Met Ball Fug Carpet: Fergie

And things had been going so well!

I am perplexed by the fact that she seems to have her wrap tucked into the top of her gown as some kind of impromptu sleeve, which is making her look weirdly wider than she actually is (which is:  not at all), but it doesn't help that she looks INSANELY cranky. What happened in the car on the way over? Did she and Josh argue over the last of the Flaming Hot Cheetos? (Understandable. I can't stop eating those things even though they've been scientifically proven to make my stomach hurt. I am convinced they're dusted with crack.) Did the driver ask her if she's knocked up yet? (Also understandable, yet none of our business. Doesn't he know that you just closely study the waistline/drinking habits of every woman of child-bearing age and then speculate behind their backs?) Did Anna Wintour beat her in a footrace to the open bar? What up, Fergie Ferg? I secretly kind of love you now! Look alive!

Fug the Cover: Fergie

So, Monday night, Heather and I were watching some sort of New Year's Eve Countdown Blah Blah Blah Thingie, on which Fergie appeared, and we confessed to each other over our champagne flutes that she has been looking SO adorable lately and has hardly shown up wearing tartan hot pants to anything, and now I guess it turns out we kind of like her and think she's cute.

Well, Australian Cosmo is trying its damnedest to undo all that goodwill:

A) How OLD is that picture? B) How MUCH do they hate her? C) Going down on him could give me WHAT?

All that sex-related rumor-mongering aside (apparently, in addition to giving us cancer, our boyfriends are all tracking us on some creepy website. Is one of the suggested 10 Ways to Feel More Confident Naked, "don't read any other article in this magazine"?), Cosmo's agenda this month is clearly squashing Miss Fergie Ferg's stylistic upswing like a nasty little silverfish. This picture doesn't look remotely like her, AND she's been dressed like a cashier at Forever XXI, but without the benefit of getting fifteen percent off clothes that are already essentially free. Look, I know old Fergs is busy calling all the people who made fun of her for peeing herself and for the meth thing and cackling about her impending nuptials to Josh "Smokin'" Duhamel  and all the mad piles of cash she made this year and how good her legs are (I'm sure my phone will ring eventually), but once she's done with that, maybe she should call her lawyer and see if she can sue for this sort of thing. It's certainly caused ME some emotional distress.

Well Played, Fergie

Aw, that's right, Fergie Ferg, take a bow.

It seems so long ago now that she was running around town dressed like Pippi Longstocking on a bender. If you'd told me then that I'd be patting Fergie on the back for looking like a lovely lady at a posh event, I'd have laughed and suggested that you stop using Elmer's Glue as nasal spray. Sure, the matchy satin shoes are a bit bridesmaidy, but that's splitting hairs when you consider that we used to be lucky if she even brushed her tresses. The dress color is so pretty on her and the cut is flattering, and her coif is shiny... maybe Josh Duhamel is finally using his hotness to bring her up to his level. Or maybe one night in the middle of a lasagna cookoff in their shared kitchen, Fergie dropped a colander of flat noodles and gasped, "OH MY GOD, WAIT, OLIVER! WASN'T A FASHION SHOW, WAS IT?!?" At which point Josh swept her into his arms, carried her up to the bedroom, and gently laid her down... on the floor of her closet, where they proceeded to make sweet, sweet Goodwill piles.

At any rate, Happy Holidays to us, because I get to use the word "lovely" to refer to her without having to follow it with the hugely unsexy "lady lumps" epithet.

Working On My Fugness

"Oh, shit," Fergie thinks, mid-song.

"I'm still wearing those pleated denim bloomers, aren't I? This is almost as bad as the time I...well, let's not bring that up again."

Celebrity Terror Watch: Fergie

In theory, we're all for celebrities acting like normal people and wearing something more than once. In practice, though, there are things like high-waisted overalls, which fall distinctly into the "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me" category of fashion.

