Fug Madness 2008: Your Champion

After roughly 1.1 million total votes throughout the ten days of Fug Madness, we finally have a champion.

There were upsets (who knew Brittany Murphy had legs in this thing?), there were Cinderellas (sweet Peldon, if anyone is likely to take that as a cue to wear actual glass slippers around town, it's you), and there was agita and tears and regret from all the supporters of favorite fuggers who fell victim to our eventual finalists. Tough to say if it's heartening or tragic for Chloe Sevigny that her supporters were so vocal in bemoaning her absence from the final game; her fair-and-square loss in the Elite Eight proves that, just as in basketball, what you've achieved before doesn't matter if you don't bring it on the day. Remember her fate this time next year, Chloephiles -- your votes do count.

And yesterday, 69 percent of them counted in favor of our first-ever Fug Madness champion. From the brutal Charo bracket, past challengers like Tara Reid and Sevigny, Phoebe Price and Mary-Kate Olsen, comes your glorious champion --our very own version of the four horsemen of the apocalypse but with about 24 personalities instead of four steeds.

Yes: BAI LING.

[Photo: Splash News]

Whether you are crying over spilled Sevigny or had your money on Sharon Stone, at the end of the day, it's impossible to deny that the title sits well on Bai's semi-nude shoulders. Her fug reigns supreme because it is supreme; she certainly worked hard for it, and worked it hard. The best part is how she's standing there all defiant, like, "What, lensmonkey? Are you not used to lace bodystockings and turbans? Well, when Madonna is elected president in 2020 and this becomes our National Guard uniform, you will not be so SMIRKY, you sad shutter-clown."

Well, except, it's Bai Ling,  so that would come out sounding more like, "Loving darling, I am moving through light in the haze of......what? Dancing with sweat to celebrate, all hail, and salute the singing future of clouds. Do you fallow me? HELLO!"

Congratulations to her, and to runner-up Victoria Beckham, who scored the unlikely upset of a devastatingly strong and Peldon-killing Sharon Stone. You all fugged hard, and we look forward to what you can achieve in a comeback campaign in Fug Madness 2009.

And for those of our readers who love an incredibly cheesy (and slightly grainy) post-tournament tribute reel, we've prepared a video treat, replete with all the intentionally  ridiculous special-effects we can muster on a dime budget:

Okay, so part of that is a bit of an inside joke for fans of actual March Madness, BUT, we promise, you don't have to care about basketball to appreciate the power of some campy editing and heartfelt vocal fromage. And this is the best of the best, in that regard -- the awesomely terrible musical equivalent of shoving your face into a table-sized wheel of cheddar. If you feel like you're overdosing, make sure you get as far as Courtney Peldon before you flee. You won't be sorry. (Well, you might be, but we doubt it.)

Thanks to all of you for indulging this crazy whim of ours, for voting like crazy, and for providing us with such witty, amusing, delicious comments. Our readers rule, and now, so does Bai.

Fug Madness 2008: Final Game

We can hardly believe this final game is here! And what a game it is: a beloved, nearly always semi-naked, multiple-personalitied  performer/blogger of great awesomeness  versus an erstwhile Spice Girl and lover of Beckham, spray tans, high heels, sunglasses and overall ferociousness.

(2) BAI LING vs. (1) VICTORIA "POSH SPICE" BECKHAM

Oh, BAI. Your archive gives us such great joy. Who can forgot this triad of deliciousness? Who can remain hard-hearted when faced with visual evidence of a great love affair with a Chewbacca in high-water pants? Who can look upon this and not feel certain that all is right in the world of fug?

That is what Rock of Love With Bret Michaels would wear if it woke up and realized it was actually a person rather than a television show. This is also rather fetching:

It's like what you'd look like if you decided to dress as a pinata for Halloween, as costumed by Trashy Lingerie. And in many ways, Bai IS a Pinata of Fug: loud; extremely colorful; possibly sweet inside (we don't know!);  fun at parties; takes a ton of hits but won't give in; full of surprises; potentially not the classiest addition to an event; possibly dangerous; maybe partially constructed using chicken wire; and spends a lot of time hanging from the rafters.

And then there's Maude. By which we mean Posh, who is just like Maude in scowling expressions and trail-blazing fierceness, if slightly more excessive in her displays of cleavage.

Victoria is  taped into that thing masterfully, and is so spit-shined and burnished, she might as well pull a few shifts at Madame Tussaud's when her own wax mannequin needs to take a mental-health day. And she clung to those hair extensions far beyond their expiration date, bless her; I've seen better manes on my old My Little Pony collection, and those poor things have been lying on top of each other in a box for twenty years.

And, akin to Bai, our girl Vicky isn't afraid of animal print.

It's just WRONG when Victoria Beckham wears something that's two parts Bai Ling and two parts Courtney freakin' Peldon. This isn't worthy of one who is so committed to the very priciest fuggery, and Posh is nothing if not prepared to invest in her art. Off the rack is one thing; off the top of the "FETISH SAFETY: WATERPROOF, FIREPROOF" bin at Biff's Ho Palace is another. Not cool, Spicefrau. Not cool.

poll by twiigs.com...

Fug Madness 2008: Your Finalists

It's been nine days of matches and more than one million votes -- be kind to your tired mouse-clicking fingers this weekend -- and now, we're down to two brackets, two contestants. Bjork flew home, tragically not actually taking the real Paris Hilton with her; if Cher could turn back time, if she could find a way, she'd make all her friends vote for Sharon so she'd stay.

But it's too late. The votes are in, and your final game is:

(2) BAI LING vs. (1) VICTORIA "POSH SPICE" BECKHAM

Bai captured the Charo bracket and then trampled over Paris Hilton with 73 percent of the vote, knocking the Bjork bracket into the next galaxy and putting her one game closer to winning this whole thing. Posh knocked back an impressive challenger in Sharon Stone, notching 52 percent of your support -- a majority almost as slim as she is.

We've had so much fun watching this shake down; thanks for all your votes -- a million of them equals a LOT of fugpinions -- and for keeping the comments so amusing and on-topic and smart.

