September 17, 2007
Emmy Awards Fug Carpet: Jenna Fischer
My first thought when I saw Jenna Fischer at the Emmys was, "Yay, I'm so glad her broken back is better. I love her."
My second thought, unfortunately, was, "Too bad she was styled by Bed, Bath, and Beyond."
Also, I keep being distracted by Jane Krakowski in the background, where she's looking fantastic and pointing at some dude next to her. I like to think Jane is saying, "Remind me to ask Jenna how much that thing cost -- I NEED that shower curtain for my guest bathroom."
Emmy Awards Fug Carpet: Elizabeth Perkins
There's a fairly painful commercial running right now for Martha Stewart's new line of stuff -- obviously not effective, since I can't remember what store it's being sold at -- in which Tim Gunn is eagerly holding up bedsheets to a woman's body and crowing about what awesome fabric it is for a dress. And of course Martha has to stroll up and look at him like he's an escaped mental patient, separating him from his poor victim by dragging him off to kitchenwares and rolling her eyes that maybe he'll get ideas for hats from her pots and pans. And wacky ol' Tim trots on after her, cooing about how much he loves hats. While we all sympathize with that in this post-Dynasty era of humorless millinery, the commercial makes me yearn for the days when people didn't ask Tim Gunn to do anything beyond Project Runway, because I feel like he's too polite to say no when everyone loves him so much, and that's what leads to ads like that.
Elizabeth Perkins, though, has made me wonder if the ad is more of a documentary than I realized.
The longer I frowned at this picture, the clearer it became: This is what you'd get if someone asked Silly Ad Version Of Tim Gunn to make an Emmy dress for Ma Ingalls using only what he can find in Martha Stewart's kitchen collection. Even Elizabeth seems vaguely hacked off that she's wearing a tablecloth, as if a photographer just asked her whether the coordinating napkins are sold separately.
June 20, 2007
Daytime Emmy Awards Fug Carpet: Gina Tognoni
I get what Gina Tognoni was going for; really, I do.
It's a statement, yes? It's her way of saying, "I was roped into coming here," right? I mean, that's got to be it. Because I can't think of any other good reason to wear a dress that makes your left breast look a good three inches higher than your right.
Okay, I thought of one: Her ugly stepsisters locked her in a cupboard to keep her from shopping, and a cheerful pack of mice had to make her this dress on the fly (which would also explain all the other random pieces of fabric hanging from this thing). But I'm pretty sure that's not the case. I mean, everyone knows the Three Blind Mice don't do awards shows, and they're the only rodent tailors I can think of who would let a girl out of the house in a gown that looks like the right half of it mysteriously shrank.
June 19, 2007
Daytime Emmy Awards Fug Carpet: Kimberly McCullough
Aw, everybody loves General Hospital's Robin Scorpio!
Everyone, that is, except whoever told her this dress would hang fine if she just cinched the hell out of it. Listen, Robin has enough problems, what with the HIV and that whole befriending-an-alien thing in 1990, and the fact that both her parents have been presumed dead at one point or another in her young life. She really doesn't need people coming up to her on top of all that and gently asking if she's got a hip tumor. Which you can tell the guy behind her desperately wants to do, because he probably also loves Robin Scorpio and just wants her to be healthy and happy. Clearly, he was not there when she was trying on gowns.
June 18, 2007
Daytime Emmy Awards Fug Carpet: Peggy McCay
It's hard out there for Days of our Lives' Caroline Brady. I mean, the woman was poisoned and died in a church while praying, only to be secretly transported to some terrible, creepy Island of Misfit Characters, where all the "dead" were secretly alive and, in some cases, watching their loved ones back in Salem having sex with other people. As you do.
Unfortunately, having an alter-ego with a rough life doesn't explain why the actress who plays her is wearing a giant scarf that looks like she bought it at IKEA under a sign that said, "HJÅARTEN: $5.99."
Maybe -- even though actually watching the whole Fake Island fiasco was as painful as ripping off my own feet -- the actress secretly yearns for those glory days of listening to Dr. Marlena Evans Brady Black Whatever sob about John and Kate getting it on all over poor faux-dead Doc's sensibly decorated penthouse apartment, if only because it gave her something to do other than pull pints at the Irish pub as a glorified extra. Indeed, perhaps Peggy is sick of dying of boredom now that Caroline is back behind the bar, and would prefer to die of something else. Heatstroke, perhaps? That's the only sense I can make of pairing a long-sleeved ankle-length dress and panty hose with a thickly knit ode to Twister... on a Los Angeles afternoon in June.
So come on, Victor Kiriakis. Take some pity on your bored, overheated former paramour. Put your right hand on red.
Daytime Emmy Awards Fug Carpet: Nadia Bjorlin
Nadia Bjorlin played Chloe on Days of Our Lives, which I watch only sporadically (like when Marlena gets possessed by the devil), but I do recall a rather fantastic couple of weeks when she was skulking around town wearing a cape and a hood, so as to disguise the terrible, terrible disfigurement she'd suffered in some kind of terrible, terrible incident that I didn't catch (car accident? acid bath? tragic oil rig explosion? freak avalanche? big fight with her evil twin? attacked by birds? lava thrown in her face? I don't know). However, as far as I know, she's not really on the show anymore, so I'm not sure why she was at the Emmys this year:
Other, of course, than to provoke her former coworkers to come up to her and threaten to unwrap her like one of the strawberry bon-bon candies in a Hickory Farms gift basket.