Such was the affliction I thought had grabbed Fergie in its toxic clutches.

And then, with a heavy heart, I realized this is not the same pair of camel-toe-causing high-waisted overalls. Which means... it's hard to put this in print, because that means it's real... there are TWO types of vagina-crunching, waist-pinching, armpit-encroaching denim overalls in the world. Judging by Fergie's face, this one is particularly likely to have been dumped on an unsuspecting public by the same people who bring you Monistat. [Miss Fergie Ferg must be seriously reconsidering the creative decision to peddle her latest single dressed as a farmhand.]

Unless her apparently misery has to do with how tightly the belt is cinched, at which point the suspenders become merely decorative. Yes, that's right: They're IMITATION lady-cave-spelunking high-waisted overalls. I'm not sure which is the more insidious creation; all I do know is, it just got a little bit less safe for us out there. 

Fug The Cover: Fergie

Photography, at least in The World According to Tyra Banks, is all about angles. [Supplementary cautionary texts for the lesson: All my personal albums.]

So in theory, for a magazine cover shoot, one would want to find the best angle possible on the subject's face, so that when the photo is blown up on a cover and gazing at the masses from newsstands everywhere, the aforementioned masses do not immediately become huddled masses yearning to breathe free of the fearsome visage of Celebrity X.

Unfortunately for Fergie, I think the Seventeen photographer who shot her for the June cover flat-out gave up on her.

First, though, consider the Rolling Stone cover she graced last fall:

I actually like this picture -- yes, the hand positioning looks really unnatural and uncomfortable, like a finger-gun she's about to lock and load, but overall she looks kind of dirty-hot. Her nose looks delicate. She's pouty. She's got the smoky-eye thing going on, and her hair looks fantastic. In all, it's a pretty solid effort, and she makes me wish I had cause to wear tiaras more often.

Now have a gander at what Seventeen did to her.

Presumably, one of the 725 Ways To Look Hot (and Have Fun) did not include, "Pose for our cover photographer." Poor old Fergie-Ferg. Her head and face look puffy, her mouth seems almost rabbity, and at this point in a Top Model judging, Miss J. Alexander would be waving his finger around with eyes spinning in horror as he caws about how she's a "no-neck monster," after which he would trill something incomprehensible and then bang his forehead on the desk. Regrettably, not hard enough to knock himself out, but just enough to make Fergie snivel about she's going straight home to practice in front of a mirror -- while secretly wondering if the photographer had it out for her. 

To be fair, this is not the worst cover photo I've seen of her -- this is -- but it's still bad, and makes the Rolling Stone cover look like the work of Annie Leibovitz. The lesson here is that maybe Fergie doesn't have an angle. You'd think the photographer would've picked up on the fact that she's better off not turning her head to either side, but then again, maybe he/she did have it out for her.

Except, the real problem might be that she's not exactly a Seventeen kind of girl. You may be shocked to learn this, so if your jaw shatters when it hits the floor don't sue me because I have delivered fair warning: Fergie isn't a fresh-faced ingenue, and she's not trying to peddle sunshine with a mild dark side that has all the edge of a butter knife. Rather, she's a former meth addict who sang about her lovely lady lumps and her London Bridge going down, and she once peed herself on stage in the middle of a concert. (She also wears high-waisted overalls that eat her feet and make her look like an extra in Huckleberry Finn: Let's Get Jiggy, but that's a whole other problem.) Rolling Stone captured all her naughty in a sweet-sultry hybrid photo, but Seventeen tried to make her a clean-cut beachy Girl Next Door -- and that's ridiculous, unless you live next door to, like, The Viper Room.

But the real moral of this story is that Fergie should write it into her contract that Tyra gets to look through her film and pick her best shot. Because as it stands, the most applicable cover line of all is the tiny one in the white circle: "Don't Let This Happen To YOU."