The final game tips off on Monday morning. Bring beer.

Fug Madness 2008: Final Four, Game Two

(3) PARIS HILTON vs. (2) BAI LING

As we've mentioned before, it seems unseemly to credit Paris Hilton with winning anything, so let's just say that she is the only one who snuck out of Bjork's intrabracketary spaceship before it took off again for the home planet.

In a way, though, it's fitting that Paris and Bai should meet up at such a pivotal stage: Both attempt to act every now and then, both are fond of dressing for what we will politely call "maximum impact," both are best known for something unrelated to having an actual skill, and  both have tried singing (Paris on her album; Bai on VH-1's But Can They Sing?; if you have our book, you know there is a photo of her from this performing in nothing but a rhinestone bikini).

They're also both deranged:

And you know what else? They're both DERANGED:

We've tried throughout this tournament to use never-before-fugged pictures whenever possible, even if they're old, to illustrate a person's body of work -- and these pics give that phrase a very special meaning. Sure, it's been at least four years since these two dressed like extras from the Ice Sexcapades, but frankly, like sands through the hourglass, so are the fugs of our lives. Fame is fleeting but a fug is forever. And, of course, fug is a battlefield.

Which brings us back to wondering which one of these bozos deserves to advance to the finals. In Paris's favor, she has at least parlayed Being Famous For Looking Tacky And Acting Vapid into a career where she is paid actual money in exchange for accomplishing things -- like putting her name on a perfume or treating people badly on TV, or panting into a microphone and letting them use Pro Tools to make it a song.

Whereas Bai Ling has actually acted in things that don't have words like "hottie" and "wax" and "National Lampoon" in the title, and might actually possess a few incredibly sweet personalities kicking around in there... if we could get past the fact that all of them want you to be as aware of her nipples as possible. In addition to an incredible array of fug, she also has a priceless blog (!!!!) on which she writes things like -- and a big ol' "[sic]" to all of this -- "My name is Samantha, sexy godess, Take me with you any where...on the train, on the plane, on the wall, on a pink cloud... on your big palms..." Sounds like the basis for a freakin' great outfit to us.

But this is a tough one -- truthfully, the best arguments here for them are:

1) Paris is... Paris.

2) Bai is... Bai.

How to choose?

poll by twiigs.com

Fug Madness 2008: Final Four, Game One

(2) SHARON "RAPID BEAVER" STONE vs (1) VICTORIA "POSH SPICE" BECKHAM

The final four! It's here at last! It's almost time to cue "One Shining Moment" over a touching montage of, like, Courtney Peldon kicking Lohan in the nads or Tilda Swinton and K-Fed sharing a tender-yet-creepy post-game embrace.

As for this particular game, we must be frank: we love these two. If they were to start showing up places looking even vaguely normal on a regular basis, we would be bereft. We are the Mark Darcy to their Bridget Jones: We love them just as they are, even if what they are is totally nutrageous. They are delicious, glamorous divas and you best believe they have their eyes on you:

One of them plans to kill you with merely one well-placed acrylic toenail and the other one will just very, very awkwardly seduce you. Guess who is who?!

Now, you've surely already perused Sharon's archive, as well as Posh's. Their choices haunt your dreams, their abuses of their stellar genetic material has had you racked with sobs on more than on occasion. You love them, you hate them, you love to hate them, you hate to love them, you love to love them -- who are we to judge you? But you feel about them, and you feel strongly. Let's take a wee peek at some NEVER SEEN BEFORE fugs before we head into the voting booths, shall we?

Have you perhaps forgotten the unfortunate time Posh decided she was a hip-hop artist (no, I'm not making that up. She really decided that, for about six weeks)?

What about...uh, I'm not entirely sure how to classify this?

Other than, of course, as being AWESOME.

Which they both are... you know, in a way.

polls by twiigs.com...

Fug Madness 2008: Your Final Four

And then there were four: On Thursday, the champions of the brackets will get together and play a sweaty, violent game of two-on-two basketball for the right to win a lifetime supply of caftans. Press-on nails will be a-flyin'. We're so excited!

Once that's done, then there's the Fug Madness polls, in which the Cher champion will face off against the Madonna winner, with Bjork and Charo's respective victors clashing next. Those victors will duke it out on Monday for the crown. It's going to be so intense that we're using any spare minutes in the day to meditate, stretch, dry out our livers, and check in on how David Silver is coping with his drug addiction over on SoapNet.

By request, here's a filled-out bracket for people who are just returning from vacation and want to download a filled-in, the-story-so-far bracket that shows how we got from 65 to 4 (although clicking on our Fug Madness archive and reading through is probably more fun): Download Fug_Madness_bracket_finalfour.jpg

Now, here are you bracket winners.

WINNER: (2) SHARON STONE

It had gotten to the point where we thought it couldn't be done. Tiny little 5-foot-nothing (or so we assume) Courtney Peldon turned into the giantess of this competition, laying waste to every higher seed that stood in her way. But she was no match for the pure, unbridled, nutty flavor of a hot cup of Sharon Stone. When you wear a rat's paw pinned to your jacket, you trump spangled bra tops -- or at least, that's what we're assuming the lesson is here. We also quite sincerely hope Sharon DOES take Courtney under her wing,  because maybe they could bust this thing wide open in 2009 by competing as a pair. Somebody please get on arranging that.

Sharon will next compete against the winner of the Madonna bracket, who is...

WINNER: (1) VICTORIA "POSH SPICE" BECKHAM

With 62 percent of the vote, Posh dispatched Beyonce in a battle of sorta-kinda one-named people who surely aspire to be as memorable as the ones for whom we've named the brackets. We are giddy with anticipation at her next contest -- Posh? Sharon Stone? Together? Will EITHER of them come out alive?

PERSON WHO EMERGED AHEAD OF EVERYONE ELSE: (3) PARIS HILTON

Sigh. I'm morally opposed to calling Paris a "winner," or a "champion," so I'd prefer to make it sound like the Bjork Bracket is something she just sort of made her way out of, like leaving Hyde on a Friday night and throwing a few elbows to make sure you get to the paparazzi before anyone else does. Mischa Barton really should've trained harder; she could only drum up support from 30 percent of you, so Paris coasted to this victory without even really breaking a sweat. However, she should prepare to perspire like a South Florida deluge on Thursday, because guess who she gets next?

