for the delicious, meaty, protein-laden photographer who is snapping the shot.

"You've already had your solid for the day, Carson," he is chanting to himself, right hand twitching toward the yellow rubber Live Strong bracelet that acts as his talisman. "Don't even THINK about how he would taste with a pot of lobster bearnaise, and a loaded baked potato... some buttered green beans... hot rolls... Oh, yummy, this man is MINE -- wait, NO! Shake it off, soldier! STAY ALIVE! A Zone bar WILL find you!"

Posted by Heather at 03:48 PM in Celebrity Terror Watch | Permalink

June 23, 2006

Celebrity Terror Watch: Skeeve Alert

Adam Brody, still occasionally charming on The O.C. even though the show itself has slid into an abyss of suck, is -- according to IMDb -- currently filming a movie called Smiley Face in which he plays a character named "Steve the Dealer."

I can only hope, then, that the following is actually Method Skeeze:

Still, it's concerning. One's upper lip is not for pubic fuzz. He looks dirty and sweaty and as if he smells faintly of feet. It's such a shame, too, because he and Rachel Bilson make such an awfully cute couple.

So, whether it's contractually obligated skeeze or not, let's all just hope that this passes soon -- that he speed-acts the hell out of Steve the Dealer and then goes home, showers, and takes a Mach-3 to that outcropping.

Posted by Heather at 06:13 AM in Celebrity Terror Watch | Permalink

June 07, 2006

Celebrity Terror Watch: Burnt-Sienna Starlets

Summer is here, and that can only mean one thing: Young ladies spray themselves various shades of orange-brown in an attempt to look sun-kissed, when in reality it's more like "pelted with overripe kumquats."

Exhibit A: Amanda Bynes.

Pretty girl, lovely figure, ridiculous fake tan.

Exhibit B: Jamie-Lynn Sigler.

Pretty girl, lovely figure, ridiculous fake tan. I sense a pattern here. And while I appreciate and advocate not lying in the sun for hours frying skin to a crisp, thus practically issuing a double-dog-dare to skin cancer, I will never understand the temptation to douse oneself in Crayola-false colors like a piece of bare wall getting tagged with graffiti.

Although in Jamie-Lynn's case, some of her atrocious artificial brownness might come from having been doused in syrup by a confused, hungry passer-by who -- thanks to the cut of that dress -- mistook her breasts for pancakes.

Posted by Heather at 07:22 AM in Celebrity Terror Watch | Permalink

May 26, 2006

Celebrity Skeeve Watch: Jamie Kennedy

It's not that Jamie Kennedy has always been an immaculately groomed Clooney of a gent -- not at all. And that's fine. Not everyone can be that dapper. But the pre-Kutcher prankster has taken something of a surprising left turn lately, going from a carefully careless-looking scamp...

... to a guy who looks exhausted because he spent all week casing your neighborhood, trying to figure out what tree gives him the best vantage point for peeping. This Jamie Kennedy spends his insomniac hours writing My Space blog entries about how you refuse to acknowledge your passion for him, and filming songs he's written for you on his Casio with a WebCam his mother bought him because he told her it was for the chess club. He smells alternately like dandruff, Robitussin, and burnt Parmesan cheese.

We are declaring a Code Yellow on Jamie Kennedy, with the hope that he'll save himself before he blows into Orange Alert Brandon Davis territory, and suddenly begins to believe that being a slobbering pile of human waste is the Holy Grail of personal styles.

Appendix: SKEEVE WATCH TERROR LEVEL CHART

SEVERE:

Kevin Federline

HIGH:

Brandon Davis

ELEVATED:

Michael Madsen

GUARDED:

Wilmer Valderrama

Low:

Jake Gyllenhaal

Posted by Heather at 06:51 AM in Celebrity Terror Watch | Permalink

 

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