Fugly Fug II: Playtex Boogaloo

Much has been made about Fergie Ferg's song "Pedestal," in which she delivers what she imagines is a scathing criticism of a blogger, or all bloggers amalgamated into one Symbolic Blogger, for saying things about her from behind the safety of a computer screen.

And while we can understand why that's frustrating, the root of the problem is that she just gives us so much fodder. From publicly wetting herself to her myriad fashion crimes to things like the shirt she wore out in public that we fugged yesterday, there's just so much darn fodder there.

Such as the sequel to yesterday's photo, which we like to call Exhibit C-Cup.

We rest our case.

Fugly Fug

Giving credit where credit is due, Fergie came across as fairly sweet on The View the other day -- when you get her in full conversational flow, she drops that idiotic street-talk cadence she adopts everywhere else, and so she actually seems sort of human. Maybe even regular.

If you close your eyes, that is. Because half the time she's running around in stuff like this, which just makes me laugh, shake my head, admire her abs (again -- due credit) , and then shudder and laugh again.

This whole decision that her debut as The Dutchess (why the stray T, Fergie Ferg? Are you shouting out to all your peeps in The Netherlands? Holla back, Amsterdam!) requires folding her clothes in half strikes me as a bit hilarious. This is not the first time she's done it -- you may recall she wore a white shirt and tie this way at the VMAs, when she performed her single. Which by the way was so wrong for The View that I could only cringe in empathetic embarrassment while she was grinding and bouncing around, and I silently thanked God that Baba Wawa wasn't there to see it, because knowing she was there somehow would have made the experience even more discomfiting for me.

Anyway. With shirts like this, Fergie reminds me of a very awkward pre- or early-teen standing in front of the mirror and tucking her shirts up under her bra in idiotic configurations, just to see what wearing a belly-shirt would feel like. I think a lot of girls did that when they were younger; I certainly did. First you tuck it under your bra outright, then when you realize that is not going to work, you try that thing where you bunch it all into one long tail, pull it up and under your bra, and then yank the tail out the neck hole. This looks completely idiotic but it kept the shirt up; the whole strange enterprise was a rite of passage of sorts, I think. I never did it because I particularly wanted to wear a belly shirt (okay, sometimes maybe there was an air of, "Could I... could I maybe... possibly...?" but it was always followed by an immediate return to consciousness along the lines of, "Wait, no, sweet God, no, the world is not ready for my negative-six pack") but, well, Madonna wore belly shirts, and anything Madonna did sartorially was pretty bodacious -- except maybe for the conic bras -- and worth trying to imitate in the privacy of your own home.

I stress: in privacy of your own home. Fergie Ferg, it is never, ever a flattering or attractive idea to tuck a shirt under your bra -- or look as if you have -- unless perhaps somebody is about to operate on your stomach and a very attractive person is holding your hand, wiping the delicately attractive sweat of pain off your brow, and staring into your eyes while whispering that there is No Other Way.

In conclusion, her shirts are silly, and I have revealed too much. 

Fugdon Bridge

The last time I wrote about Fergie, I bid temporary adieu to The Fug, which she had banished from her closet long enough to show up at the Poseidon premiere without eliciting any snide "sinking ship" comparisons.

But I think we all knew, deep down, that she wouldn't be kept down for long; buoyed by the sheer atrocity of her idiotic ditty that's currently marauding its way to the top of the pop charts, the Duchess of Fugsylvania is on her way back.

This ensemble is one part Annette Funicello, one part Sandy from Grease in the end when she turns slutty for Danny Zuko and that makes everything okay, and two parts Hot Topic's Krayzee Sum'r Clozeout Clearance Sale!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And to that I say, no thanks, troll. Your London London Bridge can go down all on its own, Fergie Ferg.

Well Played, For A Millisecond: Fergie

I'm not happy about what I'm about to do.