WINNER: (2) BAI LING

This may have been one of our most dramatic competitions yet, and I don't mean that in the douchey, Bachelor-style, "Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever, For Real This Time, We Swear, You Are Going To Pass Out And Hit Your Head On The Coffee Table From All The Drama and The Roses And The Ceremony" way. This one was a corker, for real: Bai was winning by a percent. Then she wasn't. Then Chloe was up by THREE percent and it was all looking very grim indeed, until about an hour after lunch time, at which point all the Bai Ling fans snapped out of their food comas and voted  like crazy. She squeaked through with a 51 percent mandate.

We're agonizing already and it's not even Final Four day yet.

Fug Madness 2008: Madonna, "Elite Eight" round

(1) POSH vs. (6) BEYONCE

Beyonce has had it rough here -- it's been an endless string of divas for her, from Kylie Minogue to Helena Bonham Carter (who isn't so much a diva as a Derelicte devotee, but whatever -- in terms of TALENT, she has as much right to be a diva as any of these people if not more) to Sienna Miller, who frankly, would probably like you to think she's a diva but who is more accurately a sheep in Kate Moss's clothing. And now she gets Victoria Beckham. It's got everyone buzzing. Unless that's just a side effect of having had water trapped in my ear for two days.

These two women really aren't so different. Beyonce, for example, isn't averse to wearing dresses that barely rein in her assets -- or, what we lovingly refer to as "Pulling a Posh" -- and Victoria is wildly unafraid of hot pants.

Beyonce's grocery shelf may not be as squished and crammed, but the effect is the same: One false move and the melons will go flying. As for Posh, well, she could well be the daughter Tina Knowles never had, if you don't count the two she does.

And at times -- inexplicable, ill-advised, presumably hung-over times -- these women both prairie it up in garish style...

... and then look a tiny bit ashamed of it. Beyonce is all, "Yeah, I drew the short straw, so I let the other Destiny's Child girls wear little sundresses and I'm dressed like I'm about to dress like I'm frigging Laura Ingalls going to the prom in something her blind sister Mary picked out for her."

And, I mean, Victoria, you accessorize like a champion -- David is the best thing you could wear with any of your batty outfits -- but wearing a see-through lace undergarment with the curtains you ripped down from your country home in England is not the way to look gentle and genteel. It's what you (specifically YOU) wear if you want to say, "Last night I finished off four bottles of champagne by myself while I was burning copies of Rebecca Loos' newspaper interviews and I've been up all morning heaving into the toilet, so we're just going to be here for a few minutes and then David's taking me out for greasy fish and chips and then I'm going to sleep for two days and wake up with amnesia. Okay? Great."

These two are magic. They're both people whom we feel drag queens must LOVE to impersonate on Halloween, or just for fun on a random Wednesday. It's heart-wrenching to think they won't both move on (not as tough as what's going down in the Charo bracket, but still emotionally challenging), so vote carefully.

poll by twiigs.com

Fug Madness 2008: Charo, "Elite Eight" Round

(1) CHLOE SEVIGNY vs. (2) BAI LING

Holy cannoli. How can one choose between these two? Between them, they've handily destroyed the likes of Tara Reid AND Mary-Kate Olsen, but as much as we'd like them to both somehow emerge from this match winners, there can be BUT ONE.

But which one?

Princess Catsuit McCigarette?:

Lady Underpants?:

Or these two?

Duchess Necktie of the Wedges?

Or Lady Sparkle Legwarmers?

Such radically different flavors! Chloe like a Thin Mint: dark, serious, sometimes you take a bite and it's amazing, and other times it hasn't fully thawed from the freezer just yet and you chip a tooth. Whereas Bai Ling is your Samoa: she's chewy! She's crunchy! She's multi-colored! She's (coco)nuts! 

polls by twiigs.com...

Fug Madness 2008: Bjork, "Elite Eight" Round

(1) MISCHA BARTON vs. (3) PARIS HILTON

Oh, these two. These two wacky kids. They've shared so much: boys, booths at Hyde, a dramatic ping-ponging back and forth from looking like Crazy on a Hanger and Hey! Kind of Pretty. Like so:

Bored. But cute! (I like polka dots.)

But then...

Yeah. I hope she's pointing at whomever sold her this mismatched monstrosity and saying, "YOU! I AM COMING FOR YOU. I LOOK LIKE A BAD AFTERNOON WITH FASHION PLATES." But she's probably just picking that evening's escort out of the crowd.

And then there's Cooper. Looking at her photos, I was struck -- as I often am with her -- by how truly pretty she is. And she often looks very pretty indeed:

And then again, sometimes not:

WTF, sugarplum? This isn't the first time I've seen this -- it's in the book -- but I find it as reminiscent of a first grader as costumed by ABBA as I did then.  God, the shared, life-long doubles tennis match between Fine and Fug between these two is giving me a terrible crick in the neck.

polls by twiigs.com...

Fug Madness 2008: Cher, "Elite Eight" round

(2) SHARON STONE vs. (16) COURTNEY PELDON

This could've been the matchup that reunited Sharon Stone with her would-be protege, Lindsay Lohan. Instead, she gets a sartorially deranged munchkin whom we've decided we want Sharon to adopt. Why? Do you even need to ask?

Sharon would be all, "THAT'S DRAMATIC, CHUTNEY, AND THE RED BRA STRAP IS AN INSPIRED CHOICE. BUT IF YOU INSIST ON WEARING PANTIES, YOU SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM ONES THAT LOOK LIKE A SUNBURN."

