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January 04, 2008

Fug the Cover: Fergie

So, Monday night, Heather and I were watching some sort of New Year's Eve Countdown Blah Blah Blah Thingie, on which Fergie appeared, and we confessed to each other over our champagne flutes that she has been looking SO adorable lately and has hardly shown up wearing tartan hot pants to anything, and now I guess it turns out we kind of like her and think she's cute.

Well, Australian Cosmo is trying its damnedest to undo all that goodwill:

A) How OLD is that picture? B) How MUCH do they hate her? C) Going down on him could give me WHAT?

All that sex-related rumor-mongering aside (apparently, in addition to giving us cancer, our boyfriends are all tracking us on some creepy website. Is one of the suggested 10 Ways to Feel More Confident Naked, "don't read any other article in this magazine"?), Cosmo's agenda this month is clearly squashing Miss Fergie Ferg's stylistic upswing like a nasty little silverfish. This picture doesn't look remotely like her, AND she's been dressed like a cashier at Forever XXI, but without the benefit of getting fifteen percent off clothes that are already essentially free. Look, I know old Fergs is busy calling all the people who made fun of her for peeing herself and for the meth thing and cackling about her impending nuptials to Josh "Smokin'" Duhamel  and all the mad piles of cash she made this year and how good her legs are (I'm sure my phone will ring eventually), but once she's done with that, maybe she should call her lawyer and see if she can sue for this sort of thing. It's certainly caused ME some emotional distress.

Posted by Jessica at 01:56 PM in Fergie (the Pea, not the duchess), Fug The Cover | Permalink

December 20, 2007

Fug the Cover? Uma Thurman

When I originally pulled this Bazaar cover with Uma Thurman, I remember thinking, "Oh, UMA. No."

But now that I am looking at it again, I don't know that my first instinct was right. (Bear in mind that I hadn't had any coffee at that point. What was I doing, making judgment calls?) Sure, she looks a bit orange and I don't know that this is the most flattering pose for anyone (it looks more and more uncomfortable the longer you look at it, though it's ostensibly casual), but....you know, she's hot. And she looks recognizably like herself.  And I kind of appreciate the fact that "TEN LEG LIFTS THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE" isn't splashed over her forehead.

And then I saw the OTHER Bazaar cover (I guess one is for subscribers and this one is for newsstands):

This cover girl looks like she was created in a lab using the DNA of Uma Thurman and Heidi Montag. So what do you think?

Posted by Jessica at 09:12 AM in Fug The Cover | Permalink

December 19, 2007

Fug the Cover: Mischa Barton

Could someone please explain to me what the deal is with Mischa's teeth here?

Right? I mean, she looks generically lovely here -- although not entirely like herself -- but....a bit rabbity, no? And I don't think I've ever thought that about her, not in all the years I spent complaining about how wooden she was on The OC. She almost looks like she's got a retainer in. And other than prompting me to waste twenty valuable minutes that I should be spending wrapping gifts or quaffing wassail on deep thoughts about Mischa Barton's dental situation, this cover has also led me to waste hardcore cookie-eating time on thinking about the 10 MASSAGES THAT'LL CHANGE MY LIFE. For one thing, that sounds dirty. For another, are there really TEN? I can't help imagining the poor writer assigned to this story, stuck on massage number seven and frantically asking her co-workers if they can think of ANY life-changing massages, AT ALL, so she can finish this thing and head down to the pub with everyone else. This wassail's for you, Tatler staffer.

Posted by Jessica at 10:52 AM in Fug The Cover, Mischa Barton | Permalink

December 05, 2007

Fug the Cover: Keira Knightley

I am really looking forward to Atonement, the project Keira Knightley here is currently flogging. The book is great, and I hear the movie is just fantastic. God knows, I'm a sucker for British period pieces in which women in great outfits run through beautiful fields crying about men. But if Keira has any sense, right now she's running through the streets of London crying about the make-up they put on her for this cover:

DUDES. Last time I checked, K. Kni wasn't a moderately depressed topless mime-clown, nor does she play one in the film, nor are moderately depressed topless mime-clowns all the rage.  So what gives? Did KK accidentally run over Interview's editor-in-chief's dog with her car? Did she burn down the photographer's house? Did she steal the styist's place in line at an open bar? Because to me, this cover looks like revenge.

Posted by Jessica at 12:29 PM in Fug The Cover | Permalink

November 29, 2007

Fug the Cover: Christina Aguilera

Well, this is one way to officially confirm your pregnancy:

As well as your tragic addiction to bronzer, last night's eye liner and those bitchin' cropped jackets of fashion's proudest decade, the 80s. There IS something hilarious about this photo being juxtaposed with the headline, "Tanning, bleaching, botox: ARE YOU OBSESSED?" as Xtina here looks to be deeply in thrall to at least two of said vices. I'm just not quite sure what either Our Lady of the Bleach or Marie Claire were thinking: Christina's been nothing if not sexily classing it up since marrying her baby daddy, and while there is a less tacky way to pose nude on the cover of a magazine...this ain't it.

