May 07, 2008
Met Ball Fug Or Fab: Christina Ricci
Maybe I'm crazy, but I rather like this. She looks like an elementary school Valentine, the kind you would make with red construction paper and paper doilies and Elmer's glue. Except, you know, less smeared with fingerprints, graham cracker crumbs, and glue detritus. Presumably. On the other hand, why is her bodice so m-f-ing crooked? I want to run over to her and yank it up and to the right.
Met Ball Fug-or-Fab Carpet: Katie Holmes
We got a lot of e-mails suggesting that, by wearing blue shoes with an orange-red dress, Katie Holmes might have taken leave of either her vision or her senses.
To me, the color scheme actually makes weird sense with the theme of the event. Wonder Woman certainly didn't shy away from mixing primary colors, for instance, and Superman and Spider Man could never be accused of favoring subtle palettes either. What gives me greater pause is the way this is executed: The pointy, high-cut shoes are a bit clunky for my taste, appearing almost like an afterthought and akin to those heavy old pumps of the 80s that her mother probably gave away fifteen years ago, and she's got the same problem Nicole Kidman had at the Oscars, with the long necklace hooking like a noose around one boob. As for the dress, it photographs with a strange plastic sheen -- like Katie had it made at one of those factories that makes the fake grass you put in Easter baskets, and strands of which, if you have offspring who are anything like I was, you will still be finding down the side of the sofa and stuck to the curtains four months later because the aforementioned kids liked to run around the house wearing the green tufts like fright wigs. (True story. And for added drama, Easter baskets sometimes make great fake bonnets. In case you were wondering.)
I think my problem can be boiled down to: I don't love Mrs. Holmes-Cruise in strong reds, or at least, not when she's got such a chiseled, structured haircut that competes with the dress for total domination over her face. That gown is screaming so loudly for attention that the rest of her becomes mute. Which she's probably used to in her family life, given that she spawned one of the cutest celebrity kids in recent memory and is married to a couch-surfing zealot, but which she shouldn't have to put up with when it comes to her wardrobe. Her pretty face deserves better than to be an afterthought.
May 06, 2008
Met Ball Fug Carpet Fug Or Fab: Eva Longoria Parker
Note number one for Eva Longoria Parker: You have GOT to blend your makeup a bit better. Your forehead is way paler than your shoulders and it is weird, like you've got the forehead of a vampire but the neck of a marginally talented actress. You've got to make your Makeup Bitch blend! Blend! Or is it possible that you've crossed your Makeup Bitch one too many times and she's now making you pay by doing you up like the Cranky Undead? In which case: e-mail us, Makeup Bitch. We'd like to buy you a box of wine.
Otherwise, I have a query for you:
May 05, 2008
Fug or Fab: Sharon Stone
You make the call regarding perennial Fug Fave, crazy, gorgeous (and sometimes crazy gorgeous) Sharon Stone, who may or may not have had yet another run-in with the vicious, clothes-hating animal so prone to shredding her clothes that we accidentally ended up dubbing the woman Rapid Beaver. For so many reasons. Some of which are very, very juvenile. But some of which stem from the fact that she often looks like she's fresh from a tangle with a toothy rodent so evil it prompts me to make terrible typos:
And yet, I kind of love it. Is that wrong? Tell me what to think:
April 30, 2008
Fug Or Fab The Cover: Julianne Moore
I have had many a conversation over the past week or so about this cover, and they all go something like this: "She looks hot! But the whole thing is sort of unseemly. But it's FRENCH! But it's just TOO MUCH. But maybe it's SEXY. But it's also sort of creepy. But that color is great. But I don't need to see her in this S&M panties-coordinated-with-belt thing. But at least it's interesting! But it makes me feel sort of uncomfortable. But maybe that's the point! But I hate it. No, I love it. No, it's terrible. No, it's AWESOME. No. Yes. No. I don't know. GOD, WON'T SOMEONE PUT IT TO A VOTE?!"
Your wish is my command, dear reader:
April 29, 2008
Fug or Fab: This Week(Ish) In Gwyneth
Gird your loins -- with Iron Man hitting theaters this weekend, we're going to continue seeing a lot of Gwyneth Paltrow.
And I do mean a lot. Gwynnie must've gone on a Gam Rediscovery Retreat recently, because she's been skipping all around town in the kind of short skirts we're more used to seeing ride up around the pantyless pelvises of Young Hollywood as they slide out of cars.
Not that it's all a complaint. The girl's got great legs. It's just that I'm not always sure about the stuff she's using to show them off to us.