Also, pink should be deployed very carefully, and on special occasions. Like this one:

When this little gem from last summer popped up, I shouted -- despite being alone at the time -- "HOW DID I MISS THIS THE FIRST TIME?" This outfit perfectly encapsulates the dichotomy of Sharon Stone. On the one hand, she organized this event in aid of giving old designer gowns to disadvantaged girls for their proms, which is lovely and awesome and typical of her philanthropic spirit. On the OTHER hand: a) she wore this to the event, which was b) in public, despite how this has the aura of a woman who keeps her old formal dresses in a trunk in the attic and occasionally gets them out, and sits around the house reading and eating lunch just for an excuse to wear it again and prove it still fits and that She's Still Got It; and c) appears to have made herself Prom Queen, all for tucking a white Hanes shirt into a taffeta skirt she might well have ripped off from Gwyneth Paltrow the year she won for Shakespeare In Love -- and in fact, biting her OWN idea of wearing Gap shirts with formalwear, which Sharon did to more unusual effect in 1996.

I adore these two. Courtney Peldon presumably doesn't HAVE any better options, or doesn't understand them. Sharon Stone, though, is SHARON STONE. She CAN be fabulous; she just chooses to be crazy. And while I respect that on some levels, I also feel like she should pay a penalty to someone for taking that DNA for granted.

Maybe that penalty is adopting Courtney Peldon, for real. I'm sure Brown and her parents would miss her, but it's not like they can't communicate or go shopping once in a while. It's too perfect. Don't you want to see Sharon Stone and Courtney Peldon out on the town together ALL THE TIME now. laughing and chatting and learning from each other? "OKAY, CORDY," Sharon would say. "THE FIRST STEP TO BEING FABULOUS IS BACKCOMBING YOUR HAIR AND THEN STANDING IN A WIND TUNNEL." Then Peldon would go, "What if I just crimp it again?" And Sharon would be all, "THAT'S TERRIFIC, PANTIES. THIS IS GOING TO BE A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP. PASS ME MY BOA."

polls by twiigs.com

Fug Madness 2008: Elite Eight Emerges

Despite all our Hot Technical-Difficulties Action on Friday, we managed to whittle the field down to the Elite Eight -- or, "Round 4," if you prefer. It was rife with drama, typos, and memory lapses (like when we said, "Click here to download the bracket again," and then forgot to attach the bracket), but such is Bracketology Madness. You start, your brain gets scrambled along the way, and it spits you out after the final game feeling exhilarated while also craving a really long nap.

For REAL this time: If you haven't downloaded the bracket and you'd like to here it is: Download Fug_Madness_2008_bracket.pdf

Now I present: The Fug Madness 2008 Elite Eight, courtesy of YOU. We'll have two games today, and two on Tuesday, which determine who "wins" each bracket and moves on to Thursday's Final Four.

(2) SHARON STONE vs. (16) COURTNEY PELDON -- Monday, March 31

Juliette Lewis only managed 36 percent of the vote against the formidable crazy that is Sharon "Rapid Beaver" Stone. For her part, Courtney piled up 60 percent of the vote in knocking off Fergie and continuing her swath of destruction through the shambles that is the Cher Bracket. This is her toughest test yet; we think Sharon will put up one hell of a fight, and not just because of her new nickname.

(1) POSH vs. (6) BEYONCE - Tuesday, April 1

Fab. Just fab. Beyonce bested Jennifer Lopez in a little warm-up Battle of the Divas by a narrow 53 percent to 46 percent. So while J.Lo returns to her absurdly ornate nursery and cuddles the cute babies and Marc sups on some O-positive for energy, Beyonce plows forward to face off with Posh. Mrs. Beckham got out to an early lead and lost a bit of her edge in the late going against Sienna Miller, but nonetheless emerged Victoria-ous (HA! Except, remember what I said about brains being scrambled? Can you TELL?) with 57 percent of the vote.

(1) MISCHA BARTON vs. (3) PARIS HILTON - Monday, March 31

In the end, poor little Brittany Murphy was no match for Paris Hilton -- which might be a good thing, or might be sad, because winning something is always fun, even if it's a contest about how bad your clothes and alleged-maybe-suspected lip injections are. Paris garnered the support of 83 percent of you, and goes on to face Speidi-killer Mischa Barton, who took 71 percent of the vote in dispatching the queasy-making Hills duo.

(1) CHLOE SEVIGNY vs. (2) BAI LING - Tuesday, April 1

Wow. Just wow. But let's not get ahead of ourselves: Chloe made it here by beating the impressively frightening, scantily clad Phoebe Price with a 69-percent mandate, and now gets to face off against the impressively frightening, scantily clad Bai Ling. Tara Reid was no match for Bai, and slunk home with just 17 percent of the vote tucked into her underwear.

Fug Madness 2008: Madonna, Sweet 16, Continued

(1) POSH vs. (5) SIENNA MILLER

FABULOUS, THIS MATCH-UP. Our gal Vicks might even call it major. A battle of the Brits. But can Posh fight off the young upstart?  Sienna is strong in the ways of the fug. But is she this strong?

Remember those halcyon days before Posh took out the extensions because David kept yanking them out in the heat of the moment? These are good times -- with Posh frolicking around Los Angeles, pretending to care about Scientology a little, but mostly dressing up Katie Holmes like a doll. But these were good times too, at the height of her WAG-dom. Posh, in other words, is kind of a classic.

And then, like Maude, there's Sienna:

Miller is one of those woman whose face always surprises me. She is truly SO PRETTY, but I only tend to notice this in her movies, because when she's out and about, I'm staring at her wack-ass outfits: the twine tied up the outside of her pants, the crazy boots, the hats my god the hats. Why does she do that?

poll by twiigs.com

Fug Madness 2008: Charo, Sweet 16, Continued

(2) BAI LING vs. (3) TARA REID

Oooh, boy. I love you guys. Look what you did! You created a Sweet 16 Clash of the Titans -- a strange, sloppy nutjob whose raison d'etre nobody can quite discern, and a strange, sloppy nutjob whose raison d'etre nobody can quite discern. It's poetic.

Indeed I'm inspired. This can mean only one thing: It's haiku time. Which is a lot like Hammer time, but with better pants.

Left photo: Splash News]

Tragic formalwear.
What's worse: polka-dot bra top
Or refried prom dress?