This whole thing reminds me of the deal with me and wedges. When wedges came back in, I hated them. They seemed so '70s to me, and not in a way I wanted to revisit. For some reason they struck such a visceral chord of distaste within me. I liked my heels separate from my shoes, and I really didn't like them made from something that's better served plugging a wine bottle until I'm ready to open it. "I am NOT buying a wedge, I don't care HOW hard Lucky and Steve Madden try to push me," I proclaimed on more than one occasion. "And don't even get me STARTED on those damn espadrilles that are coming in again."

Well, of course, then I started accidentally admiring wedges on people, and making tiny exceptions to my firm anti-wedge stance. And then suddenly I owned something sort of wedgey, and poof, fast-forward to April, when I bought some espadrille-wedgey things that tie around the ankle for my honeymoon and I had to check with my friend Carrie that I wasn't crazy and that they didn't look all that vile, and she confirmed they really were cute on, and suddenly there I was with a fusion of two hated things burning a hole in my suitcase. I felt dirty. And I wore them constantly when I was away.

I thought of this when the following photo flashed across my computer screen this morning.

Will you look at that? Fergie looks... classy. And pretty. The dress fits her in the most flattering places, she accessorized it really tastefully, her hair looks washed and brushed, there are no horrid little braids or formal shorts or C-3PO boots in sight, she appears momentarily sober and able to stand upright under her own power... in the immortal words of Wentworth Miler on Ellen, "Brava, brava."

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

I grappled with this all morning. Was this the first step down a treacherous, slippery Fergie slope? Would I wake up in a month unfugging her all over the place and saying to myself, "You know, she does rock a 24-inch zipper on her shorts"? Would Jessica try to talk some sense into me, leading to me locking myself in my bedroom with copies of Us Weekly out of which I would lovingly cut photos of Fergie, knowing it was just her and me against the world -- a cold, cruel world that didn't understand legwarmers and pants-wettings? Would she have to tie me to a tree and stage an intervention, a carefrontation, in which all my friends baited me until I broke and then patched me back together again?

Then I realized that I've held strong against the Black-Eyed Peas for their entire gnawing existence. I've been tough on leggings. I won't stand for dresses over pants. And my crusade against overlong pants that eat a girl's feet has marched on with vigor. So there's no reason to think Fergie will break me -- Fergie, the bane (and, therefore, the life-giving manna) of much of GFY's existence. There's no reason to think she'll weaken my resolve. And there's no reason to think that when I go see Poseidon, I will suddenly find myself weeping inconsolably when she is (please please please please) crushed by a falling piano.

And thusly, I slapped some sense into myself, because so few bid a lasting adieu to The Fug and certainly Fergie won't be that kind of pioneer. It felt right to be strong and give credit where credit is due. So congratulations, Josh Duhamel, you kept her clean and pretty for the duration of the pre-premiere red carpet. I salute you. If you can keep up this good work, we can finally go out for that romantic dinner you've always been after. Okay? Great.

Her Fugs

Fergie would like to join the legions of celebrities who use a red-carpet appearance to demonstrate that everything is fine, and peace is, like, the shit:

And indeed, everything is fine: She is still scary, and still sartorially confused (is she fox hunter? An 18-year old? A pregnant snowboarder? Who can say), and that's the way we like it. That's how we know the world is spinning properly on its axis.

She does appear to have learned one lesson, though: that dark pants are a safer fashion choice, because they are more apt to hide any, ahem, wet spots. Perhaps that's why she's flashing the peace sign -- because she's come to terms with her incontinence.

Unfugging With Our Heart: Fergie

This is how bad things have gotten: It takes her holding an adorable stuffed monkey hostage, swinging him from her belt loop, to make us shrug and say, "Well. It could be worse."

Although, possibly not for the monkey. The poor thing is begging for SPCA interference.

Semi-Unfugging: Fergie

Trust me, this hurts me as much as it hurts you.

[Photo by Daily Celeb.]

Let's be clear: I don't like the dress -- mostly, the colors and the bodice. Oh, and the sash. Basically, the whole thing isn't really my cup of tea. She looks like a limon. Juice her and some Sprite would come out.