Posted by Jessica at 11:15 AM in Fug The Cover | Permalink

November 06, 2007

Fug the Cover: Julia Roberts

Here's what I want to know, looking at this cover:

Does Julia's MOST INTIMATE INTERVIEW EVER! include tips and tricks on how she manages to turn her head around 270 degrees? Because that, I would be interested to read.

Posted by Jessica at 08:56 AM in Fug The Cover | Permalink

November 01, 2007

Fug the Cover: Jessica Simpson

Wow, since when did Jessica Simpson lose every single line in her face?

Please please please please tell me this is what we old fogies used to call air-brushing (every time I use the phrase "air-brushing," I get an email which reads, basically, "IT'S CALLED PHOTOSHOP YOU IGNORANT OLD BAG!!!!" and I do understand that almost no one actually "air-brushes" anymore, but it's just such an evocative phrase that I like to keep it circulating) and J. Simp didn't get an eyelift and beaucoup Botox. I spent ten minutes at my corner market today staring at this cover, Diet Coke in one hand and a bag of half-off Halloween candy in the other, trying to figure out if she looked good here or not. And then I realized, if I have to think about it, the answer is probably no.


Posted by Jessica at 09:46 AM in Fug The Cover | Permalink

October 16, 2007

Fug the Cover: Scarlett Johansson

Cute dress on ScarJo here, but what's the deal with her face?

Look: I know what this girl usually looks like. And she's really, really good-looking. So how is it possible that ScarJo's been plonked on the cover of Elle looking (facially, anyways) like a moderately bloated, totally cranky college freshman who's just been informed that the cafeteria ran out of fat-free cream cheese? There is no way someone at Elle didn't look at this shot and say, "dude, what happened to her neck?" and then someone else probably said, "You've been watching a lot of Top Model, eh?" and then the first person was probably all, "NO. I...I love it! No one has necks for fall, haven't you heard?" And now, when all poor ScarJo wants to do is read the article about the benefits of alcohol (whoo!) or "What One Woman Did to Save Her Butt" (which I admit that I SHOULDN'T want to read -- because seriously, how bad could her butt have been? -- but I totally do, because HOW BAD WAS HER BUTT? I have to know!) but she is constantly greeted by the image of herself making an uncharacteristically generic bloaty face, kind of looking the way the rest of us do when we stumble into the bathroom after a night of beer and wings. Although thinking about wings makes me think about my own butt and in doing so, I am pretty sure I just discovered the method to this mad, mad cover: ScarJo is merely helpfully illustrating the face that woman made when she realized what she was going to have to do to save her butt.

Posted by Jessica at 11:20 AM in Fug The Cover | Permalink

October 12, 2007

Fug The Cover: Mariah Carey

When I went out and got my mail the other day, I shifted through the usual mish-mosh of bills, and SPECIAL OFFERS entreating me to subscribe to Dry Cleaners Union Weekly, and random coupons for auto detailing, and menus from Thai food places, and magazines, I saw this and thought, "Since when am I getting Cosmo?"

From the pink background, to the classic Cosmo model pose, to the breathless promise of TOTALLY BRAND NEW sex tips (which is a lie. There hasn't been a new sex tip in a magazine in ten years), to Mariah's kind of fascinatingly upscale(ish) yet trashy(ish) tight little frock that appears to have very large rhinestones affixed to it and therefore seems like it might be uncomfortable to sit down in because all you will feel are those stones digging into the delicate flesh of your posterior, I flicked this thing open fully expecting to find a spread on the latest Fun, Fearless Female and was instead greeted by....Glamour.  Surprising. I was relieved to learn that I haven't developed the magazine-ordering version of that disorder people get where they get up in the middle of the night and eat an entire chocolate cake, and that I won't be getting, like, American Cowboy and Inside Triathlon all of a sudden. But, while I'm sure Mariah is pleased with what the photoshoppers, and her trainer, and the dude who does her hair extensions hath wrought, I wonder if "Looking Exactly Like Cosmo" was the best way to go this month.

Posted by Jessica at 10:29 AM in Fug The Cover | Permalink

August 28, 2007

Fug the Cover: Keira Knightley

I LOVE fashion magazines from other countries. Probably because they feel like a new treat, rather than the same-old same-old I'm accustomed to (when you subscribe to like 10 glossies, you start to get burned out at some point), and also, you get to do fun math to figure out the currency conversations on all the stuff therein (please note: the "fun math" I did last time I was in Great Britain involved me just deciding that everything was priced in dollars so that I didn't get too bummed out by my TopShop receipt). It's also fun to see what is au courant in other places.   Apparently, our Canadian friends are currently wearing make-up the likes of which makes them appear to be burning with the supernatural flush brought on by the fevers of galloping consumption:

K Kni is lovely indeed, but she looks so feverish and overly warm here that I feel the urge to fluff up her pillow, dab her forehead with a cool cloth and then spoon lukewarm broth into her mouth, whilst murmuring soothing things like,  "no, no, no one wants to strangle you. That's just your dress," and "Johnny Depp will be here at 4."

Posted by Jessica at 12:47 PM in Fug The Cover | Permalink

 

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