Daytime Emmy Awards Fug Carpet: Ellen DeGeneres
Like Heather, I love Ellen DeGeneres. Just last week I found myself watching Mr Wrong, even. (It's not good, in case you were wondering, and yet I watched the whole thing.) I love her AmEx commercials. I find her talk show charming, and it never fills me with any kind of rage, the way that Oprah sometimes does (like, you know, the four or five times she told everyone to read The Secret). I would never want her to show up at any event all trussed up in a frock. It's just not her. And yet, I'm not entirely sure THIS is her, either:
While Portia's working her high-waisted pants nicely, I'm concerned that Ellen's been spending her weekends in Headwaiter School with Constantine. I'm not entirely sure what kind of cuisine her establishment specializes in, but I suspect there's a portion of the evening where twirling plates are balanced on sticks. And if there's anything I know in this crazy, mixed-up world, it's that Ellen DeGeneres is too good for prop comedy.
Daytime Emmy Awards Fug Carpet: ManShirt Mishaps
While watching the Daytime Emmys on Friday night, I remarked, "Mario Van Peebles is really aging well! He looks GREAT." And so he does (he's 50!). However, I was so taken by his youthful face that I didn't notice until this morning that he seems to be holding on to the misguided trappings of youth sartorially, which isn't working out nearly as successfully as his skin care regime, whatever it may be. To wit, a sheer gray shirt:
The last time I saw a sheer shirt on a man who was not appearing in the International Male catalog, it was on a file photo of Michael "Sorry About the Daddy Issues, but at Least You Got 'Daughter to Father' Out of It, Right?" Lohan, which I just spent twenty fruitless minutes looking for. Needless to say, Michael Lohan is the last person that anyone ought to be imitating in any way, and I hope this doesn't mean that the wee Van Peebleses are going to start driving into trees. However, it could have been worse:
Now, now, Constantine fans, save yourself the carpel tunnel -- I know y'all love him, and I'm thrilled for him that he's now appearing on The Bold and the Beautiful, which, judging from the clips of it shown during the Emmys, is chockful of Jack Wagner storming into weddings and kidnapping people. But even you must admit that here, he looks like a very Zen headwaiter at a restaurant where you find a lot of hair in your food.
Daytime Emmy Awards Fug Carpet: Two Ladies from Pine Valley
CHRISHELL STAUSE (right): God, I'm cute.
MELISSA CLAIRE EGAN (left): I'm so excited! It's my first Emmys!
CHRISHELL: Yeah, I can tell. I mean, you're LOVELY and all, but look, even that weird muse in Xanadu with the penis hairdo would dismiss your dress as "too disco."
MELISSA CLAIRE: You think so, Vegas bride?
CHRISHELL: Hey, at least I look kind of cool and sexy, and not like somebody gift-wrapped me after burning a copy of Saturday Night Fever and then snorting the ashes. And... I'm sorry, but is that a front panty-line, or is your dress just trying to mess up your photos?
MELISSA CLAIRE: This all seems very uncalled for from a girl who plays the once-unloved, now kind of wussy daughter of Janet From Another Planet on All My Children.
CHRISHELL: Janet is just misunderstood.
MELISSA CLAIRE: She's a psychotic baby-napper who threw her twin down a well; somehow convinced her twin's husband to fall in love with her after the sister went blind, got her sight back in A Christmas Miracle, and then eventually died; and then killed him years later and threw him in a deep-freezer.
CHRISHELL: You're so judgy. And shiny. Did you grease up your chest?
MELISSA CLAIRE: At least MY character is LOVED.
CHRISHELL: By who? Ryan? Please. He was married to a girl named GREENLEE, for God's sake.
MELISSA CLAIRE: So? He's the hero of the show. Every single script makes sure that somebody says so.
CHRISHELL: Well, he should have saved you from that dress.
MELISSA CLAIRE: Whatever. If Ryan's the stud then I am the AMC sweetheart. Suck on THAT.
CHRISHELL: Just don't come crying to me when your tube top starts to chafe. Smile for the camera!
MELISSA CLAIRE: Yeah, you won't smile so wide when I remind you that I am BIG TIME because I was one One Tree Hill once, as a cashier or something... so take THAT.
CHRISHELL: Pshaw. If Chad Michael Murray didn't try to propose to you, it doesn't count.
MELISSA CLAIRE: ... Dammit.
Daytime Emmy Awards Fug Carpet: Miss Tyra
When I was watching the Daytime Emmy Awards the other night -- look, we all know I love soaps, and we all know I REALLY love awards shindigs, so it was a pretty marriage of my favorite things -- I did a double-take when Ellen DeGeneres won for best talk show host. Not because I didn't think she deserved it; rather, it was because when she got up to accept the award, she walked past what appeared to be a giant cake, and high-fived it.
My first thought was, "Wow, I love Ellen. I mean, if that woman is hanging out with person-sized baked goods, clearly I need to be in her entourage." Then I thought, "No, her Ellentourage. HA!" And then I realized I was a) making bad jokes out loud while totally alone, and b) sitting on the couch on a Friday watching an awards show without any of my bitches around, all of which made it even SADDER when I noticed that the aforementioned cake was not a delicious dessert treat but, in fact, one Miss Tyra Banks.
The good news is, Tyra has found a way to conceal the wig tape.
The BETTER news is that if Lindsay Lohan keeps wetting the bed all over her once-promising career, pretty soon they'll reunite so that Tyra can recycle this dress as the living doll in Life Size 2: Sleeping Booty.
Unless this was a challenge for the next season of America's Next Top Model, wherein the girls had to learn what it takes to be Tyra by hiding under her gown. That skirt could conceal at least ten model-sized people -- nine and a half if she has a fake plus-size person in the group. And that is why we love Miss Tyra. Why wear enough dress for one person when you could wear one the size of Luxembourg?