It's short, but more distracting is all the lattice work. Like, is there a nude slip under there, or is she just feeling naked and racy today? Am I bewitched by an optical illusion, or is it cutting her chest weirdly around her armpits and making her look unnaturally bulgey in places where, in reality, she almost certainly has no bulge? Doesn't that Bermuda Triangle of fabric on her groin make it look like she's wearing a black cloth diaper? And is there a weird face staring at me from her boobular region? And In concept I wanted to love this, but in life, it's like wearing a Rorschach ink blot. I feel like people were coming up to her all night and saying, "Ooh, it's death! The Angel of Death!" or "I see a Rolls Royce!" or "Is that a DOG that looks like Princess Leia?"
Maybe Gwynnie just really likes people staring at her in bewilderment, as I did yet again when I saw this dress from earlier:
[Photo: Splash News]
I don't want to know whose face that really is. It's way more fun to make random and hopelessly inaccurate guesses. For instance, I've decided it looks like an artist used a Lite Brite to draw a portrait of Sandra Bullock.
But arguably the most talked-about photo of La Paltrow has been a variation on this one, in which it appears you can see her Private Benjamins. That photo, I'm not entirely sure was devoid of Photoshop's mischievous caress, but it's undeniable that girlfriend is leaving things somewhat to chance:
[Photo: Splash News]
The thing is, I almost love this. She looks 90 feet tall, the tuxedo jacket is cute, and her hair and makeup work (now that she's lopped off those extra mangy inches of hair, doesn't she look SO much more like her mom Blythe Danner?). But the minidress itself is so... well, mini. Apart from my usual musings on how the hell she sits down in that thing without disinfecting the chair first, I feel like she could've gone a fraction lower with the hemline and still been sexy; this high, and I'm wondering if she's going to strap on ice skates later and perform an interpretive ode to the mighty speculum.
April 28, 2008
Fug or Fab: Zoe Saldana
Behold Zoe Saldana, she who so powerfully rocked our world as the Eva, The Great Dancer With the Bad Attitude in Center Stage:
I put it to you: does she, or does she not remind you of the Mother of the Bride?
April 24, 2008
Fug or Fab: Gwyneth Paltrow
As previously mentioned, I am suffering from a wee bit of the jet lag, which forced me to hallucinate that Kelly Osborne was wearing some wack-a-doo detached hoodie thing. But this -- though awfully Spawn Of Marion Cottilard And Fishnet Stockings -- looks kind of great, right?
April 17, 2008
Meh or Feh: Amy Poehler
Let's get one thing clear: No matter how much I love Tina Fey, and despite also mostly liking Amy Poehler's work, I will never see Baby Mama. No, really. I won't. I can think of a thousand things off the top of my head that, when I ponder doing them, bring me less anguish -- and yes, Do A Shot With Spencer is on that list, alongside burning off my own hair and going on Oprah wearing Crocs and leggings.
So it's fair to say that I'm grumpy with Amy Poehler these days for being part of that movie. And maybe that's why I'm judging her outfit here kind of harshly. But seriously, isn't it just a tad underwhelming?
Sort of a snore, right? Not splashy enough to be fug, not chic or tailored enough to be effortlessly fab. It's just so... I'm getting tired just staring at it for more than three seconds at a time. The semi-high-waisted, wide-legged pants don't seem to fit that well, and the waist detail almost gives off the impression that they're fancy chastity trousers -- like Will Arnett has to lock up the goods before she goes out on the town, in case she spontaneously runs up on stage and moons everyone or tries to kidnap Jon Stewart by stuffing him down her pants. That satin shirt she's got jammed in there is sort of frumpy and excessively shiny. The leather jacket with sweater-cuffs actually helps, believe it or not, but the whole effect evokes an ensemble Paula Poundstone might wear to a biker bar. And is that EVER the right direction for ANYONE?
April 16, 2008
Fug Or Fab The Cover: Gwyneth Paltrow
This is the day of the week where I admit something embarrassing, and today, it's that I am that person in America who loves Gwyneth. I know, I know: She's got a rep for being snotty and snobby and icy and whatnot, but I can not help it. I love her. Even when her head is apparently floating a full foot in front of her neck:
I know. She has a floating head, and I suspect she's able to "simplify everything," as she says on the cover, because....oh, I don't know....maybe because SHE'S LOADED? Money can't buy everything, but it CAN pay for someone to water your lawn and buy your Mini Wheats and fold your underpants and I bet we'd all be able to more easily juggle our families and our jobs if we didn't have to run to the laundromat and the corner store all the damn time. Ergo, I can understand why some people out there in the wide world might read this and kind of want to kick old GP in the shins. But I can't help it. I just look at her and WANT TO BUY THE MAGAZINE. I don't even know WHY. It's like that weird thing I have with Lohan, except for how Paltrow is like THE EXACT opposite of Lohan. On the other hand, I do wish there was an article in here explaining how I, too, can have that floating head.