Two boobs and their boobs.
I want to give them sweaters.
Knit, Intern George, knit!

If that's them dressed up,
I'd hate to see them relaxed.
Wait: I spoke too soon:

[Photos: Splash News]

NEON OVERALLS?
But as a skirt? No, Bai, no!
You don't teach kids art!

So glad Tara's shirt
Explains what she's doing, or
I'd think she's at church.

Sad girl gets no work,
Desperate nutjob has no taste.
Pop quiz: Which is which?

poll by twiigs.com

Fug Madness 2008: Bjork, Sweet 16, Continued

(1) MISCHA BARTON vs. (12) SPENCER & HEIDI

I never predicted that Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag would make it this far, but then I figured out what must be happening: Spencer is paying his friends to vote, because he has never met a printed version of his name that he didn't think looked pretty, and Heidi's family are voting because they hate him  (seriously, they couldn't even really hide it on The Hills -- any time they were gazing silently in his direction, they looked like they wanted to shove Spencer's stupid phone up his nostril and then light it on fire).

So, just to get on Spencer's nerves, I'm not even going to use his picture. TAKE THAT, PRATT.

Instead let's just remind ourselves that Heidi paid a lot of money to turn into a bad mannequin version of her old, spunkier self. Her lips in that premiere episode were hypnotically puffy. Every time she pursed them together I kept expecting them to pierce and deflate. Heidi is also a pretty boring dresser -- it's all sleeveless low-cut dresses that hug her silicone melons. Yawn. We get it. Call Pamela Anderson to see if she's cleaning out her closet any time soon.

Mischa Barton is the opposite. When she's not feigning an interest in Keds, she's all about wearing clothes that droop around her frame and make it look like she's wilting under them:

Yep, the child loooooves a sack dress. This is so depressing. Dorothy Zbornak would wear that with slacks... because Dorothy Zbornak is OLD. Mischa Barton is young! Alive! Has no gut to suck in all night! I'm not saying Mischa has to wear clothes that are practically painted on, or anything, but there IS a rather large middle ground here between becoming Paris Hilton and looking like she's attending an ice-cream social at The Friendship Retirement Castle. Girlfriend, when you're 30, you're going to look at this picture and weep for how you wasted having that waistline.

Also, I've seen this photo a hundred times and never noticed how awful the shoes are until right now. The sweater sequins blinded me. But, wow, my grandmother has Isotoner slippers that are more flattering to her feet. Maybe THIS is what inspired the Keds people into action. They were all, "THIS SAD CHILD NEEDS OUR HELP," but they could only make over her shoe collection because they haven't figured out how to make a full dress out of canvas.

poll by twiigs.com

Fug Madness 2008: Cher, Sweet 16, Continued

(2) SHARON STONE vs. (11) JULIETTE LEWIS

This ought to be interesting. We're of the mind that there are two sorts of fugs. One is the tragical misguided Tara Reid-y kind, where you're just like, "oh, HONEY. NO." And then there's the over-the-top, wackadoo crazy diva kind, where you're more like, "oh, my God. No. AND YET YES."  One could argue that at least one of these women is the latter, and possibly both.

The no-questions-asked diva, of course, is Sharon Stone, who is SO GLORIOUS that I must put her after the jump (you MIGHT be able to see her nipples a bit. Not in a way that your boss will come swanning past your desk and then do a swift, angry U-turn, asking you loudly, "ARE THOSE NIPPLES?" but rather in a way where you think, "are those...oh, Sharon."):

See? Gorgeous genes surrounded by ENDLESS CRAZY: feathers, spats, nips, a skirt that was attacked by a rapid beaver* on the way to the Globes. Apparently, that beaver has a vendetta, as it brutalized her blazer on another occasion, and tried to gnaw out her left ovary on another.  Also, we can't mention this enough.

* a typo we found so amusing, we decided to leave it and may, in fact, adopt it as a nickname for Shazz

As for Juliette Lewis, some of our wise commenters have noted that Juliette gets kind of a pass because she's a wild rocker chick. To which I thought, "but is she REALLY?" Admittedly, I've never seen Juliette rock it out with the Licks, but her band always seemed to me like a kind of drawn-out vanity project that she works on because she's not getting good acting roles. I mean, she was nominated for an Academy Award.  She may certainly legitimately rock it out -- I hope she does, that would kind of awesome -- but I think most people think of her as a sort-of out-of-work actress who noodles around in jumpsuits for kicks. Nice work if you can get it.

HOWEVER. She is NOT performing here, that I can tell:

No matter how you slice it, that be crazy.

polls by twiigs.com...

Fug Madness 2008: Madonna, Sweet 16

Due to daylong technical problems that we've since resolved -- yay! -- the Madonna bracket didn't go up on time, and then briefly appeared with a malfunctioning jump post. To compensate, we'll leave the comments and the voting open through most of Friday. Thanks for your patience! Comments are working on all other brackets again also.

(2) JENNIFER LOPEZ vs. (6) BEYONCE

We love it when divas collide. And NOT FOR THE FIRST TIME:

THAT'S not an awkward photo. For the love of God, I can understand why you might want to ice each other out, but WHY IGNORE BECKS? He's so beautiful. Give that man a little face time. That being said, both of our contestants look lovely -- if affected by RAGING BITCHFACE -- here, if you can ignore the fact that Beyonce's dress seems to have a tail. In fact, as one of our commenters noted earlier in the tournament, both of these woman are actually naturally very beautiful. And yet they chose to wear items just as:

This crazy get-up looks positively bland compared to the wackadoo shenanigans Beyonce's gotten up to in the past, like her Cocktail Waitress/Figure-Skater outfit,  or her OTHER Cocktail Waitress/Figure-Skater outfit, or her formal camo-wear, doesn't it?

Interestingly, at the exact same event, we were treated to:

CRAAAAAY. Also kind of awesome. Kind of like...Beyonce. And, you know....EVERYTHING ELSE SHE'S EVER WORN. EVER. Including her current crazy/awesome spread in People, in which she gambols around her estate with her new babies, looking like any other new mother of twins in a taffeta gown, heels, and elaborate updo. You know. Like you do.

poll by twiigs.com...

