March 11, 2008
Fug or Fab The Cover: Hilary Duff
We've gotten several emails about this cover, but I have to admit that when I got it in the mail the other day, I didn't really think much of it, other than, "The orange and pink together is SO Lucky. Is that Hilary Duff? I wonder what she's been up to. Do we have any ice cream?" Now that I look at it more closely, of course, I must concur with the kind reader who pointed out that her lipstick appears to be a new shade from Revlon called Dead Like Me. As for the rest of it, well...what do you think?
March 07, 2008
Fug the Cover: Mariah Carey
Over the last few years or so, something interesting has happened: I have started to like Mariah Carey. I don't know why. I think I must find her amusing or something. It certainly helps that her most recent video features Kenneth the Page from 30 Rock. And EVERYTHING is better with some Kenneth the Page mixed in. In fact, I think this cover could have used some Kenneth:
See? All better. Now I'm not fixated on her dragilicious eye make-up/possibly painted-on eyebrows anymore, nor do I find myself listing uncontrollably to the side to match her head positioning. Kenneth the Page has anchored the whole operation. Bless him.
March 06, 2008
Fug the Cover: Madonna
Call me crazy, but I feel like there comes a point in a woman's life where she needs to put away unflattering droopy-diaper shorts and freakishly low-cut corset-esque sports bras and move on. Even if that woman IS Madonna.
February 29, 2008
Fug The Cover: InStyle and Eva Longoria
Admittedly, I haven't bought or read InStyle in a long time, because it's a little too rich for my blood -- I don't walk by Banana Republic and think to myself, "Aw, how sweet, a bargain-basement store" -- but this past weekend I snapped up the March 2008 issue with Eva Longoria on the front, because it was wickedly hideous and I had to have it.
Inside she says, "It makes me feel old, but I love it," and she's referring to being called "Mrs. Parker" when they're in Texas, but it might also refer to the cover photo.
Seriously, that doesn't even really look like her face to me. It's so... sharp. In my mind's eye, that's actually a Miami Beach socialite in her late thirties who just got fresh cheek implants, and is about to start a gig on a cruise ship opening for Kathie Lee Gifford at the Lido Deck Lounge.
Even InStyle clearly felt so concerned that you wouldn't recognize the pursed lips and cocked brows that the designers chucked any reference to the story inside (a peek inside her closet, which offers almost nothing interesting or surprising except MAYBE that she owns an entire wall full of black shoes and a minimum of $7000 in Louboutins), in favor of slapping her name over the picture in the biggest font size possible, as if to be like, "No, SERIOUSLY, it's HER. WE'D GET SUED FOR THIS IF IT WEREN'T, SO IT HAS TO BE." Although frankly, if I were her, I might sue them for it anyway.
Fug the Cover: Lindsay Lohan
The Setting: The offices of Paper Magazine
The Players: Two staffers: a stylist, and an editor
The Topic: Lindsay Lohan's upcoming cover shoot:
THE EDITOR: Do you really think she'll wear this?
THE STYLIST: Sure!
EDITOR: Is this a robe, or a tunic?
STYLIST: Sort of six of one, half-dozen of the other.
EDITOR: It's knee-length...
STYLIST:...with this crazy high-slits up the side. Cute, right?
EDITOR: Yeah. I'm just worried it might be too...
EDITOR: Yes. Considering the subject.
STYLIST: Have you ever worked with Lindsay?
STYLIST: Oh, honey. Don't worry. She'll find a way to make it look like she hasn't got any pants on, come hell or high water.
EDITOR: I don't know whether to be relieved by that or not.
February 19, 2008
Fug the Cover: Drew Barrymoore
So, this went badly:
So, let me see if I've gleaned the correct message from this cover: this Spring, it will be the height of chic for women previously renowned for their cute, off-kilter spunkiness and sexy regular-girl charm to re-envision themselves as stoned-looking, moderately greasy mannequins with quasi-80s hair, wearing a scrunchie as a top? Good to know.
January 31, 2008
Fug the Cover: Rachel Bilson
It's no secret that I am a huge fan of Rachel Bilson's style lately. She goes out to get some ice cream and I want to pop up and hand her a Well Played. I just think she's been dressing so well lately. And she's so tiny, but never shows up looking like she just stepped off the midnight train from Stumpyville. So why did Seventeen decide that it would be an awesome idea if she recreated a Seventeen cover from when I was in 8th grade?