But... this is Fergie we're talking about here. Fergie. The Urinator. The Whizzing Bandit. The Wet Spot. The Leaky Bladder.  The Trouser Golden Shower. The Ninety Year-Old Urethra. We know this woman's history. We are lucky she didn't show up in a urine-stained pair of formal shorts with a waistline somewhere near her armpits. We are fortunate she left her knee socks and legwarmers at home. The Sweet Baby Jesus is to be exalted for the fact that she doesn't look like Pippi Longstocking on a paper route. In fact, we should consider ourselves downright blessed that she appears to have showered and styled her hair.

So in sum: Dress? No thank you. Lack of suspicious stains and the appearance of an effort having been made? We'll take it, and we'll give credit where credit is due.

I'm sure it's only a momentary lapse of all-out fug.

Teen Choice Awards Fug Carpet: Fergie

[Photo by Daily Celeb.]

Very savvy, Fergie -- overalls are an excellent choice to conceal your Depends.

Fug the Cover: UK Cosmopolitan

This cover is mind-bogglingly unattractive:

It is fug on a Peldon-shaped platter. It is the festering volcanic pustule on the chin of the Fugtown Express's oily conductor. I do know that it's hard to compete with cover lines of such stunning genius as "My Designer Vagina Transformed My Sex Life," and "Leeches Stopped My Nipple From Falling Off." Really, I sympathize with Fergie, because outshining those gems is an uphill battle. But the fact remains that, if this photo is to be believed, Fergie needs to stop worrying about her heart so much and start phunking with her estrogen levels.

Don't Fug With My Heart

Fergie is going to be the greatest little man-bride ever when she marries Josh Duhamel:

[Photo courtesy of Zap2it.com.]

Poor hot Josh. He could do so much better. For instance, he could be dating somebody who doesn't SCARE THE BEJEESUS OUT OF ME with her dead eyes and her shiny abdomen and her habit of wearing outfits that look like the rugby uniforms at some all-girls Catholic school in Beverly Hills.

On the plus side, I cannot wait to see what she dons for the wedding. I can only dream that the "something borrowed" will be on loan from someone equally challenged, like Gwen Stefani, a Peldon, or Mary-Kate "Dereliiiiiicte" Olsen.

Fuggie

Fergie orded the audience to be patient. The concert demanded a costume change, but even without the napkin rings on her arm, it would take at least an hour to undo the buttons on the six-mile-high  waist of her shorts.

Young Hollyfug Awards: Fergie

Whoa, easy there, Poppi Longstocking:

[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

I wonder if those braids are like drawstrings: pull one, and the other gets shorter. God, she's so insane it actually defies description. Are they remaking Newsies?

Fug Eyed Peas

Fergie, currently of The Black Eyed Peas, but known to me now and forever as Stacy from Kids Incorporated,  decides that if one trend is good, seven trends must be better:

Cowboy boots? Check.

Trucker hat? Check.

Pants of unflattering and awkward length? Check.

Shiny cardi-shrug? Check.

Oodles of jewelry? Check.

Tanorexia? Check.

Anonymous male escort who looks vaguely ashamed to be with you, especially since there are photographers around and oh my God, y'all, what if they think we're dating when I'm actually just friends with your friend and I accidentally ended up in this picture SWEET GOD I DON'T ENDORSE THIS OUTFIT, PEOPLE, PLEASE DON'T THINK I DO.

Let's Get It Fugging

[Photos by Daily Celeb.]

Fergie looks a bit like an intoxicated Girl Scout wearing a uniform redone by Project Runway...

... and selling cookies redone by Snoop Dogg, if you know what I mean, and I think you do...

... I'm talking about pot. In the Tagalongs.

VMA Fug Carpet: Fergie

Nobody told Fergie that the Pink Ladies aren't being revived and modernized.