Fug Madness 2008: Charo, Sweet 16

(1) CHLOE SEVIGNY vs. (13) PHOEBE PRICE

Charo would probably be very proud of Phoebe Price. Not necessarily the fame-mongering, famous-for-being-fugly-and-that's-really-it part -- I mean, really, call us when YOU get a Geico commercial, Pheebs -- but rather for the part where Ms. Price teases up her hair and dresses like she popped out of a basket full of plastic grass at the Easter Bunny's bachelor party.

[Photo: Splash News]

We suspect Phoebe dreams of discovering that she is Charo's long-lost daughter, much in the way Posh affectionately refers to Joan Collins as her real mother and Blair on Gossip Girl reimagines herself as Audrey Hepburn reborn. Still, we like to think any offspring of Charo's would rather shave her head and wear a muumuu than stand around desperately holding up magazines in which she is featured, trolling Robertson Boulevard day in and day out, and telling the paps to credit her as a "model" -- which I suppose she is here, of lingerie, although it's a job she accepted without it being offered.

Come to think of it, though, Chloe is no stranger to Charo-ism herself. Not only is there this shredded affront to the mighty zebra, but there's this:

Perky! We assume Courtney Peldon later bought this in a "Clothes Off Our Back" auction, benefiting some charity that will be very grateful indeed that someone besides Chloe wants to dress like a Vegas waitress AND has the budget to do so with damn near museum-quality accuracy. Chloe's fugtacular wardrobe was one of this Web site's first moments of head-exploding agony, the kind of thing we'd had percolating within and nowhere to write about it until GFY was born. Yet she's replete with recent moments of insanity, too, like how she wants you to fork over a lot of cash for the right to wear a bunch of stuff Candy Spelling tried to sell on eBay and couldn't. For someone the world wants us to think is an unerring fashion icon -- someone so ahead of her time that we just can't possibly hope to understand until two years from now -- that is shockingly bad form, Sevigny.

poll by twiigs.com

Fug Madness 2008: Bjork, Sweet 16

(3) PARIS HILTON vs. (15) BRITTANY MURPHY

Well, I'm about out of material. We weren't expecting that Brittany Murphy -- one of the last people to crawl into the brackets, to be honest -- would make it this far. In fact, we weren't even picking her to win that Round One clash against Gwen Stefani, who is not tremendously far off from Chloe Sevigny in terms of having her personal style drilled into us as Very Advanced, and in fact Unimpeachable, even when it looks pretty damn impeachable and unpeachy to the naked eye. Gwen versus Paris would've been pretty sweet. As it is, B.Murph and her Lips Of Bad Judgment sit in this slot, and the well of fun fuggery is running dry. This is the best I can do:

Yeah, it's sort of weird -- bad hair extensions, and shoes that prompted Jessica to think, from a very large distance, that Brittany was roller-skating into a fashion show -- and whatever she did to her face is still a problem. But other than this and the other outfits we've showcased, we're out of ideas here. Which isn't to say she can't mount a charge; just that the poor kid apparently should've reconsidered going anywhere at ALL in the month of February, because so far those outings have been keeping her afloat here in the Pacifug Ocean and we're sure she'd rather go moor the S.S. Restylane somewhere else.

For her part, Paris's stank wardrobe has already dispatched with two of her friends and/or favorite props -- Elisha Cuthbert, then Kimberly Stewart -- and I am now wondering why she and Brittany here don't hang out more often. She and Benji could double-date with Brittany and her maybe-former-check-kiting-husband Simon Monjack (which totally sounds like something you would order on top of a hamburger, as if he was trying to come up with an alias in the dairy aisle of the supermarket and a packet of Monterey Jack caught his eye), and talk about all their favorite weaves and mascaras and pieces of bling.

Like this one:

[Photo: Splash News]

Yep, that is the infamous "BM" ring peeking up from her Michael Jackson gloves, and yeah, Benji Madden's parents totally should've thought of how awkward that sounds before they named their kid, and sure, Paris probably needed to consider that angle before she shoved that ring on her finger. But, actually, we're fairly confident Paris has never been too fussed about where she sticks that finger or what gets stuck on it. And we'll grant that it's preferable to a tattoo, which she would almost certainly regret next week and have to change from, say, "PARIS LOVES BENJI MADDEN," to the grammatically astonishing, "PARIS LOVES BE MAD," and nobody wants that. It's just so ridiculous, though -- costumey, attention-seeking, cheap-looking, and lame. Kind of like Paris herself.

And so: Surf Paris's archive, check out old Fug Madness posts on Brittany Murphy, and decide which one you think is the greater crime against humanity -- or at least, against our eyes.

poll by twiigs.com

Fug Madness 2008: Cher, Sweet 16

(5) FERGIE vs. (16) COURTNEY PELDON

 Okay, so it turns out Peldon is a tough competitor. Who knew? We all thought she was sort of a hilarious mascot, but it seems she is also A FIGHTER. Miss Fergie Ferg should put up a good fight, though. I mean, look at her:

It's like if Hermione and Miss America had a baby and forced it to become a stripper. And then forced it to join the Girl Scouts. And then made it a Pink Lady. And then talked it into modeling for Cost Plus's line of accessories. And then made her into a total douchebag. Oh, wait -- sorry, that's Chad Michael Murray. Anyway, it's been a LONG HARD ROAD for Fergs, and many was the night that she was put away wet.

On the other hand, this IS this:

I mean, I don't even need to write anything.

polls by twiigs.com...

Fug Madness 2008: Round Two Final Results, Sweet 16 Starts Tomorrow!

We started with a field of 64 celebrities -- or rather, 65 if you count Brown Peldon, and it's more accurately a field of "65 personages of great interest to themselves and, in a few cases, to others."

Either way, over the past few days your mouse-clicks whittled the group down to 16 contenders, most of whom are frighteningly formidable and a few of whom will be summarily booted without so much as a brow furrow. We've got what we pray are some tense-making matchups between stalwarts of fug, seeds both low and high, and a pair of people who have coasted through two rounds on the strength of people deeming them "fugly on the inside." Quite a cast; if we could put them all in a movie together, it would win an Oscar... for cinematography.