SO 8Os. The only way I will approve is if the inside ALSO recreates the Seventeen of my youth, specifically including a photoshoot I have never forgotten despite the fact that it is probably nearly twenty years old: Johnny Depp, wearing a striped shirt, holding a puppy. You know how they say that when you die, one of your loved ones comes out of the light to escort you to heaven? I think it's very possible that when I finally fatally overdose on chalupas or whatever, Johnny Depp is going to emerge from the sky with that puppy to carry me home. In other news, I imagine overdosing on chalupas isn't the #1 Secret to a GREAT BODY, as per that headline, but what are you gonna do?
January 17, 2008
Fug The Cover: Zac Efron
Sigh. We knew it would happen. It had to eventually. It's a tactic as old as time: Wholesome, cherubic young actor wanders onto the Dark Side for a magazine cover and article, in the hope that the industry will suddenly take him/her super seriously and that it will all lead to an Oscar -- or better, an Oscar gift basket -- magically turning up in his/her hand. Britney, minus the Oscar hope (although Crossroads was REALLY GOOD, people, and she DID have to act the hell out of it in order to convince us she'd never paraded around in her bra in front of a dude before), did that sort of thing on magazine covers all the time back in her heyday. And now it's Zac Efron's turn.
We're all familiar with Zac's floppy-haired, Good Boy, let's-hold-hands-under-the-lunch-table visage; now drink in the brooding, adult version who would really like to defile you in his Camaro and then roll you a cigarette.
[Photo: Splash News]
"Disney's Boy Wonder" even goes so far as to drop an f-bomb or two in the interview -- you know, just to prove he's got edge, when in fact he generally has all the sharp corners of a Mini Babybel. I also enjoy how the cover-line placement on his shoulder makes it look like his ensemble is supposed to be part of the tips for dressing like a leading man, despite the fact that Zac appears to be squeezed into The Jeans No Man Should Ever Own (in this case, quite possibly women's low-rise skinny-cut).
But really, I think Zac is just trying really hard to convince you, and his agents, and directors, and probably also Disney, that he's secretly someone else. Specifically, this person:
Even Claire Danes is all, "Really, kid? Jordan Catalano? Because I KNOW Jordan Catalano. I've kissed Jordan Catalano. I've angsted over Jordan Catalano. And you, pipsqueak, are no Jordan Catalano."
January 16, 2008
Fug The Cover: GQ
Just to be clear, I am not saying Rachel Bilson or her figure are fugly, or that dudes won't see the cover of this magazine, proclaim her the perfect woman, and buy two copies to stash around the house.
[Photo: Splash News]
It's just odd to me. Rachel has been doing so well with clothes ON lately. And then GQ sticks her in a bikini like it's July 4 and Uncle Sam is offering up a patriotic beach-party showcase on The Price Is Right -- with Rachel curled up on the prow of a really small powerboat while the contestant jumps up and down screaming and then overbids by $4000 -- and suddenly she seems totally plastic and out-of-proportion. Maybe the designers were too busy crafting the cover lines about squirrel rampages to notice. I mean, obviously, yes, Rachel Bilson is naturally tiny; it's not like I expected her to put on a bikini and suddenly be my size. But I'm not sure why this photo of a lovely, genetically tiny person still called for so much airbrushing that Rachel has turned into a crazy pageant-zombie bobblehead with one leg that looks weirdly small compared to the other. Her face looks frozen in place and as if it's been Photoshopped onto someone else's body.
Also, I hope nobody misinterprets the cover and shows up at work in this bikini, thinking Rachel is saluting this as "The Modern Business Suit." Although it might help you ace a job interview.
January 11, 2008
Fug The Cover: Reese Witherspoon on Marie Claire
I'm pretty sure this cover is supposed to be sultry, or something, but instead Reese Witherspoon looks bored. And a little depressed.
[Photo: Splash News]
Reese looks way more like the cover-line cautionary tale of the girl who got caught red-handed in the boss's drawers, and no, not the ones on his desk. Or perhaps the young girl who nailed the septagenarian and is trying to say, "Listen, if I were after his money, this sweater would be a damn MINK WRAP." She does NOT look, tragically, look like a woman with any kind of new passion -- unless, say, it's a passion for staring blankly into middle distance, reading Beowulf in 24-hour spurts, or making a steak every day and then forcing herself to stare at it without ever bringing it to her lips.
Or maybe she's just upset because she lost a sizable bet to Jake Gyllenhaal that Marie Claire would pull together only 350 hot spring looks this year. It'll be okay, though, Reese -- if Jake's that attuned to the mag, then you could still win out, as he'll surely he'll flip through that poorly titled article being pimped just above the masthead, called "What Makes Men Propose." Because nothing is sexier or more strong and independent than trying to understand what to do to MAKE your man propose, right? So cheer up, and let's socially regress together!