If you haven't downloaded the bracket and you'd like to fill it in and see what's in store, here it is (and, yes, I totally published this post the first time without remembering to upload the file... awesome): Download Fug_Madness_2008_bracket.pdf

And now, the reveal of where all that voting has gotten us.

(2) SHARON STONE vs. (11) JULIETTE LEWIS - Friday, March 28

As expected, Sharon put a 77-percent hurt on Scarlett Johansson, and next takes on a renowned nutbar in Juliette Lewis -- who inspired 82 percent of you to vote for her and not for the fug of Keira Knightley.

(5) FERGIE vs. (16) COURTNEY PELDON - Thursday, March 27

Fergie got here by offing Brad Pitt and Rihanna; Peldon may well be the first No. 16 seed to knock off a No. 1 seed in the history of bracketology (let's just pretend that's true, without bothering with stuff like "research"), beating Lindsay Lohan in Round One and then disposing of Paula Abdul in Round Two.

And there's more!

(1) POSH vs. (5) SIENNA MILLER - Friday, March 28

Our favorite High Priestess of Camp, Victoria Beckham, ended Joss Stone's time in the Fug Madness spotlight by garnering the support (fugport?) of 78 percent of you. Sienna ended up more reviled for copying Kate Moss than Kate Moss was for pioneering their shared sloppy style, and scored 74 percent of the vote on her way to this matchup.

(2) JENNIFER LOPEZ vs. (6) BEYONCE - Thursday, March 27

J.Lo has coasted through past Natalie Portman and Lucy Liu, and gets a woman who beat back Kylie Minogue and then upset beautiful bag-lady Helena Bonham Carter to get to the Round of 16. We LOVE it when divas collide.

(1) MISCHA BARTON vs. (12) SPENCER & HEIDI - Friday, March 28

The so-called "Speidi," deemed fug on the inside, booted Eva Green with a surprising 69 percent mandate (and yes, we giggled a little at the number, because SHOCKINGLY, we are not always mature). Next up for them is Mischa, who won 75 percent of the vote against Kevin Federline. Popozao, bitches! Or something.

(3) PARIS HILTON vs. (15) BRITTANY MURPHY - Thursday, March 27

Who knew Brittany Murphy had so much staying power? After toppling Gwen Stefani in Round 1, she beat down Renee Zellweger with 70 percent of the vote and moves into the Sweet 16 to take on Paris Hilton -- who has easily put away her competition, most recently downing Kimberly Stewart with a 72-percent mandate.

(2) BAI LING vs. (3) TARA REID - Friday, March 28

This is one of the only sections of a bracket NOT to include an upset -- the way all brackets are laid out, Nos. 2 and 3 are always intended to meet up in this round because in a perfect world, they're supposed to be capable of beating their lower-seeded competition handily. And so it went: Bai Ling won 91 percent of the vote in defeating Kelly Clarkson and her crocheted jumpsuit, and Daniel Day-Lewis's plaid suit was no match for Tara Reid's aura of fug, which won over 84 percent of you.

(1) CHLOE SEVIGNY vs. (13) PHOEBE PRICE - Thursday, March 27

Chloe blew past Cameron Diaz and Mary-Kate Olsen -- in some senses, a Sevigny, Jr. -- en route to the Sweet 16, where she meets up with a complete press-hungry loon. Phoebe Price kicked Jessica Simpson to the curb in Round One and then blew straight through Alicia Keys in Round Two for the right to take on La Sevigny and her infamous fugitude.

Fug Madness 2008: Madonna, Round Two, Continued

(1) VICTORIA "POSH SPICE" BECKHAM vs. (9) JOSS STONE

These two people are very, very different. One of them is famous for having singing talent, loves wearing loose, floaty clothing, often looks sort of dirty and sticky, and would rather go barefoot and contract any NUMBER of foot fungi than stick a toe in a pair of shoes.

The other is famous for having very little singing talent, loves being squeezed into things that crack her ribs and push the air out of her lungs as much as humanly possible, often looks orange, and -- as witnessed on her fabulous reality special, in which she got pulled over by the cops for speeding while wearing driving flats and quickly changed into stilettos before the police officer asked her to step out of the car -- would rather die than be seen in anything but four-inch heels:

Also, I suspect Posh is a huge basketball fan. Just a hunch.

 

(4) KATE MOSS vs. (5) SIENNA MILLER

This is another one of those clashes we yearn for in real life. The dudes out there probably wish it could be on a rainy day at Glastonbury, which is essentially like mud-wrestling. But we'd rather see these two crappelgangers catfight their way into a lily pond, pulling out each other's hair and shrieking creative insults into each other's ears before gnawing them off in a rage.

See, essentially, everyone's been accusing Sienna of biting Kate's style. You be the judge:

What are those haters thinking? Clearly Sienna is copying Peter Pan.

But assuming she's trying to be a mini-Moss, almost down to the thigh muscle, it becomes a question of whether it's worse to be Sienna -- who is aping this ragtag aesthetic -- or to be Kate, who not only insists she came up with the whole terrible idea first but clings to it as her trademark. In more existential terms, if a tree falls in the forest and only Kate Moss is there to hear it, will Sienna show up in a week claiming the sound of the tree's pain is forcing her to crawl down the neck of a whiskey bottle with Rhys Ifans? Would we even HAVE a Sienna if there was no Kate? And whom do we blame MORE for all of that?

all polls by twiigs.com

Fug Madness 2008: Charo, Round Two, Continued

(2) BAI LING vs. (7) KELLY CLARKSON

Ah, yes. Some would call this the battle of the unquestionably talented (K. Cla) versus the questionably talented (you know who). But doesn't the indomitable spirit that Bai Ling puts into her outfits count as a talent? We like to think so. It takes skill to accessorize a two-piece dress with William H. Macy. It takes moxie to go out in the snow practically naked. It takes balls to go out in a homemade crop-top with your own face on it.  All that, AND she can dance.

She can not, as far as we know, sing, unlike her rival here:

Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly. KELLY KELLY KELLY KELLY KELLY KELLY KELLY. We love you. No -- we LOVE YOU. We voted our fingers off for you on AI. We car-danced our butts off to you thanks to "Since You Been Gone." We perma-saved From Justin to Kelly on our TiVos. We think you are perfect just as you are. Except we wish you'd stop wearing stuff like this.

polls by twiigs.com...

(3) TARA REID vs. (11) DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

So these two would be a good match, right?

No? Are you sure? The star of Taradise! and one of our generations most gifted, well-spoken, intellectual and thoughtful actors? Not going to work? Why don't you believe in love for a second? I'm sure he'd love her in this, and she'd adore him wearing this...AGAIN. They're meant to be!

polls by twiigs.com...

Fug Madness 2008: Bjork, Round Two, Continued

(1) MISCHA BARTON vs. (9) KEVIN FEDERLINE

Call us crazy, but it almost seems like the two of these could potentially start dating. Can't you just see it? 2008 K-Fed feels like exactly the kind of quasi-rocker that  Misha would go for. Though whether or not he'd be into Princess Floaty Tunic here is hard to say:

Oh, Mischa. That would be so cute for your high school drama club's production of A Midsummer Night's Dream, but in the outside world, it just seems likely to get caught in your car door and cut off the circulation to your neck, kind of like what this seems to have done to your ribs. On the other hand, at least you're not wearing THIS anymore. Or dating him, btw. In fact, one could argue this fine man is a total upgrade from Old Firecrotch-Hater Davis (who, we must remind you, sat next to one of us at the movies once and smelled so bad we had to breathe through our mouth. Also, he kept lifting up his hoodie to grab and inspect his belly fat. Also, he consumed: a bag of popcorn, a bag of chips, a bag of Skittles, a carton of Dibs, a Coke, a Slurpee and a lemonade. We just need to continue to tell people that story, that's all):

We once deeply hated K-Fed. But while he certainly has problems -- like pulling this sort of thing  or  insisting going out in very poorly fitting pants while poor Britney just wanted to look cute -- at least he brought us all the delight of Popozao, right? RIGHT?

polls by twiigs.com...

(12) SPEIDI vs. (13) EVA GREEN

Judging from the comments on the last round, there are many, many people who Blame Spencer for any number of things, to the point where we might be making a shirt declaring such a thing. Can we blame him for Heidi's new lips and new faker hair, as seen here?

Also, have you ever seen two such fake laughs in your life? Maybe at this classy Taco Bell-related charity event, at which gaiety was totally appropriate. And yet I can't stop watching The Hills and as much as I want Spencer to have his COMEUPPANCE, I am pretty sure the show would be much more boring without him and his machinations.

However, maybe if he has to leave the show so that Heidi can become "a feminist hero" (the New York Times said so; it must be true) Eva Green can sweep in and start bossing Lauren around:

You know she and her Zombie Eye-Makeup of Doom could kick some satisfying ass (speaking of heroes). Also, maybe she could finally teach LC a thing or two about high fashion. CRAZY high fashion.

polls by twiigs.com...

Fug Madness 2008: Cher, Round Two, Continued

(3) KEIRA KNIGHTLEY vs. (11) JULIETTE LEWIS

You guys, Juliette is REALLY EXCITED to have made it this far.

Give her an H (for the hideous headband)! Give her a B (for the blue bag she's wearing)! Give her a T (for thinking to wear tights with that). What does that spell? HBT! Which, when you try and pronounce it, sounds as fugly as her outfit. But I don't know why she always has to look so cranky. The clothes didn't force themselves on her. She might want to start considering that as an excuse, though -- it's about all that justifies some of her rocker costumes.

Actually, she'd probably love borrowing this little number from Keira for one of her performances:

That is a mess, right there. It's like she went to a wedding shower where they made toilet-paper wedding gowns, then bolted in a huff when they ran out of Angel Soft. Or maybe someone told her she'd be standing behind a very tall hedge at this party, so she only bothered with one-fifth of an outfit. Indeed, she seems rather fixated on using small portions of fabric, like she's some kind of cloth conservationist, although to be honest she doesn't always do very well with loads of layers either, nor with lots of fussy bits and pieces.

Basically, the crime here is that she's Keira f'ing Knightley, and she should be able to do SO MUCH BETTER, if she would just even ACT like she gives a rat's ass. But can her brand of big fame yet questionable taste stave off the challenge of Juliette's lesser-known face but potent fugosity?

 

(2) SHARON STONE vs. (7) SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Have you ever wondered what Sharon Stone would look like if she put herself in a Golden Girls spinoff as Blanche Deveraux's cousin in Savannah? Well, wonder no more, friends.

I'm not sure what's going on with her hair, but I am fairly certain it was dropped onto her head from a great height. Why she's in her geriatric finest, I can't say, but it's possible just needed a break from looking like she'd recently been disemboweled, and the many portions of her wardrobe filed under "petting zoo" were all either at the dry cleaner or the vet. 

Sharon is up against someone who I greatly hope will grow up into an insane diva much like La Stone herself. Why? Well, I fear the Art of Divadom is a dying one -- it's not just about asking for gardenias in your toilet bowl, or to have your name spelled out in green M&Ms on the floor of every dressing room you inhabit; rather, you have to be a rare cocktail of screamingly grandiose, perfectly glamorous, admirably philanthropic, and hopelessly prone to spouting lots and lots and LOTS of crazy talk.

ScarJo is certainly on her way. She's got the terrible grandiosity thing nailed down, at least.

And, it was SHEER crazy talk when she first turned to her assistant and said, "Dude, this looks awesome!" As much as I cherish those shoes, I cannot endorse any kind of outfit that taints them by practically screaming, "Oh yeah? Well look who they've got their Hanes on NOW!" I mean, formal shorts and a tank top underneath a halter that Wet Seal would put on clearance for under $5? No, Scarlett. NO. Step away.

But is it enough to dethrone Ms. Stone?